home is wherever I'm with you

I remember when I first got married and my parents' house still felt like "home". I had two homes. The apartment I lived in with Jamie in Kitchener and the semi-detached house in Toronto that my parents and brothers still lived in. 

The longer we were married, the more the house that Jamie and I lived in seemed like home.

And then when we started having kids it was solidified. We moved a bunch of times, but home, our home was wherever we all lived together whether it was on Brant Avenue or Gaw Crescent in Guelph or Plot 334 Kampala, Uganda. 

With our move back to Canada closing in on us, I oscillate between calling it "Canada" and "home" when I talk to the boys. I think for Jude, Uganda is home. For Noah, home is in Canada. But for both of them, we will be changing it all up. The house we left is not the house we'll be moving back to.

This house in Kampala has become my home, but growing up in Canada for 29 out of 31 years, for me we are going home.

hidden

a taste of life in kampala:



and before this ride, at the market:



day to day life is fairly non-eventful at home with the boys. we play together {cars, pretend cooking and real cooking, read books, do crafts, kick the soccer ball around outside and watch some tv - the boys' current faves are Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Jungle Junction} but to be honest we rarely leave the house on our own. it's quite a lot for me to to take both the boys out by myself especially at the age jude is where he just likes to take off and explore on his own. not really a safe thing to do with boda bodas whizzing right beside you.
but we get by.
i continue to work through why God has specifically brought me here to do what i could easily do at home in canada, but i trust Him and already sense that He is using this time to refine me, shape me and make me into someone i wouldn't be if i had stayed back in canada.
as a wise woman said to me, it is a time of "hiddenness". hidden away from distractions. hidden away from comforts. hidden away in the home with often no one by my children to see what He is doing in me.
for such a time as this...

linking up with Miss Elaine-ous Mondays

why?

why are you moving to africa?

why are you packing up your lives {into 8 rubbermaid containers} and flying halfway around the world?

why are you going, especially when you have two young kids?

and then...

why are you taking your kids away from comfort? safety? opportunities? wealth? friends? family?

even if you don't say it, i know you think it sometimes.

because of Jesus.

because He loves us and it's his love that compels us to leave what we know for the unknown.

because our love for Him causes us {causes me} to actually desire to give up everything for the sake of bringing Him praise.

it's because of our kids that we are going.

not despite. or even though we have kids.

our call is their call. 

as a family we are called to africa.

the opportunities they will have are like none i could ever offer them living the life we live in canada.

their eyes will see things they would never see.

they will experience life as most of the world knows it.

 they will learn to live with little. 

and i know they will love it. 

{it's their parents that will probably have a harder time.}

they will see their parents striving to obey God and listening to His voice to go.

they will likely see us making mistakes and learning to lean on Him more and more. 

we will bond together in a way all families should, but the western world and all her distractions make so difficult.

us & Jesus. 

David Livingstone {missionary to africa} said this about leaving the "benefits" of england:

"Anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger, now and then, with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charities of this life, may make us pause, and cause the spirit to waver, and the soul to sink; but let this only be for a moment. All these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall be revealed in and for us. I never made a sacrifice."

this is what i want for me. for us.

we leave in one week today.

there have been crazy setbacks due to my procrastination and lack of planning;

but we go....

(in 7 days and counting)

like, not just love

i took off my engagement ring the other day.
women in uganda don't wear engagement rings and quite a few don't wear wedding bands.
i'm already getting used to how it feels.

today we went down to the beach and oh.my.heart.
it does me good to be there.
jude fell asleep a few minutes before we got there so jamie and noah went for a walk along the boardwalk while i sat in the car and read my bible and listened to mumford & sons and watched two different cars parallel park with perfect execution.
the breeze was a little bit of heaven blowing in through our open car windows.

once jude was awake we had a picnic lunch consisting of boardwalk hotdogs and some of the best fries i've had in awhile.

it
was
perfect.

it was nice to just be our family. and i like our family. not just love them. but i like them too. i enjoy being together.
just us.

later on we spent some time with family friends that we've gotten together {multiple times a year} with since jamie and i were dating {and they were getting together long before that without me!} and made some more fun memories and said our good-byes and were incredibly blessed by their generosity and thoughtfulness.

we are so blessed.

right here. right now.

