March THREE {on the fourth}

They like to take all the pillows off the couch and build boats or walls or forts or hideouts. It's a rare occasion that they put them all back. At first I contemplated making a rule about not taking cushions off the couch. But...I'd rather them take the cushions off and use their imaginations than keep the living room pristine with them glued to the tv because there's nothing else to do.

They are growing, growing, growing. Fighting and talking and laughing and eating {a lot!} and wrestling and making messes and learning and it's going all so fast and yet so slowly sometimes.

I seriously don't even know how I managed to capture that picture. Nothing short of a miracle, folks.

I am exhausted and full and happy and sometimes yelling and hugging and kissing and tickling and teaching and correcting and loving. I am filled to the brim and yet often completely drained. Motherhood is a complex thing.
Blaise is finally sleeping better {glory hallelujah!}, Noah is reading like a fiend and it thrills my heart every time he reads a book or a word or a sign and Jude is always full of questions {and stories} about life and God and so soft to the gospel despite his challenging behaviour at times {which one of us doesn't have "challenging behaviour" in our own lives?}.

I am just trying to live each moment to the fullest and soak it all in.

Every month I take pictures of my boys on the third {or fourth}. See past months here. 

doctor's office

Last week while Jamie was away I thought it would be a good idea to take all three boys to the doctor's office and then navigate the older two getting booster shots. Yeah, it was about as awesome as you can imagine.

On the upside, I almost hit two pedestrians crossing the road on the way home because the sun was glaring right into my eyes. Oh wait, that was supposed to be an upside. Well, I didn't hit them. So there's that.
Okay the real upside is that Blaise managed to charm absolutely everyone in the doctor's office and get smiles out of everyone - big and smile. I mean small.

We had to go back to the doctor yesterday to get some meds for a brutal cough that Noah's had for the past two weeks. Hoping it clears up. Blaise was at it again with the other patients in the waiting room. He walked right up to a teenage boy and pointed to his pants. The boy was a bit surprised at first, but then smiled and engaged with Blaise. It was quite sweet.

I'm always thankful for the opportunity my kids give me to interact freely with strangers. But I'm definitely not winning the Super Mom Award for my behaviour and attitude this week. I've yelled more and sighed more and muttered things under my breath and it hasn't been pretty.
I blast worship music in the car when the whining and bickering threatens my sanity and I pray that the words will seep deep down into my soul and I will find peace in the madness. That God will be merciful to me and give me His love to love these gifts that He's given me. My children.

learning to lean

I am not the most spirit-filled person at 6am. Especially when it's 6am and I am changing wet sheets on the top bunk. True story.

I was driving home from my parents' house on Saturday night and all three boys were asleep. At a stop light, I turned around and stared in their sweet, sweet faces as they breathed deeply in absolute peace and relaxation and I felt so blessed. I am blessed. And in that moment, thoughts of wet beds and early mornings are about the farthest things from my mind.

But then 11:30pm comes and Jude throws up all over himself. And it's sheet-changing time again. But we get through it. And both boys {Noah had a fever} napped on and off all day on Sunday and today woke up feeling well enough to fight with each other so I sent them both to school. Also a true story. 

Last week while I was sick, Jamie took Blaise and Jude {on his non-school day} to the Y in the mornings and one morning, Jamie came to pick up Blaise and he was on the other side of the play area, away from the other kids. The childcare worker handed Blaise to Jamie and said, 

So Blaise had some difficulties this morning with other children.
He was hitting children.

On the head.

With a book.

Oh my. I laughed out loud when I heard this but not out of pride {of course I'm not proud} but it's just what it is. Poor kid has learned to hit from his older brother and is doing what he knows. So we're continually emphasizing his need to be gentle and not to hit. When we were out for dinner last week, Blaise was getting rough with Noah as he was grabbing Noah's arm and pinching him so I said, 

Blaise, be gentle. Gentle touches.

Blaise looked at me and then looked at Noah and embraced his arm and gently stroked it. Again, I laughed. He's a smart cookie and he knows. So we'll keep working on it, but it's good to know that he's learning to be gentle and understands how to do it.

And today after a wicked spin class at the Y I picked Blaise up and they said that instead of throwing a ball at the baby's head {!}, he waved instead. Progress indeed!

Right now I'm sitting in a very quiet house. Blaise is asleep. The boys are at school. I'm munching on sugar snap peas and hummus {I'm trying to be good although I totally sabotaged myself by buying a bag of peanut butter cups. Sigh.} and it's so quiet that I'm tempted to put some music on. But then I stop and just embrace the quiet. There is so little quiet in my life that I need to soak it up and remember what quiet feels like.
Today the wind is blowing and it's a winter wonderland out there. I am thankful for a home with heat and hot showers. I am thankful for a good school for my kids and a fridge with yummy food in it. I am thankful for parents who come and spend the day with us on Sunday to help keep the crazies at bay. I am thankful for Jude and his sweet heart that I see tuned towards Jesus, especially in prayers like this, "And thank you God for sending Jesus as a baby and that He died on the cross so I didn't have to die." Such a gem. Such sweetness in my heart.
Even though I am missing Jamie, I am learning how to lean even more heavily upon Jesus and His people.

things i'm loving, lately...

The smell of Christmas. I've been simmering a pot on my stove and it's making the whole house smell delightful! 

All you need is:

1 orange, quartered

a handful of cranberries

a few cinnamon sticks

a tablespoon of whole cloves

Put all the ingredients in a pot, fill it with water so everything is submerged and then simmer and enjoy the glorious smells wafting through your house.

Songza Christmas music mixes. My current favourite is Lauren Conrad's Holiday Soiree. Check it.

White Christmas lights on our tree and around our big bay window. So magical.

Bath & Body Works Candy Cane Bliss hand soap. It's in our powder room and my boys can't get enough of it. They'll wash their hands {bonus!} and come out waving their hands in everyone's faces saying, "Anyone wanna smell mint!??!" But seriously. Next step is to buy a candle in the scent because it's amazing.

