gross and icky

my stomach still feels gross and icky. like i made the wrong choice. i'm still not sure. my head tells me i did the right thing. my heart? it's confused.


i hear someone say hello and think it's our maid talking to someone on the phone. then noah comes in and says, someone's here to see you, mom. 
i turn around from my spot on the couch and see a ugandan woman standing outside our front porch.
how did she get in through our gate? 
nick quickly walks past me and i realize he has let her in.
she has a drop of water on the top of her chest.
i realize that it is a tear.
her eyes are tearing up.
we say the usual greetings although i am impatient and want to know who she is and why she's here.
but that would be rude.
nevertheless, the greetings are short.
i still have no idea who she is. i think she might be the maid that used to work for the people who lived with nick and trevor now live, but i'm not sure. she's already launched into her speech.
her son is sick.
the hospital's soonest appointment could be next year.
she wants my help but then quickly adds that she doesn't want my money. only me to come help her with her son.
i ask her if she has family or friends around. if she regularly attends a church. she does. i ask her if she's talked to her pastor and she says they don't have money to give her. i tell her that her church family should come around her and support her, help her with her son and pray for her. she looks frustrated. i know that despite what she's said, she's looking for money.
i tell her that i have no money, my husband is not at home and that she should talk to her pastor again, and make the appointment at the hospital and see if she can get her son in any sooner.
i tell her i have my own children that i can't just leave by themselves.
she looks dejected and possibly bitter. i can't tell. 
i feel rotten but i know that coming to some white stranger because you think they have money is absolutely not the answer. 
white people throwing money at ugandans has not helped this country before and it's not the answer to the desperation, the corruption, the frustration that the beautiful people meet here on a daily basis. 
i tell her i'm sorry and she walks back up to our gate.
i am frustrated at being accosted in my own home.
i feel sick at her situation and what must seem like a cold-hearted answer coming from a rich, white lady who couldn't possibly understand her situation or show pity toward her.
i feel more confident now that it is the church of uganda that needs to step up and be the family it's supposed to be. to support the members. to help those who are hurting and bear one another's burdens. 
i can't help everyone. i know that Jesus is the answer. to all the hurt and corruption and brokenness and frustration.
but my heart still feels gross and icky.
we live in such a broken world.


1 Cor. 12:24-27
But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
Now you are the body of Christ and each one of you is a part of it.

immanuel

we've been opening our advent envelopes and have done things like going on a nile cruise, made paper snowflakes, done other crafts, read the story of Jesus' birth by candlelight, but yesterday our activity was to go and buy some things for the sanyu babies home and today's activity was to go and deliver them.
so this afternoon {after we went to a christmas party at kelly's house}we went back to our side of town and visited the sanyu babies home to complete our advent activity for the day; dropping off some diapers, wipes, rice, formula and other needs they had.
remember my 1/2 birthday party that my amazing friends threw for me back in april? well, half of the money that was given to me was to go toward a charity/cause of my choice. this is one of the things my money went to!

i was excited to involve the boys and give them this chance to help other kids.
i'm not sure what i was expecting to see, but for some reason i was not expecting to see all 49 children running around without shoes on. i was not expecting to see one of the little toddlers with completely soaked pants {from pee}. i was not expecting to see one of the staff crying as she said good-bye to a newly adopted baby {we had just arrived at the end of their farewell party}. i was not expecting to be offered to share a lollipop with one of the kids.
i believe these children are given what the staff can give them {be it love/attention/physical needs} and that it is one of the better run and maintained orphanages in kampala, but still my heart aches.
i watched my children walk into the playground area in their crocs and sandals with fresh diapers and clean clothes on, still smelling like the shampoo from the night before. they played on the swings and slide with the other kids, oblivious to the fact that at the end of the day, these children would likely sleep in a room with a lot of other children with no parent at the end of the hall to come in and lie down with them when they wake up during the night. when jude fell off the swing he knew he had me to comfort him. and even though he screamed as we left {he wanted to stay longer and play}, i thought of all the other children who had no choice but to stay there.
we will definitely go back to sanyu many times over the next year and a half that we are here. i will hold children and give them love and attention.

