Ponderings of my heart

I stepped out briefly this afternoon to pick up a few things from the store (ie. cold medicine!) while Jamie stayed back with both boys. I briefly reflected/reminisced about my days before kids. What did I do with all my time? Did I feel such reward and purpose? Did I feel such frustration and anger? Did I see such ugliness in me? Did I experience such personal growth? Did I receive such love and grace? 

 

There is a season for everything. 

 

I still miss those days sometimes. 

Then when I got home Jamie brought it up, "Remember before we had kids?" 

Yeah. I remember. Sorta. But I'd never wish away my boys for what we had then. 

There is a season for everything.

 

Then I thought about Noah. About his days. What he does all day long, what he must think...

The first year of a child's life looks so simple, easy, almost boring...but on the inside their brains are buzzing. They are learning SO MUCH. Even on the outside, when one stops to think about all the changes they go through, everything they need to and do learn...it's amazing! 

 

There is a season for everything.

 

I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting room last week with Jude and two little chatty girls (they were 6 and 7 years old - they told me) were talking a mile a minute. It was fun. I mostly just smiled and asked questions - they did a LOT of talking. One of them asked me if Jude could talk. Then she asked me if he could walk. I thought this was funny. Mainly because she had a 15 month old brother sitting in her Mom's lap. To kids...things happen at such a different rate in their heads than in ours. They measure things by sleeps, or the length of a Sponge Bob show (or whatever kids that age watch). We measure things by years. By semesters. By seasons. 

 

I guess I've just been pondering a lot these days. I think it's the Christmas season. 

 

There is a season for everything.

 

Noah already seems to be growing up into a little boy and yet he's still so young. The extremes he falls into - one second a little boy, putting on his socks by himself and saying, "I deed eet!" and the next second throwing a screaming fit on the floor like a baby unable to communicate with words. Sometimes I wish I could throw myself on the floor and scream.

 

There is a season for everything.

 

Uh, except for maybe throwing yourself on the floor and screaming. 

 

I told Jamie the other day, "I've never been a Mom to two little boys before.". It's hard. I'm not going to lie. But it's good. It's really good. And it's stretching me. I always knew I was somewhat lazy, but becoming a Mom has shown me how lazy and selfish I really am. I still fall back into my lazy, selfish tendencies (uh, all the time...) but becoming a Mom was the best thing that happened to me. It's made me - or at least it's MAKING me - into a better person. 
The thing is, I just don't want to become a DIFFERENT person completely. Just a better one. A person who is so much closer to becoming who Christ had in mind when he thought of me before the foundations of the earth were created. 

 

There is a season for everything.