My new advent envelope artwork by Naptime Diaries. So gorgeous and now I don't have to decorate new envelopes each year. 

Now to figure out the activities I'll be doing. I still have a week, right?

Having people over in our house. Okay so I've loved that for a long time, but it's nice now that we're more settled to have the space to accommodate them all! We had both our families over after the Guelph Santa Claus parade last weekend and with 10 adults and 3 kiddos it was a full house and I loved every minute of it! 

Can you believe my boy are the only kids on both sides? So far! I'm loving the fact that I'm going to be an Auntie come May! My sister is pregnant and I am thrilled at the prospect of being an Aunt for the first time! 

I'm attempting to do an Advent devotional this December and I'm using this free one from Desiring God. 

So technically I haven't started yet, {although I have read the introduction} but I am looking forward to taking time each day to focus and still my heart in preparation for the celebration of Jesus' birth. I'm loving that I get this privilege of talking to and hearing from the Creator of the Universe who came to Earth as a humble, helpless baby for me and you. Amazing.

And I'm loving that my boys are so ecstatic about the snow. Noah proclaimed yesterday as the snow fell and stayed on the ground, "This is the best day ever!". They want to go outside and play every day and I am definitely loving the fact that we have a built in sledding hill in our backyard. Yet another reason God picked this house for us. 

I am loving spending time with friends and family. Being in their homes and having them in mine is such a lovely blessing and I am soaking it all up. 

What are you loving, lately?

traveling with young kids: the good, the bad, and the ugly

So we took a bunch of flights recently to Spain. With three kids. For the first time. 

It was...interesting.

Our flight path:

Entebbe, Uganda to Cairo, Egypt. 1ish hour layover.

Cairo, Egypt to Barcelona, Spain. Arrive around midday. Take a {very expensive} taxi to our apartment hotel for the night. Get up early to be at the airport for around 7am.

Barcelona, Spain to Malaga, Spain. Kick around at the airport for 2ish hours to wait for our shuttle bus to Nerja. Spend a week in Nerja for our work conference.

Then Malaga, Spain to Barcelona for 6 days of vacation. Take public transit to our rented apartment for the week. No more expensive taxis for us. After 6 days it's back to the airport in Barcelona.

Barcelona, Spain to Cairo, Egpyt. 1.5 hours layover. Eat Burger King and Haagen Dazs ice cream {banoffee flavour in case you were wondering. Pure heaven.}

Cairo, Egpyt back to Entebbe, Uganda. Arrive at 3am.

The Good

I made surprise packages for the boys and put them in their carry on suitcases including some candy, crackers, and a few other snacks as well as stickers, crayons and colouring books. I also snuck in a new book into each of their suitcases which they actually didn't discover until we arrived at our final destination. They were also allowed to pick 5 toys to include and were looking forward to playing with the various dinosaurs they chose {they're both in a dino phase these days}. They were really looking forward to these packages and it kept them occupied for all of 7 minutes. Just kidding. They were occupied for at least a third of the first flight.

Jamie charged up his iPad and computer and the boys watched movies and played games on the various "screens". This probably kept them occupied for at least half of the flight times. 

Blaise happily slept for a good chunk of the flights. 

I had an empty row to myself with Blaise for four out of six flights. It was almost for three flights, but my hero {my hubs} got me a row to myself for our final flight instead of sitting beside two men again. One of which had a decent case of BO.

The Bad

Our flight from Cairo to Barcelona was filled with high school students who happily {and loudly} hung over the backs of seats, walked up and down the aisles as I tried to rock Blaise to sleep. I felt like I was on a high school bus trip. 

This was one of the flights that I did not have the row to myself. Luckily I was seated next to a really nice university-aged couple who were utterly charmed by Blaise.

Our flight from Malaga to Barcelona was full. And I was in between two business men. It was not pleasant although both men were as accommodating as you can be to someone who doesn't speak your language and is breastfeeding their 4 month old baby right beside you.

Jude was his usual 3.5 yr old self. Provoking Noah, getting up and down, and waking up extremely cranky and loud in his lamentations about how rough his life is. And just generally complaining whenever he didn't get exactly what he wanted.

The Ugly

Trying to rock Blaise when it seemed every.single.person wanted to walk up and down the aisle.

The flight attendants on Egypt Air were generally unhelpful and disinterested in what would appear to be their jobs. They closed off the back so I had nowhere to stand with Blaise other than in the aisle that everyone wanted to walk up and down.

Egypt Air {at least the four flights we were on} don't have tv's on the backs of the seats. This was a bit disappointing for the boys, but thankfully Jamie's iPad and computer lasted the flights. I probably couldn't have watched anything if I wanted to.

Our flight from Malaga to Barcelona {the same one where I was stuck in between two business men} was ROUGH. Blaise was fussy. As I was nursing him on the way up, I felt/heard him fill his diaper. So after he was done and the seat belt sign went off, I got up to change him in the bathroom. But as I got there, but flight attendant said someone was in there and I had to wait. Behind the curtain. Unfortunately I was carrying Blaise in a way that he was looking over my shoulder. And he totally spit up on the man sitting in the first row. I was utterly humiliated. Thankfully he {the man, not Blaise. Blaise was oblivious to it all.} was really good about it. And then Jude screamed the whole descent into Barcelona. And peed his pants. Oh yes. That was not a very good flight.

On the flight with all the highschoolers I had to put my finished tray of food on the ground because there were no flight attendants nearby. One of the Egyptian students came by and step on/kicked the tray and leftover food went everywhere. She got a pissed off look on her face and loudly said something to me in Arabic. I was livid, but politely said I was sorry. I think she was surprised that I either wasn't Egyptian or didn't get all up in arms at her. Either way, she backed off, but I was almost at my wits' end by that point.

