On keeping it real and Instagram

I'm a total Instagram addict and I'm okay with that. It's kinda where I "blogged" for these last few months.

But I love browsing other people's profiles and I'm always drawn to those whose pictures are white and bright and lovely and airy. And I look at mine and I like my pictures but they are not all white and bright and light and airy. But they are a reflection of my life and my life is colourful and gritty and sometimes filled with shadows and sometimes it is fuzzy out of focus. Sometimes it is white and bright but it is not always so. And neither are the lives of the people whose profiles I like. 

Because there is always some sort of disparity between real life and the interwebs. Even when we try our hardest to "keep it real". 

Christmas morning 2013

So I did it! I did adjust the position of the camera a few times and it's not perfect, but it's real life. Here's a taste of what our Christmas morning looked like! Enjoy!

Christmas morning 2013 from Vanessa Strickland on Vimeo.

enough

There are moments where I ask myself,
Did the last two years even happen?
Because everything seems the same. I seem the same. They seem the same. This city and all the familiar places seem ... the same.

And then there are moments that are almost like a slap in the face with clarity and realization that scream in my face, YES. The last two years really did happen and I wasn't here. I was in Uganda. I have changed. So has everyone else. In one way or another.

Isn't it funny that what I missed most while I was in Uganda, is the same thing I miss now that I'm back in Canada?
Being known. Belonging. 

It's like re-learning the lesson of where I truly belong and can call home all over again.
This isn't my home. I'm not meant to feel truly settled on this earth.

I'm struggling to find my routine. To figure out where and how I fit. To figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. In Guelph. In this life.
The simple answer is giving glory to God in all that I am.

But what does that mean for me, a Mother of three boys, two of which have just started school for the first time? What does that mean for me, a wife, married to my best friend, but trying to find time for our marriage in the middle of chaos and a fast-paced life? What does that look like? What does it mean for me?

And the things that Jesus is teaching me are things He's already taught me before. And the way He continues to reveal the ugliness of my soul can sometimes feel devastating and frustrating.

But there is grace. And sweet gentleness. And unconditional love. And mercy.

Last week I read through the book of Ephesians {hands down, my favourite book in the Bible} and once again was just struck with the depth of my need for a Saviour and how despite my rebellious, ugly nature, Christ died for me. He loved me. Before I ever did a thing to love him or move toward him with any good intentions or repentance.
Before I was repentant
He came for me.

So I don't really know a lot these days. But I do know that I am loved. That He chose me. And I think that if I really internalize and ruminate upon that truth, all my actions will flow from His love for me. 

And that will be enough. 

a stripping away

We have less than 4 months left in Uganda before moving back to Canada.
LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS.

Since we've been back from Spain we've all been brutally sick.
We've had a really crappy water situation.
We've had rotten power and were without for over 3 days straight.
We've had bedbugs and "African B.O.".
Blaise is adorable as ever, but I'm waking up at least 3 or 4 times a night still with him. Colour me sleep deprived.

and I've gone off sugar.

I feel like all the things I usually go to are being stripped away.
A nice shower before bed to wash off the sweat and dirt and grime of the day? Nope.
An internet connection or even battery on my computer/phone to connect with friends and family? Nope.
A lovely chocolate bar in a particularly stressful moment of the day? Nope. {Although this is my own doing.}
The feeling of being safe from critters, even in your own bed? Nope.
A solid 5+ hours of consecutive {or total} sleep? Nope.

God is stripping these things away from me. He is not done with me even though I only have 4 more months left in Uganda. I know that He still has much for me. I often reflect and think, Have I even changed? Is my life different because I moved to Uganda for two years? Do I love Jesus more than I did 2 years ago?

I feel like a small child. Slow to listen. Slow to learn. I feel gratitude for the patience and mercy of God toward me.

Because He continues to say to me, Come to ME. Rest in ME. Find your solace and your comfort in ME. Those other things may be good, but they won't last like I do. Come to me, sweet child. I will give you rest.

I have changed, but it is not of my own doing. It is all Jesus. Alive in me. Isn't that absolutely mind-blowing? Stop and think about it. Jesus. Is alive. In me. It is Him working to change my character into someone who is more gracious and generous. Someone who loves more, gives more, serves more joyfully.

I also feel like Jesus is helping me reroute my attention back to my family. Like I'm coming full circle to where I began when we first moved here. I have my three amazing, precious boys. Shut the laptop. Walk away from the iPad. Get down on the ground and play cars or Lego. Get the puppets out. Climb a tree. Make a craft. DANCE PARTY!

