Did the last two years even happen?
Because everything seems the same. I seem the same. They seem the same. This city and all the familiar places seem ... the same.
And then there are moments that are almost like a slap in the face with clarity and realization that scream in my face, YES. The last two years really did happen and I wasn't here. I was in Uganda. I have changed. So has everyone else. In one way or another.
Isn't it funny that what I missed most while I was in Uganda, is the same thing I miss now that I'm back in Canada?
Being known. Belonging.
It's like re-learning the lesson of where I truly belong and can call home all over again.
This isn't my home. I'm not meant to feel truly settled on this earth.
I'm struggling to find my routine. To figure out where and how I fit. To figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. In Guelph. In this life.
The simple answer is giving glory to God in all that I am.
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But what does that mean for me, a Mother of three boys, two of which have just started school for the first time? What does that mean for me, a wife, married to my best friend, but trying to find time for our marriage in the middle of chaos and a fast-paced life? What does that look like? What does it mean for me?
And the things that Jesus is teaching me are things He's already taught me before. And the way He continues to reveal the ugliness of my soul can sometimes feel devastating and frustrating.
But there is grace. And sweet gentleness. And unconditional love. And mercy.
Last week I read through the book of Ephesians {hands down, my favourite book in the Bible} and once again was just struck with the depth of my need for a Saviour and how despite my rebellious, ugly nature, Christ died for me. He loved me. Before I ever did a thing to love him or move toward him with any good intentions or repentance.
Before I was repentant
He came for me.
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So I don't really know a lot these days. But I do know that I am loved. That He chose me. And I think that if I really internalize and ruminate upon that truth, all my actions will flow from His love for me.
And that will be enough.
Oh girl! This part is hard eh? I went through a mini version of what you've described when we moved to NYC last September. Culture shock. Not being known. Struggling to find my routine. And the conclusion was the same- heaven is my home and I'm never supposed to get too comfy here. And there is grace, too.
ReplyDeleteIt must be extra strange coming BACK to a place where you were known, did have rythms, etc.
Hoping Things get smoother and Hod is super clear in showing you what's ahead :)
It really is strange. And hard. But so much goodness and joy. I just need to stop, slow down and look. :)
DeleteThanks!
A great piece of writing. There is a lot in it I can relate to..... I loved:
ReplyDelete"And the things that Jesus is teaching me are things He's already taught me before. And the way He continues to reveal the ugliness of my soul can sometimes feel devastating and frustrating. But there is grace. And sweet gentleness. And unconditional love. And mercy."
I've experienced a lot of change in my life the last six months- Joe left his job and has gone into ministry, I got pregnant and then we moved into a small town, different church, different friends, different pace of life.... and through it all I've kept asking myself what God is calling me to during this season.. as if being a follower of Christ, a mom and wife aren't enough to keep me busy(!?) The lesson I'm learning through this transition is that the more I surrender what I want my life to look like... the more contentment I'm feeling. I know it's a little cliche to say, but the knowledge has been moving from my head to my heart the last few weeks. My life feels like it's going smoother and I have more joy as I consciously surrender it to God.
All this to say... thank you for writing this post. It's nice to know other friends are on similar paths learning what "enough" looks like in their life -practically speaking.
Thanks, Margie.
DeleteThat is a lot of change to go through.
So glad you are feeling content and joy in where God's placed you. :)