Losing Bunny somewhere along the leg of Cairo to Barcelona. {He's doing a lot better, by the way. Last night Noah gave him his Pooh bear to sleep with and that worked wonders in settling Jude to sleep right away. When I found out, my heart melted to hear of Noah's compassion. My sweet boy.}

Because our flight from Barcelona to Cairo got changed twice {once because it got cancelled and then another time due to the unrest in Egypt and our layover was 24 hours. So we extended our stay in Barcelona so that we'd only have 2 hours in the airport in Cairo} our tickets were a bit bonkers in the system and it took forever to check in. We were literally "those people" who hold up the plane and are the last to rush in and haphazardly get settled. The boys were exhausted and bored and antsy waiting to check in. Great start to 12 hours of travelling ahead.

I guess in the end we survived. And overall we did okay. But it goes without saying that I'm not so much a fan of traveling with little kids. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. And it certainly makes coming back home extremely appealing. Even if it's stinkin' hot out. 

Some "take home points":

- if you are taking two long flights somewhere, it makes things easier to stay at least one overnight in the country you're flying through to break things up.

- if your kids have trouble keeping underpants dry or use a diaper at night and you're crossing time zones, PUT THEM IN A PULL-UP. I cannot stress this one. The only flight I didn't put Jude in a pull-up for, he peed his pants. And of course, they always have to go when the seat belt sign is on. Of course.

- for me, it's worth it to fly with a more expensive airline that has more kid-friendly food {the boys at nothing by snacks I brought and the buns that came with the meals} and tv's on the back of the seats. 

- I'd personally prefer not to have to get up in the middle of the night or too early to make a flight. Evening flights or daytime flights are best. No rush. And everyone's less cranky.

- snacks and special treats on the flight are not to be underestimated. It's fun for everyone and makes things more enjoyable.

What are your tricks, tips and experience with flying with young kids?

on not being "here" forever

i don't really like griping and groaning on my blog. but perhaps that's why i've been so scarce around here lately. jamie and i feel like we're running on empty and while we know it's just for a time, blaise is wearing us down. barely napping at all during the day, doing decently at night, but it really depends - sometimes the nights are bad too. and then we've got two older ones who have had far too much screen time and seem to constantly need us to entertain them or they're at each others' throats.

needless to say, life is not super easy or fun at the moment. not that i expect it to, but it's sometimes hard to be stuck at home in a country with very little support and no family nearby. i know this phase will pass. i know it will. but that doesn't make the here and now any easier.

God is still good. and good to us. i know He hasn't left us and He gives us daily mercies as we fail daily at this whole parenting/missionary/life thing. He gives us good things and we are thankful. and Christmas was actually quite lovely. full and tiring, but good. not stressful.

my friend kelly was over yesterday and i was sharing some things i've been reflecting on lately. it was good to know my brain isn't completely mushy and that i am taking time {when i'm rocking blaise for the fiftieth time} to process and reflect on my life here and this past year as well as think about what 2013 will look like for us. to know that we won't always be in this stage. to know that the future holds good things for us and while the future won't be free of difficulties or hardships, it's nice to know in my heart that even though i feel worn thin and physically exhausted, i'm not going to be here forever. i'm not going to be in kampala forever. i'm not going to be in this phase forever. i'm not going to be a mom to little boys forever. i'm not going to be on earth forever. it all passes.

i don't say all this to receive sympathy or pity. i know i'm not alone. i'm not despondent. i'm thankfully not experiencing PPD this time around. and i know we'll be into a new phase of life soon enough and that this time won't be our lives for forever. but if you're feeling this way, please know that you're not alone either. the trenches of life {whether you are married and have kids or are single or whatever your situation} can feel really deep and cold and sludgy with mud sometimes. but we're not here forever. life is forever changing. and then it's done. i guess that's why they say, "carpe diem"!

in the meantime, Lord give me strength...

life, lately

to be honest, i'm tired. i feel like that's been my standard answer now for oh...2.5 months now? good. but tired. 

half of the advent activities we've supposed to do haven't happened. 

i've missed out completely on most of the advent stories/readings that jamie does with the boys because i'm putting blaise to bed. 

noah struggled with his temper yesterday. 

jude peed in his pants four times. 

blaise screamed no matter what i did. 

i'm not complaining, but i do want to be honest here. because i never want to come across as a "super mom" or someone who seems to have it all together on this blog or in real life. i think there's enough out there that compels us to compare ourselves. at least it's something that i struggle with. every.single.day. 

so let's keep it real, shall we folks?

it's amazing, though, the third time around how my perspective is so different. jamie came into the kitchen today as i was making tortillas {yay for a dinner that everyone will eat!} with a fussy blaise in his arms and said, "this shall not pass." jokingly, of course. because we both know this time around how quickly this time actually does pass by us. pretty soon he'll be crawling and shoving noah's rogue lego pieces into his mouth and mauling jude with his drool. 

jamie and i are behind on our advent readings and despite my best intentions, it's after 11pm and i'm still up. 

there are hard things and hard times in everyone's lives. but there are also good things.

such as...

us investing into a new friendship with another couple here and also getting some free baby stuff - yay for a crib for blaise that's not a lumpy, bumpy pack 'n play mattress! 

homemade peppermint patties. lots of work {and a recipe i won't try again with kids running around me} but oh so delicious straight out of the freezer. because ya know, it's too warm around here to keep it out. hard life, i know. 

a date at the movies with my hubs who generously holds and rocks mr. fussypants by the entrance way so i can watch the movie and not miss out. {skyfall was awesome, by the way!}

taco night. 'nuff said.

grace spoken to my heart and patience amidst frustrating circumstances.

so let's not kid ourselves; life is hard sometimes. and sucky. but also? so good.

a gobblety goop of things

it's been a good week. but it hasn't been an easy week.

we're currently experimenting with not swaddling blaise for his naps. he sleeps no better, but no worse. we'll see how it goes.

