weary and heavy-laden

Noah threw up this morning. Just now he had diarrhea.
I'm beyond tired of everyone in this family getting sick.

Noah had the stomach flu for a week. Then he got better.
Then a couple days later Jamie got a head cold.
Then a day later Noah got the head cold.
Then a few days later I got the head cold.
Now Noah's head cold has mostly cleared up and he gets a stomach thing again.
Jamie and I are still sinusy and working through the remnants of this cold.

And with the burden of being over 7 months pregnant, not being able to take cold medication, having to pack and move, family obligations and the usual relational "stuff" to work through and navigate, plus traveling between our Guelph place and our temporary apartment in Waterloo I am BEYOND tired of ... well, everything.

Yes, waiter! Um, I'd like a full bank account, a day off for some shopping and spa time for me. Alone. With my iPod.

SIGH

I know those things would only recharge me temporarily and the true recharging I need is from Jesus...but sometimes it's so hard to talk to someone I can't see. To someone who isn't there physically to sit quietly while I rant and then wipe my tears when I inevitably fall apart. My frustrations with people and situations are indeed "light and momentary" but often they seem quite all consuming and world-shattering.

Jesus, I know you said to your disciples it would be better once you left because then the Holy Spirit would come and help us to live in Your strength, but sometimes I'd just like to be physically with you. To hear you audibly and feel your hand giving me an encouraging squeeze on my shoulder and then giving me a bear hug when I don't think I can keep on doing this.

Help me to keep my eyes fixed on YOU. I think it's the only way to make it through the harder times with sanity and relationships intact, but most importantly to make it through and glorify You with my thoughts, words and actions.

moving belly!

I am now watching my belly move in the most amazing ways. Tonight while watching the season finale of 24 with Jamie (yes, we're slightly behind) I would glance down at my stomach and watch this little guy roll over, push out his elbows or do an entire body jolt/hiccup (?).
I remember seeing these kinds of movements earlier with Noah, but maybe I'm just imagining things.
It's really cool to see these huge bigger-type movements that I wondered if I'd ever feel!

thoughts at 31 weeks of pregnancy

I think the fact that I am having another baby is starting to hit me now. More so in the fact that I will be unable to give my full attention now to Noah but have to split my time and energy (but not love - that somehow multiplies!) between 2 little guys and 1 big guy!
It's somewhat of a bittersweet thought to have to take time away from Noah even though I know some day he will have no memories of it just being him, Daddy and me...but still. I will.

I think it's hitting home for several reasons:
1. When I realize I have 60 days or less until this baby is born I kinda freak out.
2. When I read on Facebook that one of the girls in my pregnancy group (due July 2nd) went into labour and had her baby 5 weeks early (a 6 pounder at FIVE WEEKS EARLY!).
3. When I compare my belly pictures when I was pregnant with Noah to now and realize how close I was at that point to having Noah...crazy!
4. When I think about the fact that I will be MOVING into a house at 36 weeks of pregnancy. Full term is 37 weeks. I pray I do not have this baby before 39 weeks, but ya just never know!

Phew. Crazy stuff. But exciting. I am dreaming and thinking of this little boy and wondering which side of the family he will take after in looks - will he be a good mix or clearly resemble someone? Will he be darker than Noah (this is my hunch)? What will his personality be like? How will Noah respond? How will I handle being a Mommy of two boys? I'm excited...not stressed or scared (except perhaps when I ponder labour/delivery for too long) but more anticipating yet another major life change for me - even though I already have a child and my life has significantly changed and parts of it will remain the same, being a Mommy of two boys and a family of four will only be more work, more challenge, more joys, more rewards, more cuddles!, more obsessing over my lack of sleep...and I say (if not naively...) bring it on!

a comparison

I just thought it would be interesting to do a side-by-side comparison of me at 31 weeks in both pregnancies. I think (and according to my medical records with Noah) I am roughly the same size although it looks like I am carrying higher with Noah. Could be the angle, but I think I was. I'm definitely "feeling it" a lot lower this time around.