a week and a half ago i was running when i tripped and fell.
big time.
it was more incredible than embarrassing if you can believe it.
i was shocked at how far i flew and the velocity with which i flew.
i could not have stopped myself if i tried.
because of this major wipeout (Major Wipeout! - HIMYM fans?) i've had these ridiculous scabs on my knees and my left elbow/arm. i forgot how bad a "picker" i am. it's probably borderline obsessive. is it easy for anyone not to pick a crusty scab?

just me?

okay. moving along.

today i took the boys for a bike ride in their new bike trailer that my parents bought for their collective birthdays to enjoy for this summer while we're here. it was a pretty long bike ride for someone who hasn't really done a long bike ride in quite some time. just over 10.5km. (my butt really hurts.)

i'm glad exercise is part of my life.
i want and need to exercise.
not just because i feel like i'll get fat but because i actually enjoy working my body and i feel better physically and emotionally after i exercise.

i like the length of my hair right now. sometimes when i let it air dry it looks awesome. sometimes it doesn't. (right now it looks awesome.)

on the craft docket for this week with the boys is this and this. i'm excited for both.

sometimes i feel like cramming my social calendar chock full.
sometimes i feel like hibernating.
right now? i feel like i might actually be somewhere in the middle. which is a good thing.

when the seasons change is when i find it hardest to fight materialism in my heart.

i think i'm falling deeper in love with Jesus. for me and Jesus it's always been gradual. no shocking testimony here. (aside from the fact that He chose me.)

i'm also falling deeper in love with jamie (we celebrated 7 years of marriage on saturday) and i'm so thankful to have married a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. i'm also really thankful for God's grace and mercy to me and jamie.
we were so young and immature and selfish (okay, so i'm pretty much speaking mainly for me) and yet He has used us and changed us and held us together so that i can honestly say that i do love jamie more today than i did 7 years ago.

i am continuing to surrender my hopes and desires for what my family is "supposed" to look like and am holding my plans loosely in my upward-facing palms. i have lots of hopes and dreams and desires, but i'm learning to want what Jesus wants most of all. it's usually in this state that my dreams and hopes end up aligning with God's plans and desires for me. so good!

this is the part of the blog post where most people go back and edit and delete.
but i have many people in my life that i love dearly and haven't been able to share with as much lately and so here i am. unfiltered. unedited. this is me and my heart and my life as of recent.

going and coming back

we went to the beaches today.

i am going to miss this city. this country.

so much.

it's hard to know where to even begin. we flew for over 17 hours to be in africa for 6 days.
we found a house.
we met the people we'll be working with.
i remembered the smells of living in an over populated city with diesel pollution and people coming up to your car window wanting to sell you things and sitting in traffic for 2 hours. we sat in traffic a lot.
i have very mixed feelings.
in a way, it's good. i know what i'm going into and it's causing me to miss my familiar already. it's causing me to soak it all in before we leave. it's causing me to grieve.
i feel strongly that this is still where we're supposed to go, but there is an ache that i feel that wasn't there before.

i am scared. i am cautious. i am excited. i am happy and thankful for the house we found - my home for the next two years. i have so many questions and thoughts and things to find out before we go.
but

i still have peace.

at Murchison Falls

the African Queen going to the base of the falls

our future home. just kidding. it's a village we passed on safari.

i love giraffes.

rock of ages

i woke up with this song in my head.



wash me, saviour
or i die.


we head to the airport in 45 minutes.
i am quietly freaking out.

have i forgotten anything?

do i have all my information that i'll need?

i'm going to miss my kiddos.

jesus, keep and hold my sweet boys. watch over them. protect them. 
sustain my parents as they watch them.
keep and protect jamie and i.
go before us. lead us to the home you've prepared for us.


wash me, saviour....or i die.
amen.

heartbeats

Every now and then it washes over me.

I am going to back to Africa. To live. With my husband and children.

My heart begins to pound with a teeny bit of insistence.

Looking at a friend's pictures {on facebook} of the city of Kampala and surrounding areas, the people, the streets, the lush green trees and grass it hit me all over again.

I am moving to Uganda.

Now I'm a fairly adventurous girl by nature. I am mostly laid-back. Low key is the name of my game. In a way, I'm sorta made to live in Africa.

And yet...panic. {Irrational} fear.

but for a moment...


The whole "be still and know that I am God" thing is the alternate beat of my heart.
I want to be still.
I want to let go of my {irrational} fears.
I want to release all of my hopes and plans for the next two years and surrender to His plans for me. For us.