blaise got his 2 month immunizations on tuesday. he's been a bit irritable during the days. thankfully still sleeping really well at night.
i'm tired. and most days i feel like i fail more than i succeed. but there's grace. and strength.
i'm feeling a bit lonely and missing face-to-face conversations with people who know me and love me and understand me. but there's grace. and strength.

i had a bit of an ache in my heart the other day as we drove the streets of kampala. i was thinking about how i'll miss living here when we leave. i'm very much excited for the day we return to canada, but right now? kampala is home for us. and there are many things i'll miss about living here. {noah remarked to me almost seconds after i thought this that he is glad we're moving back to canada because the streets are bigger and don't have pot holes. yeah. that'll be nice.}

i crocheted a scarf. it's incredibly soft and thick. and warm. much too warm for here. but i'm saving it for when we go to spain in january.
you can find the pattern here.

i haven't exercised all week {tired much?} and i've been scarfing down chocolate. holding crying babies makes me crave chocolate.

jamie challenged me/us to watch all our christmas movies this year. we figured out that we have 22. so far we've watched five.

our tree is up. the stockings are hung. we're listening to christmas music. and i'm loving watching the boys act out the christmas story with their little people nativity set. the other day i heard noah yelling at jude: LET US IN! WE NEED A ROOM!!! LET US IN OR I'LL PUNCH YOU!
i looked over and found that he was holding mary and joseph and jude was holding one of the wise men. i think maybe he was supposed to be the innkeeper. i'm not quite sure that's how it all went down, but i like jospeh's protective and assertiveness.

a wasp flew into our living room the other day. as it was flying around, it got stuck in a spider's web. i have never seen a daddy long legs {or whatever this african equivalent is called} move so quickly! seriously. the spider was on that wasp so fast. but the wasp got free and we eventually "swooshed" it outside again.

i would like to sleep for the entire weekend. but that's not going to happen.
there are so many good things in my life. but life is not always easy. no matter your stage in life or where you live.
wishing you a wonderful weekend! {and a happy thanksgiving to all my american friends and readers!}

things i'm loving lately

we're slowly getting into some semblance of a routine. blaise only woke up once last night to eat at 3:45am and then slept 'til 7:30am. glorious. absolutely glorious. he's getting better at going down for his naps, but we're still working on it.
i've been baking lots more and crocheting and am currently on the hunt {which likely means i'll just ask my mom to send me some} yarn that's in the colours of angry birds which i can hopefully crochet for christmas for the boys.
we've sorta scrapped the "screen time tickets" for now, but we do only let the boys have 30 minutes on the iPad at a time. {noah would literally play all.day.long.}

anyway, i thought i'd share with you a few lovely things that i'm loving these days.

chocolate. all things chocolate. i hit this phase every time i have kids. i mean, i love chocolate in general, but this is intense. it comes on strong at the 2 month mark post-partum. i could just eat bar after bar after bar of chocolate {and i have. but not every day.}. it's ridiculous and i'm trying to curb it. but right now i'm currently loving snickers and twix. chocolate and caramel-y goodness. *drool*

lullabies. even if you don't have babies or young kids {or kids at all} get this album. re-done hymns speaking God's truth and peace to your heart. so lovely. {i absolutely love Page CXVI and would recommend all of their albums for anyone who loves hymns.}

i finally got into angry birds. it took angry birds star wars to do it for me. i think it's cute. and i secretly try and beat all of noah's high scores when i play but man! the kid is shockingly good! an addicting game made even better by using one of the best movie series of all time.

i downloaded this book to my kindle a couple weeks ago when someone posted on facebook that it was free. i thought, why not? a free book on parenting couldn't hurt and if i don't like it, i'll just delete it.
i have thoroughly enjoyed this book so far {not quite finished}. as i've entered this new phase of parenting three little boys, jamie and i have been reflecting on parenting and what life was like before kids and how things have changed since. benjamin kearns is funny and speaks frankly while also communicating some powerful truths about parenting and God's desire to refine and shape us as parents. it's not free anymore, but it is only $2.99. well worth it, i'd say.

i'm still loving the homemade graham crackers i posted about last week {just took a batch out of the oven minutes ago. the house smells lovely!}. i'm itching to pull out our christmas decorations out and get started, but that will have to wait until this weekend.
and speaking of christmas, i'm hoping to post a few entries on some of our favourite christmas things. stay tuned for more!

happy wednesday!

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: love

this is the final entry in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
click on the links to read part one, part two, part three and part four.

becoming a mom helped me to see the selfish idea of love that i had. sure i was married. sure jamie and i had dated for 4 years {plus 10 months being engaged}. but having kids and becoming a mom opened my eyes to my shallow definition of love. jamie and i had sailed through our first couple years of marriage with relative ease. sure we had fights, but we probably would have had even less if i had learned to really love and put his needs before my own.

but becoming a mother taught me about how to 

love.

i remember sitting at a dinner table with a close friend of mine and watching her give up her strawberries from her salad for her son who loved {at that time} all fruit and vegetables that were red. i understood, but i couldn't imagine gladly giving up a fruit that was one of my favourites. {so immature, right?}

just today i have wiped two different children's bums and also picked up a large turd off the floor and deposited into the toilet {where it belongs}. 

i probably got 5-6 hours of sleep last night. and the littlest little is screaming his heart out in rejection of his nap. that he very much needs right now. {that i very much need him to take.}

i have listened to many a children's cd that i can't stand because it brings them happiness.

today is jamie's birthday and i managed to scrap together a slice of banana bread and vanilla earl grey tea for his birthday breakfast this morning. {he was very gracious and gladly accepted.}

i repeat myself over and over and over again as i attempt to teach my boys how to speak politely to grown-ups. 

i pray for my boys - for who they are. for who i hope they will be. 

i have devoured dozens of books on parenting. 

i have read the same bedtime story for months in a row.

their loves and passions have become mine. their accomplishments are exciting and joy-filling to participate in with them.

i have devoted countless hours discussing with friends about parenting challenges and issues with my kids. 

in learning to love these little boys, i have already gained a wider understanding of what it means to love my husband. it's hard. we have not so easily sailed through these last 5 years. no sir. i have learned what is meant by the saying "marriage is work". it is. but although our lives are so different now and sometimes we reminisce what it was like before we had kids, i wouldn't change a thing. having kids has deepened our love for each other and strengthened our marriage. 

love doesn't always mean giving my kids what they want, but it does mean that i'd gladly give them something that i used to selfishly keep to myself. whether it's a strawberry or my time...i'm learning to love with a more selfless, Christ-like love. 