31 weeks + 2 days

Man, every time I see a picture of myself I'm shocked at how big I look. I feel big, but I don't always feel THIS big. Less than 9 weeks to go!

30 weeks + 6 days

I had a midwife appointment today. Unfortunately as I was driving from Waterloo to Guelph the office called me and wanted to reschedule for later that day as my primary midwife had delivered a baby this morning and wouldn't be back in time.
Sigh.
But no worries, I only had to kill a couple hours before the rescheduled appointment. Noah and I walked around downtown and I bought a nursing tank top. I think I need to take it back, though. It was ridiculously overpriced and I'm pretty sure I could one for cheaper. We'll see, though.

Anyway, so the midwife appointment went well and it seems that baby is head down although he is still mobile and can move around. Everything seems to be going well and I okayed all the tests they want to do on the baby once he's born.

Not much new. I still have a sweet tooth. I still feel this little guy bouncing around inside me. And I'm still slowing down big time.

On days like today I feel quite overwhelmed and tired - especially when I feel like Noah's been sick for over 2 weeks now (a week with stomach flu and now this darned head cold). Plus Jamie's been sick all week so that's no help to me.
I'm exhausted and I need a weekend away. Ah well.
I'm also VERY glad that we are moving to a house. Even today as I did the stairs with a cranky boy I felt like I was going to go into labour at any minute! So, yes. It's a GREAT thing we are moving. :)

pregnant and...mostly loving it.

Well this pregnancy has been far more ... body intensive.
By that I mean to say that I am feeling the effects of carrying another person inside me a LOT more than I felt with Noah. I literally can't stand for long periods of time, walk for long periods of time and definitely can't walk as FAST as I could before. I can't imagine hiking up and down a mountain trail like I did with Noah at this point in my pregnancy. I am feeling him much lower and the pressure this puts on my *looks around and says in a quiet, whispery voice* cervix can be a bit much at times - like tonight when Jamie and I went for a walk with Noah in the stroller. It actually was getting to be somewhat painful to walk.
And I HATE complaining about being pregnant as I generally love it, but this time around I don't find it hard to gripe a teeny tiny bit when asked how "it's" going.

I've also officially pulled something in my groin (?) and done something to my shoulder - both on the left side of my body. I felt the groin muscle go when I was holding a heavy box and used my leg to help me open a door. "Oh, yep. That's not going to feel good later on..."
The shoulder...I have no idea. It could be that I mostly sleep on my side, although with all the flip-flopping I do during my sleep I can't imagine it is soley due to my sleep position.
Oh the aches and pains have started!!!

body movin'

Holy Bajoley this kid can move when he wants to!
The other day I lay down (after having a large bowl of Lucky Charms...hm, that may have something to do with it come to think of it...) to have a rest/nap and this little guy just started kick boxing, shadow boxing, skip roping and every other vigourous activity you can think of! I felt like my belly was shaking up, down, left and right...it was pretty crazy.
Lately the jumps and movements have been pretty visible from the outside. I remember being able to see big movements with Noah a lot earlier - so maybe this guy will just be smaller! (A girl can hope, right?)
Anyway, so the movements have not slowed - as I originally thought and told my midwife - but have gotten almost more intense and violent! Active little fella. :)

30 weeks

That's right, folks! We have a bare belly - for the first time in Vanessa's pregnancy history, a picture has been taken of the belly in all its' bare glory.

(Note: Jamie called me a hippie for wanting to take a picture of my bare belly.)

No, Mr. President

John Piper responds to President Obama's statement that abortion protects women and freedom, and that it’s a private matter:

third trimester ponderings

Well, this little guy is still very active! I have noticed, though, that his movements have started to get larger in kind and although he still does rapid-fire kicks and punches, he's also rolling and pushing and sticking his butt out or head butting me in what feels like slo-mo. :)
We also think we have a name settled on, but I imagine it won't be set in stone (like Noah's name was) until this little dude is born.
I've gained about a pound in the last 3 weeks but I've also been TRYING to watch what I eat and buy healthier snacking options since we've been living here in Waterloo.
Not too much else to report...I've been going to be earlier these days as it takes me longer to fall asleep anyway.
I still can't believe I'm in my third trimester already! Time feels like it's gone by super fast and then also dragged on at the same time.
It's weird to think that this time next year I'll be a Mom to a 2.5 year old and a10 month old! I feel like I can't even imagine that!
The other day I teared up just thinking about Noah and little dude playing together some day - when Noah is 3 and little dude is 15ish months (?) and little dude just adores Noah and totally wants to be like him - similar to how Noah looks up to and adores Elijah. It almost made me cry. It's going to be very sweet and I do look forward to it.
A Mom to two boys! I'm very excited! :D