 and my heart will still ache when i leave.

tonight i prayed with the boys that God would send more parents to sanyu and all the other orphanages in uganda and the world to bring home their babies {no matter if they're 9 months old or 9 years old} and bring them into a new family just like God brought us into His family.
it all comes back to Jesus.
and that is what christmas is all about.
i was adopted into God's family because Jesus gave up everything to become a baby and be the rescuer of mankind.
immanuel. God with us.

tender heart

I was busy making dinner tonight when Jamie came in from barbecuing and told me this story

I was outside when I heard these soft crying sounds and I turned and I saw Noah crouched down and softly (slightly fake) crying.
I said, "Why are you crying? What's the matter?"
He said, "I'm sad and I'm crying because these flowers are dying." and then he pointed to some wilted flowers.


When Jamie told me this I just about died - my sweet boy with such a tender heart. Crying over flowers.

Jesus, please keep his heart soft and tender for the weak ones in our world. Give him the wisdom and the compassion to go out and do something to make a difference in the world.

1/2

i am the best person to throw a surprise party for.
simply because i am always completely clueless and totally blown away.

example:
today.
a week or so ago i got an email from my sweet friend jen, inviting me and a few others to join her today to have a little birthday celebration at her place. myself and several others replied saying that of course we'd be there.

today i had lined up a hair appointment that was conveniently right before the party and as i walked in to jen's house with freshly cut hair {whoo boy i needed it: as in i couldn't remember exactly when i last had my hair cut} i saw that jen had a funny look on her face. within seconds a bunch of people jumped out holding signs with "1/2" and "30" on them and it took me a minute to figure out that this party was not for jen, but for my 1/2 birthday. you see, i turn 30 on october 21st which means i'll be in uganda by then.
my amazing friends jen & suz had organized a surprise 1/2 birthday party {i turned 29 and 1/2 on april 21st} for me in the guise of a birthday party for jen so that i would get to celebrate my 30th with my friends!

wow.

there were tears, folks. and then i believe i said that i was thankful i had just gotten my haircut. {oh the vanity.}

and if that weren't amazing enough it was a "1/2 and 1/2" party which means that people gave money in lieu of gifts and half of it i get to give to an orphanage in Uganda when i go! this speaks so deeply to who i am and what i'm passionate about. and my friends know it and are now a part of it.

best 1/2 birthday present EVER.

it was also a really great opportunity to say some good byes and spend some time with people that have been such a part of my life here in guelph and i truly pray and hope that we will stay in contact with each other over the next few years.

i feel very loved and very blessed and am still in shock.
thank you jen and suz. i love you both very much and am trying not to think about how very much i'll miss the both of you. {please write. and call. and skype.}

more tears.

softie

I'm not sure what it is lately, but my heart is softening. {and I'm glad.}

Yesterday in the car I was explaining to the boys {mostly Noah since Jude was making weird breathy noises while rooting around for wayward Cheerios} about Operation Christmas Child and how we were going to fill up a shoe box with wonderful toys and gifts for a little boy who wouldn't be getting anything for Christmas this year.

I had to pause as I told Noah that he sometimes might not have enough money for food and his tummy gets hungry more than his (Noah's) does because I was gulping back sobs at the thought of this child and what situation he might be living in.

Today at the gym I cried watching a Canadian Tire commercial of a family surprising their elderly mother with outdoor Christmas decorations. {Okay so I'm a sucker for commercials...}

I'm looking into and for more worthy causes to give toward and to inspire others to give to as well. Companies like 31bits enabling women in Northern Uganda to make a living by making jewellery. And TOMs Shoes giving away a pair of shoes for every shoe that is bought. There's Samaritan's Purse, Living Water and World Vision. The list goes on and on! {If you know of any websites, organizations, companies that are doing amazing things and offer ways to partner with them, please leave a comment!}

My heart is softening.

It is hard. It is painful. But it's so much better than being cold and uncaring. Because I was there. I still am, sometimes. But I want to feel love and compassion. I want to show my boys how much greater it truly is to give than it is to receive. I want to lead by example.