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: slow down

part four in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here, part two here and part three here.


this has been a lesson i've whole-heartedly engaged in over this past year.

slow down.

i'm going to be honest here. we lead a pretty slow life here. some would call it boring. heck, some days i would call it boring. we {the kids and i} don't often leave the house. we don't have preschool or kindergarten to go to. we don't do extracurricular activities and have struggled to find a church to belong to. there are no sidewalks here and walking along the road you're likely to get side-swiped by a taxi {public transit-type van} or a bodaboda {motorcycle}. there aren't public libraries or swimming pools here. we have nothing we're obligated to attend here and for awhile it felt wrong to be so unencumbered by programs or places. 
but then i thought about it for a moment and realized it was a gift. i will never have time like this again with my children. my children will never again be this age and giving me all of their time. every single minute of every single day is spent soaking up time with me. to some this might sound like a death sentence, but i've chosen to see it as a gift and a blessing. i always wanted to be a mom. i wanted to stay at home and raise my kids and right now? now i get to. 
it's amazing to me that noah is 5 and jude is 3 and blaise? he's 6 weeks old as of today! 

i've learned {and am continuing to learn} the beauty and value in slowing down. living in the moment. time goes by fast enough without me wishing for the next stage. how sad it would be for me to blink and realize that i'm 75 years old and i've spent my entire life wishing for time to go by faster so i can get to "insert a time in the future here". there is beauty in the here and now with my children. 

the long, lanky legs of my 5 year old, racing up and down our driveway. 
the hilarious "hey wait" that jude says every other sentence.
the sweet coos from blaise as he makes eye contact with me.

these are the moments that disappear before i can appreciate where i am if i'm always looking for what's coming up next.

i am tired and sleep deprived and sometimes short on patience, but this time is short and it will pass and i will have difficulty remembering the harder moments. all i will remember will be the sweet moments of sitting with jude on my lap at the table as we draw pictures together and giggle at the way jude calls a scarf a "scarft". the moments where noah throws his arm around jamie as they sit together on the couch. the moments of holding a sweetly sleeping baby who sighs and smiles in his sleep. these are the ones i want to remember and soak up.

so i am learning to slow down. in fact, this one lesson has been so incredibly valuable and precious to me that i already have small fears creeping in about returning to canada and the fast pace of life that i will encounter and undoubtedly struggle with. but that will be another lesson to be learned. all in good time, right?

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: trust your instinct

part three in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here and part two here.


the panic and anxiety inside me was building up. i felt sweaty and a bit frantic. i ripped into the last few remaining presents with gusto while pasting an attempt at a calm smile on my face.

it's okay. he's fine. i'll go get him in just a second. i don't want to keep you all here any longer.

i could hear noah's cries start to get more and more frenzied and my heart beat just a little bit faster. my palms were sweaty. finally at their urging i got up from my present-opening and went and got my baby from the upstairs and after a quick feed and an attempt at calming both of us down, i came back out to the baby shower. my baby shower.
this was supposed to be happy and joyous and exciting. all these women were here to celebrate the birth of my first child. so then why did i feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours?
after the last of the women left i did go back upstairs into my parents' bedroom and cry and cry.

so i had post partum depression after noah was born. the mad torrent of emotions and hormones swirling around inside of me combined with unrealistic expectations and a head full of knowledge of how things should be {plus the sleep deprivation of having a newborn} led to me feeling confused, desperate and unhappy.

i am a knowledge specialist by nature. that is to say, when i'm interested in something i will google the heck out of it, borrow books from friends, the library and ask anyone and everyone who will answer me on that subject. i did this when i was pregnant with noah. i read about pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenting philosophies. i think there is a value to gaining insight and looking into things you're not sure about, but in this case i forgot one major part of parenting;

trust your instinct.

i forgot to trust my natural gut feeling as a new mother. i just read the books and thought everything would fall into place accordingly. so when things didn't turn out and i had a screaming baby and my hormones were screaming just as loudly i fell apart. 
after about 3 months of feeling antisocial and unhappy and constantly on edge and worrying about if the baby would start crying again, the clouds lifted and my hormones leveled out somewhat. i decided to implement a routine and things started to become more manageable.

but when noah turned 6 months, we were on a plane to tanzania, africa for two months. this was a huge step of faith for me, but it turned out to be one of the most valuable parenting experiences for me. internet wasn't readily available. i didn't have my friends with me to ask my questions. all i had was me. so i learned to trust my instinct. i learned not to be so rigid in my expectations. i learned the value in having a routine, but not being a schedule-nazi and that diverting from our usual routine every now and then wasn't the end of the world. 
i learned to trust that i was a good mother for noah and that i could trust my instinct to hold him or to let him cry, to keep him up or breastfeed him to sleep. 

noah on safari in tanzania

me on the carrick-a-rede rope bridge in northern ireland with noah. this thing freaked me out. 

as noah has grown and i've had two other babies since then, i've been a lot more easy-going {like i thought i would be from the very beginning!} and i've really learned to just go with the flow. i've listened to my gut on things like whether or not we needed to take noah to the hospital for a dislocated elbow {before we knew what it was, of course}. i've trusted my instinct on delaying potty training, giving up on cloth diapering and moving our family to uganda. 
there are countless stories from other moms who have regretted not trusting their instinct about different things concerning their child's development. there are also countless stories about moms who have trusted their instinct and pushed for answers and were right despite others telling them nothing was wrong. 

my approach now to things is to use a combination of books and resources {including friends and other people} but to think about how their advice/recommendation fits with my child, my children and/or my family. if it's not working for our family as a whole, it's likely not going to work or last for very long.

so if you're a new mom, don't forget to put that book down every now and then and trust what feels right for you and your family. you are the best mom for your child and whether you choose breast or bottle, CIO or co-sleeping, to wait it out with baby tylenol or a trip to the hospital, don't forget to trust your instinct. it's God-given and it's unique to you and your child. 

i think if i could go back and tell PPD vanessa anything, it would be this, from 2 timothy 1:7,

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

as someone who loves Jesus, i know that i have his spirit within me and i can trust that He is guiding me and will give me wisdom in all situations - including parenting!