So there is a stripping away that continues in my life. I pray that when we move back to Canada, I continue to be changed. Even when it's hard and painful and the stripping away just plain sucks. Because I don't want to look back in another two years and wonder, Have I even changed/grown at all? Do I love Jesus more now than I did two year ago?

earl grey tea and jam cookies

the sounds {grass cutters, birds chirping) and sights {green trees, sunny blue skies} outside right now tell me it's summer. and summer does not equal christmas.
however, the calendar says it's december 8th. what's up with that?

a few years ago i introduced my closest friend, jen, to the wonder that is cheese stars. i make them every christmas. they are delicious. make them and then grab a few and enjoy with a large glass of red wine while they're still hot. you're welcome.

anyway, in return, she introduced me to these beauties; earl grey tea and jam cookies. as i recall, we made a triple batch and had dozens of these cookies sitting on every surface in her kitchen. {i miss you, jen!}
so yesterday i made them. i didn't make them last year, but this year i wanted to. they're so delicious. almost like a shortbread cookie, but not quite. and not too sweet either. if you like tea and cookies {who doesn't?} these are the perfect cookie for you.

do see the flecks of tea? amazing.

here's the recipe:

earl grey tea and jam cookies

1 cup butter, softened
2/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
2 tsp earl grey tea leaves {approximately 2 tea bags}
1/4 tsp salt
2/3 cup jam {any flavour will do. i chose strawberry and apricot}

beat the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. beat in the egg and the vanilla.
in a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, tea and salt. then stir it into the butter mixture until just combined. the mixture will be a bit crumbly so feel free to get in there with your hands and shape into a ball. {if they're just way too crumbly, add some water, a tablespoon at a time until the dough is a bit more manageable. this dough is not a sticky dough, so don't add too much.}
refrigerate for about 20 minutes.
using a tablespoon, roll about 1 inch balls place on a cookie sheet.
using the tip of a wooden spoon handle, make indentation into the centre of each ball, almost to the bottom.
bake in the top and bottom thirds of a 350F oven, rotating and switching halfway through until light golden {15-18 minutes}.
transfer to racks and then spoon 1/4 tsp of jam into the centre of each cookie. let cool.

alternately, if you want to make these ahead of time, let them cool and then freeze in an airtight container and then add the jam before you want to serve them.

i froze just over half of them {mine made just over 3 dozen} and we enjoyed the rest of them last night.

and while we're on the subject of keeping things real {see previous post}, here's today's attempt at making cocoa roasted almonds. epic fail. i really need a temperature gauge in my oven. and to pay more attention when i'm baking things. and to set a timer. especially when i have guests over. jamie says they're okay and not to throw them out. but they're pretty burnt. oh well.

life, lately

to be honest, i'm tired. i feel like that's been my standard answer now for oh...2.5 months now? good. but tired. 

half of the advent activities we've supposed to do haven't happened. 

i've missed out completely on most of the advent stories/readings that jamie does with the boys because i'm putting blaise to bed. 

noah struggled with his temper yesterday. 

jude peed in his pants four times. 

blaise screamed no matter what i did. 

i'm not complaining, but i do want to be honest here. because i never want to come across as a "super mom" or someone who seems to have it all together on this blog or in real life. i think there's enough out there that compels us to compare ourselves. at least it's something that i struggle with. every.single.day. 

so let's keep it real, shall we folks?

it's amazing, though, the third time around how my perspective is so different. jamie came into the kitchen today as i was making tortillas {yay for a dinner that everyone will eat!} with a fussy blaise in his arms and said, "this shall not pass." jokingly, of course. because we both know this time around how quickly this time actually does pass by us. pretty soon he'll be crawling and shoving noah's rogue lego pieces into his mouth and mauling jude with his drool. 

jamie and i are behind on our advent readings and despite my best intentions, it's after 11pm and i'm still up. 

there are hard things and hard times in everyone's lives. but there are also good things.

such as...

us investing into a new friendship with another couple here and also getting some free baby stuff - yay for a crib for blaise that's not a lumpy, bumpy pack 'n play mattress! 

homemade peppermint patties. lots of work {and a recipe i won't try again with kids running around me} but oh so delicious straight out of the freezer. because ya know, it's too warm around here to keep it out. hard life, i know. 

a date at the movies with my hubs who generously holds and rocks mr. fussypants by the entrance way so i can watch the movie and not miss out. {skyfall was awesome, by the way!}

taco night. 'nuff said.

grace spoken to my heart and patience amidst frustrating circumstances.

so let's not kid ourselves; life is hard sometimes. and sucky. but also? so good.

three in december

taken while they were opening new {to them} christmas books as their advent envelope activity.
blaise's face in the bottom right one is hilarious.
don't mind the shirt-chewing going on with noah. it drives me crazy, but i have a feeling it's genetic {jamie used to chew on his shirts and i used to bite my fingernails}.

oh my boys.

it isn't easy this whole raising three boys thing. and that with a particularly fussy littlest, but i'm doing it the best i know how.

i know that it gets better and easier and then harder and then easier and then harder and then easier...it's always in flux.

i've found myself praying a lot more for patience and love and for selflessness - especially in the thick of things or as i head in to break up {another} a fight or pick up a screaming baby, or put down my book to answer yet another question. jesus is changing me. slowly by slowly {as they say here}, and i continue to see how weak and unable to do this on my own, but there it is. christ in me. the hope of glory. in the meantime, though i think i need to make myself another cup of coffee!

*linking to steph who posts pictures of her four kids on the fourth.