I am not sure I can recall ever having such certainty about a calling on my life as I am about this move to Uganda for our family. At this time.

He wants us there. We want to be there.

His will be done.

In one week I will flying out of Paris with Jamie {2 days in Paris!} and into Uganda to find our home for the next two years and set up some other details before we fly back home several days later.
Would you pray we find the right home?
Thanks.

reflections

sigh.

i haven't picked up my camera in days.

i always find it difficult to blog or know what to blog when there's so much going on.
that's me right now.

living with my parents. in a new {old} city. seeing friends. missing friends. settling in. preparing to move across the world.
you know, normal stuff.

i'm running again.
with moving and settling in and vacationing i kinda fell off the bandwagon and my clothes are telling me that running again - it's a good idea.
i still have a sweet tooth that has a life of its own.

also, jamie just showed me this website and i really, really want to do it. with him. {how psycho cool are we?}

on sunday our pastor talked about the value in reflecting on your life experience and how it's the reflection that causes growth, not necessarily the experience.
i am striving to reflect more.
if only life would slow down enough for me to do that.

friend

my heart is full.
full of hellos and goodbyes and catching ups and excitement and nerves and plans and passions and frustrations and wrestling with thoughts of all sorts of wonderful, scary, challenging things.

life seems really busy/crazy these days.

i remarked to a sweet friend today that it seems that in the last year or less i've stumbled into these deep, real, raw, honest friendships and i ask God
why now?

and almost as quickly the answer comes back. so still. so perfect.

to sustain you while you're gone.


it seems like the timing is off, that just as these amazing friendships are developing i'm galavanting off to the other side of the world.
i don't know how many of these friendships will last, but i do know that all of them will change to some extent.
i also know that i am incredibly blessed to have so many amazing women in my life to call friend, regardless of the season of life or the distance that separates us.

dandelions

the days pass by so quickly {too quickly}.
everyone says
enjoy your kids; they grow up so quickly.
it's true. they do grow up so quickly. the days do pass so quickly. it's the enjoying that i need to continually remind myself.
it's not that i go through the hours and days and weeks with a frown on my face, it's just that the cute things, the adorable things, the funny things; i forget that they are cute/adorable/funny. i get used to them. i forget to cherish them. i don't take time to cherish the moments.

my mother's day gifts will not be elaborate or expensive (if there even are any). there will likely be no big "to-do" about me. and i'm okay with that.
my gifts are the dandelions noah picks for me and waits for me to finish what i'm doing {today it was a diaper changing} so that he can hand them to me and see my delight in his gift to me.
in this moment i thought,
this is it.
these are the moments i need to cherish and enjoy and live in. every day.
and those dandelions?
they are so the best gift ever.

so much more

i fell off the running bandwagon for a bit.
it was maybe for a few weeks, but it felt like years. {indoor running really bites.}
i'm happy the weather is somewhat decent again.
we went to my parents' friday-saturday and i brought my running gear and actually psyched myself up to go for a run.
my brother convinced me to go on a trail i was pretty familiar with so i mapped out just over 5km and went for it.
it was drizzly. and kinda cool {weather-wise}, but running on a trail? beside a river? with the birds chirping?
so good.

as i ran i sang in my head a few verses of "nothing but the blood" in time with the pounding of my shoes on the path,

what can wash away my sin?
nothing but the blood of Jesus;
what can make me whole again?
nothing but the blood of Jesus.


oh! precious is the flow
that makes me white as snow;
no other fount i know,
nothing but the blood of Jesus.


it was good to run and clear my head; to sing {in my head} and pray and talk with Jesus and think about Him and what He gave for me.
i thought about what amazing grace it was that i could even just breathe in and out as i pushed my body to run a little bit faster.

it was good.
the boys had just had an egg hunt at my parents' and it was fun to watch noah hop along and scoop up some eggs and find the little presents my dad had stashed for them.
we had brunch and later on went on to jamie's side of the family where we were inundated with candy, chocolate and more candy.
i'm still struggling to figure out how to live in this world and yet to teach my boys that there is so much more to easter {and christmas and life!} than chocolate and candy and food and presents. there is so much more to be gained by knowing Jesus.
and yet
there are sweet memories to be gained by redeeming and enjoying some of our culture's traditions and teaching our children that yes, we do fun things like open presents on christmas and search for chocolate eggs at easter. but without Jesus it's all meaningless.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.