*as a side note, if you are struggling with PPD, please talk to someone and get some help. it doesn't always clear on its own and feeling unhappy and depressed and desperate isn't normal. here are a few resources to get you started. Post-Partum Support International, PPD/PPA resources

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: let go

part two in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here.


parenting is a funny thing. often it's a balancing act between two things that seem to be at odds with one another.
hold on.

let go.

the boys select rocks to throw into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain

we were sitting in the bus that was taking us back to our hotel in jinja after spending 2 hours cruising the nile. i watched noah as he sat across from me in his own seat. bumping and jostling about with no seat belt down the red dirt roads here in uganda. i never knew what it was to really worry until i had kids. in my head i pictured so many different scenarios in which he could get hurt. i had to bite my tongue so i wouldn't be a broken record,

hold on, buddy. 
please make sure you're being careful. 
sit properly in your seat so you don't get hurt, noah.

i didn't tell him to hold on. or be careful. i just watched him as he looked out the window and pointed out all the things he was seeing. i watched him as he eventually turned around in his seat and his head started to droop. i watched him as he fell asleep about 5 minutes from our hotel. so big. yet so little.

jude wanders off by himself on safari - classic jude

i'm learning to let go. i'm learning not to hold onto my children in fear, but to let go of them and help them develop at every stage they hit. to help them become independent young men who will one day make their own way in the world. i'm learning to teach as i live and let go of the need for perfection in day-to-day activities. to explain to noah what i'm doing as i mix the pancake batter. to let him dump in just a bit too much flour and struggle to stir the thick cookie dough together.

letting go of any hope of a well-cleaned car...

when we decided to come to uganda i had to let go of fears i didn't know i had. i had to let go of fears i was well aware that i had. i can't hold onto my children forever for fear that they will get hurt or experience pain or disappointment. it is in those trials that they develop strong character and become people who will go on to do great things. we are all shaped through pain and trials. if we try to protect our children from all pain and adversity we will end up shriveled and anxious from worry and our children will be coddled and unable to function in the world without us. and having {grown} children who are dependent of us is not the end goal of parenting.

so i let go and in turn help my children to work it out by themselves. not always jumping in to take over. not always nagging and reminding them to "be safe", "be careful", or "watch out". i help my boys to one day become men. i hold onto them, but not in fear. i let go of them in confidence and with encouragement that they can do it and if they fail, that's okay too. because you don't go far in life if you only stick to "safe".
it's not always easy for me to bite my tongue {and often times i don't} and i sometimes get caught up in my "worst case scenarios" in my head, but once again i am given this opportunity to trust God to help me to let go and trust Him with my littles, just as He has entrusted them to me.

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: hold on

in honour of my oldest "baby" turning 5 next week {what?! how did that even happen?}, i was inspired to write about 5 things i've learned since becoming a mom.

hold on

i don't mean that we as parents should hold on in an unhealthy way. i mean hold onto those moments. those fleeting moments that may be your last with them because they've moved on to the next development. breathe in that newborn smell and close your eyes. soak it up. feel the softness of their skin, the pinkness of their feet. cherish the way your toddler wants you and only you for comfort. listen to the stories your 4 year old tells you with such imagination and attention to detail. one day they might not be as forthcoming with their thoughts and stories. hold onto those moments. hold their hands. they might not {and probably won't} want you to hold their hands forever.

blaise gets some "daddy time".

as a first time mom i was really just focusing on surviving those first few months. i had a mild case of post-partum depression and i was in a dark place. i was anxious and paranoid. it was difficult for me to hold onto those moments and yet somehow my memory of noah as a baby is far more vivid than of jude as a baby and probably than my memories of blaise as a baby will be. i'm not sure why that is {although it probably has something to do with not having two older boys to keep busy and take care of}, but i do know that i spent lots of time holding him, rocking him, crying while nursing in the middle of the night {again} and stressing over every little thing. he was my world and i focused nearly all my energies on "keeping him alive" and relishing in his every new development. this is why i smile when i see first time mom's post tons of pictures of their baby's first *insert any "first" that a baby can have* or a 10 minute video waiting for their baby to roll over. they are "holding on" to those moments and they want the world to know about this marvelous new development with "the cutest baby in the world". {because every parent thinks their child is the cutest.}

cuddles with a sick noah

as a third-time mom i am well aware of the fact that this time is precious and will fly by far more quickly than i am prepared for - and not just with blaise, but with my older two boys as well. i will not always have a three and {almost} five year old. jude will not always say "yup" in that quiet, cute way. noah will not always want or need me to read him stories. blaise is growing faster than i thought was possible.

more cuddles with a sick jude

yes, it's hard. yes, it sometimes sucks. yes, it's incredibly sanctifying to be a mother and a parent. there's nothing like a little mirror to show you all the ugliness you never knew you had in you.
God knows that i fail at this every.single.day. but regardless, it's something i've learned and continue to learn.
so hold onto your babies while they are still young. they will never want or need you like they have you now so hold onto it and remind yourself of this every.single.day. on the days when i don't remember what's really important at this stage, it's all-too-easy to get resentful for my lack of "me" time, or the way they always need me or want to tell me something or show me something and want me to play with them or read them a book. it's crazy how quickly i become self-centered when this time is so limited and my children are so precious. what is honestly more important that pouring into my children, spending time with them and teaching them? i can't think of a single thing.

and so in five years as a mama, i've learned the importance of holding on.