29 weeks

midwife appointment

Yesterday I had a midwife appointment and it went by fairly quick although I had Noah with me and he was a bit of a crankster.
I seem to be measuring on target, the baby's heartbeat was strong and she actually caught him in the middle of a heartbeat acceleration (excited about something?) and they took my blood again to see if the iron supplements are helping at all (I hope so!).
I got a ton of pamphlets to read over and we'll discuss at later appointments.
I also met the new intern (the new Rianne :D) who will be there for the duration of my pregnancy and probably the birth of this little guy. She's nice and I like her. She has a sweet spirit I think...so that's good.
Not too much else really, I'm going to get Jamie to take my 29 week pregnancy picture now. (29 weeks!!!!)

pain

Being a Mom to a sick child has got to be one of the hardest things to do/be.
It's hard because it's physically tiring. Cleaning up bodily fluids, more cleaning and lots of holding, which is nice, but also tiring.
It's hard because it's emotionally painful to watch your little child be in pain and not be able to do anything (really) to help them because you know that you'd take their pain away if you could. But you can't.
And my child only has the stomach flu.
I can't begin to imagine the pain of those parents who have to go with their child for chemotherapy treatments and watch their baby lose their hair and suffer beyond what they have suffered or will ever have to suffer. I can't begin to imagine the pain of those parents who have to hold their dying child and watch them struggle to breathe and listen and watch them take their last breath of life here on earth. I can't begin to imagine the pain of those parents who have to witness their walking, running, climbing child be crushed and destined to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of their life.
I can't even begin to imagine their pain.

It makes me think of Mary - Jesus' mother. I actually think of this and break down every time I watch The Passion of the Christ. The pain she must have felt to see her son - her innocent, perfectly sinless son take the fall for the rest of us who have known and willingly engaged in sin. I can't even begin to imagine her pain.

*As a side note, I know there is much pain felt by God the Father, but I write this as a mother and so that is why I mention Jesus' mother, Mary.

swelling

Today while in church I was fiddling with my engagement ring and wedding band and realized I couldn't get them off.
Oh jeez. The swelling has started 2 months earlier than it did last time!
Also, when I wear socks I get marks on my shins after when I take them off - fat feet land, here I come!

feelin' it

Wow, even just looking at my belly pics, I was carrying "high" until week 27 and then all of a sudden this baby just DROPPED. Isn't that a bit early?
No wonder I've been feeling extremely pregnant lately. And this pregnancy is totally taking a toll on me - much more than first time around. I did something to my hip yesterday and it's quite sore. Just walking? I have no idea how I hurt it. Likely hoisting Noah around or something...

28 weeks

my heart song

I've exhausted every possible solution,
I've tried every last game there is to play.
In this search for the Christ like perfection
I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed.
I cry I wonder can he hear my despair.
Afraid to lift my hands afraid he doesn't care.

And if he answers and I fall again
can I still be his daughter can I still depend on him?
When I'm down I search every mistake, looking for new regrets.
sometimes I forget, I forget that his grace is sufficient for me.
that it's deeper and wider than I can conceive.

His Grace is sufficient for me.
My convictions seem to fade with desperation,
my hope declines with each and every tear.
My sin an anchor and this grace just an illusion.

The gavels heavy and justice is near.
Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands.
Up comes my pride, I hide, I know he won't understand.
Cause it's deeper than deep and it's wider then wide.
why did I ever doubt now I'm dying inside.

His Grace is sufficient!

- Jennifer Knapp