For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.


In him was life, and the life was the light of men.

ps i'm totally doing an egg hunt for the boys tomorrow morning. and because we brought home at least 10lbs of candy/chocolate yesterday the only thing that will be edible is pocky. {i'm not a meanie, i promise. my kids go ape-shit crazy for it!} i put pennies, nickels and dimes in plastic eggs and little veggietales characters will be their little gift. i think it's going to be a winner, folks.

children's love languages

How my kids give and receive love has come up over the last little while and it's something I've thought about now for a couple years.
It's pretty clear to me at the moment that Noah is my kid who loves to be physically loved. The cuddles, the hugs, the kisses, sitting on my lap and just being physically near to me or Jamie has been his choice of receiving love since he was born.
Lately he's been asking for more cuddle time and the last couple nights after I put him to bed I'll lay down with him and we'll chat. I'll ask him if there's anything he wants to talk about or tell me and of course there is! Tonight there were tons of "why" questions;
Why are there leaves on the curtains?
Why are there pieces of paper hanging down on the shelves?
Why are there pictures in the office?
Why is there a picture of you and Daddy kissing?
Why did you sell the computer desk at the garage sale?
Why is there a printer in the office?
And it's never just the "why" question, but:
Um, Mom? Why....
And he always waits for me to say "yes?" or "yes, Noah?"
If I don't, he'll repeat "Mom?" again until I say "yes", even if I'm looking at him and giving him 100% of my attention.
Which leads me to think that words of affirmation are huge for him as well. He loves to be acknowledged (well, who doesn't?), encouraged, and cheered on. Not too much attention and not overboard, but the right amount of sincerity and encouragement works for him.
I've been loving this "pillow talk" time with Noah and just the chance to have time spent exclusively with him.
He says the most amazing and hilarious things and I am loving who he is more and more every day.
It's interesting because I've started becoming more specific and bigger in my prayers for and with him at night. Praying for who he is and who he'll become and I wasn't sure if he was listening or noticing but lately he's been asking that I pray "just for" him. Partly this is understandable as kids' worlds revolve around themselves, but I wonder how it must make him feel to hear his Mom pray for him to grow into a man who would love Jesus and others deeply and change the world.

On another note, Noah got upset today about moving to Africa to tell people about Jesus. He said he doesn't want to go anywhere and that Jesus is dead. I think this must be shocking to those who have never had a three year old - much less a three year old boy (or at least been around 3 year old boys on a regular basis) but I wasn't offended or angry with him. I knew that this was coming from a place of confusion over how to feel about everything changing (especially for a kid who doesn't particularly like big changes). So we talked. I told him about how Jesus already did die for us but that He's alive and He's never going to have to die again. Anyway, it was an interesting conversation and the first one I've had with him where he's voiced a negative response to moving.
So we'll continue to work through this.

But back to love languages - I'm looking forward to continuing to figure out with the boys how they best receive and give love and to communicate love to them in a way that really speaks to them individually.
In the meantime, I'm going to keep giving and receiving lots of cuddles.

these are the moments

Was it only last year that Noah was calling the tulip buds "those guys"?

How time flies.

tonight in bed Noah said to me after we prayed,

soon I'm going to grow up and be a Daddy.

And I'm going to have a beard.

And I'm going to go to work.

*pause*

And I'm going to drive a car!!!

I love how he longs to be "just like Daddy" already. These are the moments - the moments between the moments when we get to teach him what it means to be a man. And how to someday be a husband. And a father.

These are the moments.

yes. this.

tonight on twitter someone posted a link to a blog and i decided to check it out.

i am so glad i did.

i read it and at the end of it, i was all - YES.THIS.

it's something that's been on my heart and mind for quite some time now.
and i've blogged about it before. but it's fresh again in my mind.

i'm not sure if it's just that when i first became a mom my life was somehow consumed with all things related to motherhood and if anyone was doing it differently than me that they must be somehow mistaken or that somehow my experiences held the answer to everyone else's sleep/eating/breastfeeding/birthing dilemmas.

and then i'm not sure when it happened, but i stopped caring about everyone else. not in the bad sense that i have no concern or compassion for others, but more along the lines of i stopped caring what people thought of my parenting and i stopped judging others in their parenting styles.