3

3 days in to this "mommy-of-three" gig and i'm s l o w l y getting the hang of it.
last night was our best night yet.
and my heart is bursting out of love from this little man who has so easily snuck his way into all our hearts.
there won't be too much action on this blog for a little while, but i do hope to post a couple pictures now and again while i eventually get to blaise's birth story.
so for now, here's a sampling of life these days:

threats and "the game"

threats. they seem to be quite popular in our family these days. and i'm not just talking about coming from the parental units. noah tends to threaten us to "get his way" {which he definitely doesn't when he uses threats, letmetellYOU!}.

if you don't let me have the iPad, i'm going to be really angry and throw this chair.

now we've started cutting him off if he even begins a sentence with a scowl and the words, "if you don't..." by saying, "i'm sorry, noah, but that's not how we talk to each other in this family."
he doesn't like it, and it often makes him angrier {usually}, but it's completely unacceptable to us. so no. we don't threaten.
jude has picked up on the "threat language" and uses it from time to time but our reaction is the same as well.

but jude's game with us is the yes/no game. it often happens around bedtime.
it usually goes a little something like this;

good night, jude. *lean in for a goodnight kiss*

NO KISS! NO HUG! NO!

okay, that's fine.  and we walk away.

seconds later,

I WANT A KISS! I WANT A HUG!

so we lean in to give him a kiss and get,

NO KISS! NO HUG!

so we walk away. and he demands a kiss and and hug again.

once we realized what he was doing, we decided to take him at his first word. i walk away and say good night the first time he rejects it, despite the fact that he wails and screams. and the first few times he obviously lasted longer although he does less so now. oftentimes i'll just move in for a kiss and give him lots of kisses all over his squirmy self as he giggles, but it doesn't mean that he is satisfied. he'll often still demand that he gets to give me a kiss but then falls back into "the game". at least when i walk away, i've still given him kisses. he'll just have to learn to mean what he says. he'll get it. eventually.

the same thing goes for mealtimes. he'll say he's done and get down from the table so i take away his plate and he freaks out at me saying that he wasn't done and he still wants to eat.
he knows now that if he gets down from the table, he's done. plate goes away. that's it.
he still freaks out, but at least we all know where we stand on these issues.

it's still incredibly frustrating and i despise the tantrums that follow, but after reading through this blog, i remembered that we had a rough time with noah when he turned three as well. the three's are rough around here. we just have to suck it up, stick to our word and move forward.

we have our daily {hourly} struggles around here. parenting is by no means easy with these two fantastically smart and spunky boys. just the other day i {temporarily} took away their screen time tickets for the rest of the day due to poor attitudes and meltdowns right after each of them using a ticket. i find i am far more grace-filled but i also find i am praying a lot more for patience and lowered blood pressure because these boys certainly know how to make my blood boil!

on having adventures and being productive too

last week we had a few things we needed to get done as the noon hour {or mid-day as they call it here} hit. they were:
1. take out money from the bank
2. mail a package of pretty ugandan jewelry to my sister in law
3. buy some chapatis {pregnancy craving and the boys love 'em!} to accompany our lunch

so we decided to go on a family adventure into mengo - a nearby area of kampala. we drove and parked at the hospital nearby and first went to get some money.
that was easily accomplished after jamie picked up jude to cross the road and noah tugged at my arm to "RUN!" across the road at the first break in traffic.

next up was to find the mengo "posta" {post office}. we knew generally where it was, but inquired after two more people before we found it. i had to buy a bigger envelope to fit all my goodies in but the posta didn't sell them. nope. it was the little hut just outside the posta that sold everything from pepsi and snacks to airtime for your mobile and envelopes. i bought one for 500 shillings. {2500 shillings = 1 canadian dollar to put it into perspective}.
the package cost 43,000 shillings to mail and i'm hoping my sister in law gets it by mid-september. mail seems to work a lot faster going out of uganda than it does coming in.

finally was the chapatis. jamie knew the area better than i did so he directed us to the line up of little stands selling chapatis, samosas, sodas, airtime and rolex. no. not the watches. a rolex is a local snack that's made up of a chapati rolled up with a fried egg and often some vegetables like onions and tomatoes inside it. it's good. but it's all fried. so i limited myself to one per year. and i've filled that quota already. ha! we picked up 3 chapatis and watched while they were being made. it was sunny and the boys were hot from walking back up the hill from the posta so we bought them a mango juice and the people around laughed and smiled as they drank from 2 straws and literally chugged away the entire bottle while the chapatis were being made.

it was quite the accomplishment for me being pregnant and walking around, but mostly? accomplishing THREE things in just over an hour. seriously. you're lucky if you can accomplish three things in a day around here.

noah was wearing his manchester united jersey {the kid is already a huge fan. he insists on often wearing his jersey two days in a row if he can get away with it.} and the ugandans liked to call out after him, "manchester united!" or "wayne rooney!" {i had to explain to noah that wayne rooney is a player on the man u team. he asked if he was a boy or a man and didn't really seem to understand how they could mistake him for a man. i didn't bother to inform him it's because he's white, has short hair, and a round-ish face.} ugandans generally love kids and will call out "baby!" after them. yes. even my almost 5 year old gets called "baby". jude really doesn't like being called "baby" and at the craft market that we frequent they actually know him as "the big boy" because he has yelled back at them, "i'm NOT a baby, i'm a BIG BOY!".

ugandans here in the city aren't the most friendly right off the bat. often they'll just stare at you. but say "good morning!" or "good afternoon!" to them and watch if their face doesn't light up into a big smile at you. especially if you're pregnant. or have kids. it's not what i thought it would be, but i realized that often if i don't make the first move, then all that happens is me getting stared at and feeling uncomfortable.
so there are similarities. life in the city is life in the city - no matter where you are. whether it's toronto or kampala. if you don't take the initiative to smile and say hello, chances are no one will do the same to you.

so smile and say hello to someone today and you just never know what might happen!

on doing the needful and feeling like a "mom"

that's one of the walls that surrounds our compound.
it's also one of the walls that doesn't have curly barbed wire on top of it.
it's also the one wall that backs onto the guest house behind us.

we had a canadian team come for may & june and at some point most if not all of the team stayed in the guest house. some of our team made friends with people from another short term missions group that were also staying at the guest house.
the last night that our canadian staff team were with us, i looked up and noticed a young guy walking in our yard. a young guy that i didn't know.
eventually i introduced myself as he seemed to know some of our team and found out he was part of the other team staying at the guest house.
i headed off to bed eventually and kept thinking,
i should tell jamie to ask him how he got into our compound, even though i'm fairly certain he hopped over our wall, instead of walking around and using the door at the gate.
then i thought to myself,
no. i'm an adult. this is my house. this is bothering me. i can say something and speak up for what i think is unacceptable. 
so i stepped back into the living room and just asked him,
um, did you come into our yard by the door in the gate, or did you hop over the wall?
he sheepishly admitted that he had hopped over the wall.
so i explained that we have a gate with a door and a night guard for a reason and though it takes a bit more effort, it's our yard and we don't know who's watching as he jumps over our wall and we are the ones who will continue living here after his team has gone and left {it'd also be a shame if our guard shot him with an arrow, thinking that he's a threat to us.}. i told him he was welcome to come over any time, but to please use the gate from now on.

i guess some people just think that the rules and considerations we use in our normal environments don't apply when we're in another country or environment. when would it be acceptable to hop the fence into someone's yard you don't know back in the US or Canada?

anyway, i felt like a real mom in that moment, lecturing the neighbourhood teenager for thoughtless behaviour. it made me chuckle and smile to myself.
it's also what we call here, "doing the needful". doing or saying what needs to be done or said.

have you ever done the needful? is there something that you need to do the needful about? have you had a classic "mom" moment?

kids are people too

so this has been on my mind and heart for the past month or more. so much so that i have a sticky note on my desk top {a virtual one} with some thoughts i've had on this subject.
then today a friend on facebook linked to this article which relates to how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking. {and also brings this whole issue back to my heart and it was a good read. go read it for yourself.}

basically, kids are people too. we need to treat them as such.
yes they are cute. and little. and squishable. but they have feelings. and opinions. and preferences.
now i'm definitely not saying that when a kid prefers to eat candy over vegetables that you should make sure you do a switcheroo and put a plate full of candy in front of them. no sir. but i think the way we speak to our kids {and the way you speak to other people's children - whether you have your own or not} should be respectful and understanding.

i've seen my kids poked, prodded, and picked up against their will while here in uganda. i've seen people get right up in their face and speak loudly and give no time for an answer before asking them another question. loudly. and in their face.

part of this is cultural, but i've also had things happen in canada where my kids are saying "no" and that they are done and the person playing with them thinks it's funny or cute and is not respecting my child's boundaries or request for said activity to finish.
you wouldn't walk up to an adult and pinch their cheeks or twirl them around or tickle them mercilessly and disregard any request for those activities to stop, so how come this is acceptable with our children?
how will they learn that when they say "no", people should listen and respect that if the adults around them don't seem to? or that they should speak up about things that make them feel uncomfortable and take a stand?

one of the realities of living here is being treated like a celebrity.
while we were up north on safari, it seemed like every single staff person at the hotel knew my kids by name and would say hi to them. which was fine. but it was the staff coming up to us during our mealtimes and demanding conversations with my kids and one staff even demanding jude to share his food with him and when jude {understandably} refused, he picked up jude's fork, put it in a potato on my plate and then put it in his mouth. um? no.
it's no wonder that my older son, noah, does not take well to this. he dislikes a lot of attention to begin with {even from people he knows}, and so this has been extremely stretching for him. we've worked hard and role played with him to help him learn that even if he doesn't feel like being someone's best friend, it's still polite to say hello and shake someone's hand. {the shaking hands thing is not even close to happening, but we're still working on it.} we talk through situations, but i completely understand how hard it must be for him.
after our experience at the hotel, it's no wonder he hides his face or gives an angry look at strangers to ward off unwanted attention.

anyway, all i'm saying is, let's treat these little people with respect. just because they're little does not make them less of a person.

agree? disagree? thoughts or advice? i'm all ears!

nonstop flight to crazytown

jamie's in rwanda right now until sunday.

we're coping. there's plenty of hands and people to entertain the boys which makes things heaps easier.

but of course we still miss him. 

this morning we got to skype with him. but skyping with our family wouldn't be right without a gong-show.

in the middle of our conversation, jude yells out,

i peed, mommy! i'm peeing!

he's standing as pee is dribbling down his legs in a cowboy stance.

so i turn to jamie and say, i'll be right back. noah, tell daddy about what we've been doing these past days. thankfully noah obliges.

just then, jude whirls around, steps in his pee, slips and promptly goes flying into the corner of the door.

my first thought, dear God, why do things like this always happen? followed very closely by, dear God, please let him be okay and not need stitches. i turned him around to face me as he wailed and saw that thankfully, the skin wasn't broken, but just read and probably would bruise. whew.

so i got him cleaned up and brought him back {still crying} to the computer and we finished talking to jamie {who was probably reminded of the chaos he left}. 

and just minutes before writing this post, i had a glass on the table beside me that has a slice of lemon and some melted ice cubes left in it and jude was trying to touch my computer and decided to fling his arm about and of course, my glass went flying and broke into pieces on my foot. again, thankfully no blood. 

life is always an adventure with kids. well, at least it is with my kids.