we do what we do because it's best for us and also because it works for us.
i no longer draw the lines so firmly and darkly in how we "parent". i'm not a strict "babywise" or "baby whisperer" or "attachment" mom.  i do this and that and i don't beat myself up for what i do or how i do it. but make no mistake, i am a mom.

and for goodness sakes, i'm a good mom!

so you may cloth diaper or co-sleep or supplement with formula or do extended breast feeding or make your own baby food or do baby-led weaning or do CIO or wear your babies but honestly...
if your child is fed, nurtured, and loved then what business is it of yours (or mine?) to judge anyone for doing it a little differently than you do?

we need support. and we need advice and we need encouragement and we need someone to tell us to "hang in there, because it'll get better" and so we need other women in our lives who can come alongside and help us as we journey on this crazy road called "motherhood".

i love hearing about the differences. and i love sharing my experiences so far. but i'm going to let go of the guilt and judgement and just be.

colour

i originally took this picture because a) i noticed i have a child who avoids crusts and b) this is a very eclectic lunch which includes a granola bar, chicken rice soup, toast with cream cheese and apples.

but then i noticed that it's quite a colourful shot and that made me like it even more!

so here's a little colour for your thursday.

some days a little colour is all it takes to shake me from whatever rut i was in.

other days i need a little more help, but colour - colour always helps.

on being productive

We've been all about packing, sorting, organizing and preparing for our BIG garage sale happening this Saturday.
As I was going through the office closet I found 8 pillows. EIGHT!
I tossed them downstairs and made a "bed" in the middle of the living room for the boys (Jude is sick and Noah's always happy to have a "movie day") and we chilled at home today.
I got some pricing done and some sorting but the way I work (is this the way it works for everyone?) is that it almost always gets messier before it gets cleaner.
So we're kinda living in chaos and disorder.
I realized something about myself recently - or perhaps I put into words and a distinct thought what I had always felt before - I can handle the mess and disorder but the outcome is that I am prone to feeling overwhelmed and I usually end up doing nothing.
An organized, clean house leads to a productive Vanessa.
And that is a good thing.
Now, to get busy "organizing".

What's in a name?

I've noted differences between Noah and Jude before, but I just had to make note of this particular difference.

Noah calls me either Mama or Mom. Very rarely will he call me "Mommy".

And Jude calls me Mama or Mommy. It's absolutely heart-melting to hear him call me "Mommy", I'm not going to lie.

It'll be interesting to see if Noah changes what he calls me and if Jude drops the "Mommy" once he starts talking more.

My siblings and I called our parents Mommy & Daddy for a very long time and I had to tell myself (I was at least in my teens...longer, possibly) that I had to start calling my Mom, Mom and not "Mommy" anymore. And same with my Dad, although "Daddy" still slips out every once and awhile. For some reason it seems more socially acceptable for a daughter to call her father "Daddy" even once she is grown.

I like that my kids call me "Mama", though. It's warm and nurturing I hope it stays in their vocabulary for a long time.

shelter from the storm

we all have storms in our lives. 

for some people it seems like the storm barely subsides before another one rages in.

for others there are many, many moments before the next storm.

but we all have storms.

today i looked out my window to see at least a dozen robins huddling in the branches of the tree in the corner of our yard.

poor robins.

they had no idea this wicked storm would hit just days after our balmy 10 degree weather.

i was forced out of the storm of good byes and packing and details of our move just today with someone else's storm. 

a scary, life-altering, family-changing storm.

thank you Jesus that you are the calm in all our storms - no matter what they be. 

and thank you that you provide shelter from the storms that shake us to the core of our being - especially those that come out of nowhere.

i dream

i dream of:

romance

adventure

sitting at a bay window, cozied up with a good book and a wool blanket

opening up my own bakery

- in Europe somewhere (or the beaches)

singing in front of small but crowded venues

being skinnier

being healthier

being closer to Jesus

adopting 5 (or so) kids

giving birth to a few more, too

living downtown Toronto

travelling across Canada (in one of these) and then down the west coast of North America

running a marathon

peonies, lots of peonies

acting again

summer

owning a piano

the tattoo i never got

reaching out to my neighbours

making friends in uganda

doing something BIG

living on the east coast

living on the west coast

living in new zealand

sailing around the world

having a closet full of beautiful summer dresses

never having to shave my legs again

throwing caution to the wind

i dream.

what do you dream of?

*found this video (03.25.2011) and it fits so perfectly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI