all I have is Christ

Yesterday afternoon our dear friend Andrew finally ended his battle with Leukemia and went to be with Jesus.

I don't have words. I am not a wise person full of insight and poignant words. I can cry and I can bake. And I can listen to this song over and over and over again.



Continue to pray for our friend Suz {Andrew's wife} and her two sons, Jacob and Daniel.

learning to lean

I am not the most spirit-filled person at 6am. Especially when it's 6am and I am changing wet sheets on the top bunk. True story.

I was driving home from my parents' house on Saturday night and all three boys were asleep. At a stop light, I turned around and stared in their sweet, sweet faces as they breathed deeply in absolute peace and relaxation and I felt so blessed. I am blessed. And in that moment, thoughts of wet beds and early mornings are about the farthest things from my mind.

But then 11:30pm comes and Jude throws up all over himself. And it's sheet-changing time again. But we get through it. And both boys {Noah had a fever} napped on and off all day on Sunday and today woke up feeling well enough to fight with each other so I sent them both to school. Also a true story. 

Last week while I was sick, Jamie took Blaise and Jude {on his non-school day} to the Y in the mornings and one morning, Jamie came to pick up Blaise and he was on the other side of the play area, away from the other kids. The childcare worker handed Blaise to Jamie and said, 

So Blaise had some difficulties this morning with other children.
He was hitting children.

On the head.

With a book.

Oh my. I laughed out loud when I heard this but not out of pride {of course I'm not proud} but it's just what it is. Poor kid has learned to hit from his older brother and is doing what he knows. So we're continually emphasizing his need to be gentle and not to hit. When we were out for dinner last week, Blaise was getting rough with Noah as he was grabbing Noah's arm and pinching him so I said, 

Blaise, be gentle. Gentle touches.

Blaise looked at me and then looked at Noah and embraced his arm and gently stroked it. Again, I laughed. He's a smart cookie and he knows. So we'll keep working on it, but it's good to know that he's learning to be gentle and understands how to do it.

And today after a wicked spin class at the Y I picked Blaise up and they said that instead of throwing a ball at the baby's head {!}, he waved instead. Progress indeed!

Right now I'm sitting in a very quiet house. Blaise is asleep. The boys are at school. I'm munching on sugar snap peas and hummus {I'm trying to be good although I totally sabotaged myself by buying a bag of peanut butter cups. Sigh.} and it's so quiet that I'm tempted to put some music on. But then I stop and just embrace the quiet. There is so little quiet in my life that I need to soak it up and remember what quiet feels like.
Today the wind is blowing and it's a winter wonderland out there. I am thankful for a home with heat and hot showers. I am thankful for a good school for my kids and a fridge with yummy food in it. I am thankful for parents who come and spend the day with us on Sunday to help keep the crazies at bay. I am thankful for Jude and his sweet heart that I see tuned towards Jesus, especially in prayers like this, "And thank you God for sending Jesus as a baby and that He died on the cross so I didn't have to die." Such a gem. Such sweetness in my heart.
Even though I am missing Jamie, I am learning how to lean even more heavily upon Jesus and His people.

December THREE {on the fourth}

I've been dog sick for the last two days. It's kinda weird, actually because I wasn't hugely congested although that was part of it, it was mostly a brutal migraine that made me want to pass out and throw up all at the same time. So that was fun.
But I'm so over-the-moon thankful for my husband who happened to have this week off. And although shuttling around kids and cleaning wasn't his idea of how we'd spend this week together, it was exactly what I needed. Because if I'm going to get sick, let it be now when he's around! He flies to Tanzania on Friday and it's just me and the kiddos for the next 10 days.

Oh yes. These three crazies. Jude had a complete meltdown tonight when we had our friend Trevor {who we lived with for our first year in Uganda} over for dinner. He refused to come down and ended up going to bed without dinner because he just didn't want to come and see Trevor. I felt bad for both of them, but I think Jude was just tired after another long day of school. These long days really tire him out! Hopefully the early bedtime will mean a more rested {and happy} kiddo for me tomorrow.

You can see Blaise & Jude really enjoying the window stickies. That was yesterday's advent activity. Simple, yet enjoyable. Today's {paper snowflakes} just didn't happen. Oh well. Tomorrow I am excited to teach them about St. Nicholas and leave out their shoes at night and see what happens {a chocolate coin in the morning!}. There seems to be confusion about Santa around our house these days. They know he's not real but sometimes liken him to God because they can't see either. So what's the difference?
I tried explaining it to Noah tonight and talked about how if God doesn't exist then we've wasted our lives ambition and especially the last two years in Uganda. Persistence in teaching what is true and consistency with how we live our lives as parents I think is key in guiding our children and teaching them God's Word. The rest is prayer and the mercy of God.

I've been a bit emotional these days and I'm sure there are many contributing factors but I am trying to be more introspective and as I listened in to Jamie explaining communion to Jude in church this past weekend, I almost burst into tears as the sacrifice that Jesus made was revealed in a fresh way to me. Skin and bones and blood, just like my little Jude sitting on the chair next to me. And for me He died! Gratitude overwhelms my heart and the tears spill over.

I love these kids. My heart yearns for them to love Jesus and know Him as I do. Some days I feel like I'm not doing them any favours by planning fun little advent activities. I should be reading the Bible more to them. I should be seizing more opportunities to explain the gospel to them. I should pray more for them. I should pray more with them.

I am never going to be a perfect mother. I was never meant to be. Again, thankfulness overwhelms that I don't have to be perfect. Jesus already did that.

He's so good. Every time. All the time.

every month I {try to} take pictures of my boys on the third. see past months here. 

weekend links! {Canadian version 1.0}

Weekend links are back, folks!

Blaise's hat / Joe Fresh {bought in store}

The tree is up, the candles are burning, some presents are even wrapped! I have not started any Christmas baking but in an attempt to curb my sugar intake, I'll only be baking for specific events and not to stock up and just have lying around our house. But I'll for sure be making the ever-favourited Cheese Stars. Other than that, I'm not too sure. Definitely some sort of shortbread, possibly a Vanilla Bean Shortbread since I still have tons of vanilla beans from Uganda. I'm on a charcuterie/cheese platter kick right now so it'll be lots of lovely cheeses and fruit and yummy crackers {like these} and meats that I'll be bringing/putting out for different events.

Advent envelopes are assembled and our first activity on Sunday will be to make bird feeders. We have this lovely bush in our backyard that tons of tiny little birds love to gather and sit upon so I'm hoping it'll be the perfect addition and a nice treat for those sweet little guys. There are also three squirrels {two black and one grey/brown} and a chipmunk that like to terrorize each other and the neighbourhood so I'm kinda looking forward to seeing what they'll do with the feeders. So anyway, I dug up an old Weekend Link from last year because I had remembered posting this sweet tutorial on making your own bird seed hanging. We'll be following from this one and possibly making this one too. Stay tuned for pictures on the outcome!

Finding your way through the commercialism and loud materialism during the Christmas season is not easy or pretty. I know in my own heart I yearn for simplicity and a sweet, simple focus and anticipation of the return of Jesus and the celebration of His birth. And yet I am a walking contradiction because my heart also longs for all the pretty things in all the stores, sparkling and gold and white and oh! How I want it all. And so my friend Kelly posted this exact same thing on being torn between the two things this season and how ultimately we want Jesus and we want our lives to reflect Him. I also found this post helpful with 5 things we can choose to do with our families during Advent to help us eagerly anticipate Jesus' birth.

My friend Barb blogs about the lost art of letter writing and all things relating to it. {You can check out her blog here.} This relates in that I bought a little something special and exciting - a personalized return address stamp for all our Christmas cards {and other letters and cards we send throughout the year}. It's lovely and it makes me happy. You can check out tons of designs on Etsy but the one I bought was this one. And it's on sale today!

Happy first weekend of Advent, everyone!

settling and preparing

It seems as though we are finally settling into a bit of a routine and it seems to be working. The boys are doing well at school and I'm finally getting in some exercise at the Y {now that Blaise has dropped the morning nap gloryhallelujah}. Jamie and I are getting out every now and then and the Christmas and Advent preparations are in full-swing.

I'll be doing Advent envelopes with the boys again and I'm looking forward to continuing that tradition with them. We'll also be reading the first bit of Luke 2 every day with the boys and you better believe that the Christmas music will be playing non-stop. {Have you heard that Page CXVI is putting out an Advent album? It releases on December 3rd! Get your copy here!}



I have so many hopes and dreams and things I want to do but I'm striving for simplicity. So some things will have to wait. All good things. But sometimes the best things are few. Refined and focused and lovely and soul-refreshing. So we will do a few of the best things and wait and anticipate celebrating Jesus' birth here in Canada. Surrounded by family and friends in the snow and cold with slippers and hot chocolate, winter coats and boots, church and neighbours and candles and sparkly Christmas trees. I am embracing Christmas and winter and choosing to love each and every moment of it {even when it's so cold that tears stream down my face. *sob*}

my provider

The days are going by and my mind is nonstop thinking, thinking, thinking.

Two nights ago I lay in bed designing cupcakes, thinking up flavour combinations and dreaming of opening up my own bakery.

Today I emailed the school board we'll be putting our boys in, our old doctor's office, a real estate agent and a financial adviser in Canada.

I've been frequenting sites such as Kijiji {like Craigslist for my American friends} and mls.ca looking at furniture and houses.

I make lists in my head of things to do here, people to contact, information to acquire. {I really need to write these down. My brain is useless for actually holding onto information.}

I am googling resources on transition. I am looking up flights and packing restrictions.

I am pinning places to go, things to do, tips and tricks and recipes and DIYs that I want to do in Canada.

I think and I dream and I plan and I pray.
I'm here, but my mind is all-too-quickly going there. And I don't think it's a bad thing. Because all-too-quickly it will be my body going there too.
It's not that I'm unhappy here or anxiously counting down the days until we can leave this place. Because I'm not. I have loved these past two {just under by the time we leave} years here. I will miss this house, this city, this country. There are things that I look forward to in Canada, but there are things I know will drive me crazy, too.

But the transition from and preparation to leave Kampala has begun.

If there's one thing I have {re}learned while living here, it's that God knows. He is in control. So while I think and plan and research, I have not worried. In fact, I am excited to find out what He's got for us in Canada. What house we'll live in, where the boys will go to school, who we'll live "close" to. All these things and more, He already knows and they are good. He will meet our needs. He will take care of us and comfort us and be our Rock and lead us into adventures with Him as we learn {again} how to live like Canadians in Canada.

It's a daily reminder to my heart. God knows. He sees. He loves. He IS Love. He will provide.
Jehovah Jireh.

on staying tenderhearted

To my oldest child, my firstborn son, Noah,

I wanted to write this down so I don't forget.

Please stay tenderhearted. Don't let this world crush you and make you cynical. Don't be overcome by your disappointment and anger when you don't get your way.

You are so sweet. And you love your brothers. So very much. I pray it only strengthens as the years go by.

The other day you walked into my room with a bit of an attitude. And then you saw that Blaise was awake and playing and you went right over and started talking your baby talk and letting him claw your face and grab your fingers. You absolutely adore your baby brother. And the feeling is most definitely mutual.

Later in the evening when Jude was running laps up and down the hill as a form of his discipline for being too rough {for the millionth time} with Blaise, you decided you would join Jude, even though you weren't being disciplined. You did it together with Jude and I melted a little {okay, a lot} at your compassion for your brothers.

I pray that God keeps your heart soft and tender and compassionate toward others.
Two thousand years ago, love changed the world. I pray that one day you will know that love and let Him change you and teach you how to love above and beyond your natural inclinations. Because He's created you fearfully and wonderfully. Know that. Believe that.

I love you fiercely,

Mama.

a stripping away

We have less than 4 months left in Uganda before moving back to Canada.
LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS.

Since we've been back from Spain we've all been brutally sick.
We've had a really crappy water situation.
We've had rotten power and were without for over 3 days straight.
We've had bedbugs and "African B.O.".
Blaise is adorable as ever, but I'm waking up at least 3 or 4 times a night still with him. Colour me sleep deprived.

and I've gone off sugar.

I feel like all the things I usually go to are being stripped away.
A nice shower before bed to wash off the sweat and dirt and grime of the day? Nope.
An internet connection or even battery on my computer/phone to connect with friends and family? Nope.
A lovely chocolate bar in a particularly stressful moment of the day? Nope. {Although this is my own doing.}
The feeling of being safe from critters, even in your own bed? Nope.
A solid 5+ hours of consecutive {or total} sleep? Nope.

God is stripping these things away from me. He is not done with me even though I only have 4 more months left in Uganda. I know that He still has much for me. I often reflect and think, Have I even changed? Is my life different because I moved to Uganda for two years? Do I love Jesus more than I did 2 years ago?

I feel like a small child. Slow to listen. Slow to learn. I feel gratitude for the patience and mercy of God toward me.

Because He continues to say to me, Come to ME. Rest in ME. Find your solace and your comfort in ME. Those other things may be good, but they won't last like I do. Come to me, sweet child. I will give you rest.

I have changed, but it is not of my own doing. It is all Jesus. Alive in me. Isn't that absolutely mind-blowing? Stop and think about it. Jesus. Is alive. In me. It is Him working to change my character into someone who is more gracious and generous. Someone who loves more, gives more, serves more joyfully.

I also feel like Jesus is helping me reroute my attention back to my family. Like I'm coming full circle to where I began when we first moved here. I have my three amazing, precious boys. Shut the laptop. Walk away from the iPad. Get down on the ground and play cars or Lego. Get the puppets out. Climb a tree. Make a craft. DANCE PARTY!

So there is a stripping away that continues in my life. I pray that when we move back to Canada, I continue to be changed. Even when it's hard and painful and the stripping away just plain sucks. Because I don't want to look back in another two years and wonder, Have I even changed/grown at all? Do I love Jesus more now than I did two year ago?

going

So thankful to have our passports and to those who prayed! And now to finish packing...

our christmas favourites: traditions

the other day i remarked to jamie how excited i was when i was a kid to open my chocolate advent calendar each day. then we discussed {as adults do} how much better and thicker and bigger the chocolates used to be {in the good ole days}.
we didn't have them last year for the boys {as they don't sell them here}, but some friends sent us some this year so the boys get to participate in the "chocolate-after-breakfast" tradition of the chocolate advent calendar.
but what does advent mean? and is eating a tiny piece of cheap chocolate the extent of which we want to teach our kids about it?

this year we're doing some of the same things we started last year. you can check out the books and resources we use in this blog post.

i also found a fantastic guide to reading your way through advent using one of our favourites, the jesus storybook bible. you can find that reading guide here. {i think we might do this next year as the storybook bible is one of our favourites.}

we're doing our advent envelopes again and so far we've opened some new {to us} christmas books {thanks, mom!}, purchased a new nativity set from the craft market, decorated gingerbread cookies and so many other things - i have to admit, though, i'm behind on filling the envelopes and we've been switching around different activities depending on the day. such is life with three little guys.

the boys having a picnic in front of the tree!

i also was ambitious and bought the truth in the tinsel ebook and while i don't think we'll get around to doing a craft every single day, it's good to have the resource for this year and years to come. check out the truth in the tinsel here on their website or on facebook.

we'll keep up our tradition of a daily reading of luke 2 with the boys - i've seen and heard how they can memorize ridiculous conversations from movies and songs, so it's my hope that perhaps they can memorize this small part of luke 2 as we read it to them every day for the month of december. noah can already say the first 7 verses with a bit of prompting.

i always had a tradition of opening up one present on christmas eve and it was always a new pair of pajamas. we'll be keeping this tradition with our boys {this year they'll get batman pajamas!}. who doesn't love new pajamas?

and when talking traditions, you can't forget food! i've compiled my list of holiday baking that i'd like to do. there are about 13 recipes. we'll see how far i get. so far i've made gingerbread cookies {and decorated them this morning}, lemon-pecan shortbread, chocolate gingerbread drops, peppermint patties and earl grey tea and jam cookies. left to make are still almond biscotti, cheese stars, layered fudge, buckeye bark, cran-crazy cookies, chewy molasses spice cookies, christmas sandies and chocolate crinkles. whew!

this year will be our first year doing a birthday cake for jesus on christmas morning. i haven't figured out what  i'll use for the "cake", but i am thinking something like some sort of coffee cake or loaf. we'll have candles and sing happy birthday and everything. i think the boys will like it and it will help us all to focus on who christmas is really all about.

jamie and i have been going through the free advent devotional put out by desiring god. we're only 1 day behind now, but so far it's been a great selection of thought-provoking short articles by john piper.

anyway, so we have lots of traditions and more that i'm sure we'll develop over the years but for now i'm trying to soak up these moments of the here and now. when i'm missing out on watching national lampoon's christmas vacation because i'm rocking blaise to sleep in the other room. when i've got two little boys who insist on fighting with each other or giving me some sass. trying my utmost to lean into HIM and show them the grace and love that i've so freely been shown.

what are some of your traditions? how do you embrace the messy while still enjoying the wonder and anticipation of it all?

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: trust your instinct

part three in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here and part two here.


the panic and anxiety inside me was building up. i felt sweaty and a bit frantic. i ripped into the last few remaining presents with gusto while pasting an attempt at a calm smile on my face.

it's okay. he's fine. i'll go get him in just a second. i don't want to keep you all here any longer.

i could hear noah's cries start to get more and more frenzied and my heart beat just a little bit faster. my palms were sweaty. finally at their urging i got up from my present-opening and went and got my baby from the upstairs and after a quick feed and an attempt at calming both of us down, i came back out to the baby shower. my baby shower.
this was supposed to be happy and joyous and exciting. all these women were here to celebrate the birth of my first child. so then why did i feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours?
after the last of the women left i did go back upstairs into my parents' bedroom and cry and cry.

so i had post partum depression after noah was born. the mad torrent of emotions and hormones swirling around inside of me combined with unrealistic expectations and a head full of knowledge of how things should be {plus the sleep deprivation of having a newborn} led to me feeling confused, desperate and unhappy.

i am a knowledge specialist by nature. that is to say, when i'm interested in something i will google the heck out of it, borrow books from friends, the library and ask anyone and everyone who will answer me on that subject. i did this when i was pregnant with noah. i read about pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenting philosophies. i think there is a value to gaining insight and looking into things you're not sure about, but in this case i forgot one major part of parenting;

trust your instinct.

i forgot to trust my natural gut feeling as a new mother. i just read the books and thought everything would fall into place accordingly. so when things didn't turn out and i had a screaming baby and my hormones were screaming just as loudly i fell apart. 
after about 3 months of feeling antisocial and unhappy and constantly on edge and worrying about if the baby would start crying again, the clouds lifted and my hormones leveled out somewhat. i decided to implement a routine and things started to become more manageable.

but when noah turned 6 months, we were on a plane to tanzania, africa for two months. this was a huge step of faith for me, but it turned out to be one of the most valuable parenting experiences for me. internet wasn't readily available. i didn't have my friends with me to ask my questions. all i had was me. so i learned to trust my instinct. i learned not to be so rigid in my expectations. i learned the value in having a routine, but not being a schedule-nazi and that diverting from our usual routine every now and then wasn't the end of the world. 
i learned to trust that i was a good mother for noah and that i could trust my instinct to hold him or to let him cry, to keep him up or breastfeed him to sleep. 

noah on safari in tanzania

me on the carrick-a-rede rope bridge in northern ireland with noah. this thing freaked me out. 

as noah has grown and i've had two other babies since then, i've been a lot more easy-going {like i thought i would be from the very beginning!} and i've really learned to just go with the flow. i've listened to my gut on things like whether or not we needed to take noah to the hospital for a dislocated elbow {before we knew what it was, of course}. i've trusted my instinct on delaying potty training, giving up on cloth diapering and moving our family to uganda. 
there are countless stories from other moms who have regretted not trusting their instinct about different things concerning their child's development. there are also countless stories about moms who have trusted their instinct and pushed for answers and were right despite others telling them nothing was wrong. 

my approach now to things is to use a combination of books and resources {including friends and other people} but to think about how their advice/recommendation fits with my child, my children and/or my family. if it's not working for our family as a whole, it's likely not going to work or last for very long.

so if you're a new mom, don't forget to put that book down every now and then and trust what feels right for you and your family. you are the best mom for your child and whether you choose breast or bottle, CIO or co-sleeping, to wait it out with baby tylenol or a trip to the hospital, don't forget to trust your instinct. it's God-given and it's unique to you and your child. 

i think if i could go back and tell PPD vanessa anything, it would be this, from 2 timothy 1:7,

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

as someone who loves Jesus, i know that i have his spirit within me and i can trust that He is guiding me and will give me wisdom in all situations - including parenting!

*as a side note, if you are struggling with PPD, please talk to someone and get some help. it doesn't always clear on its own and feeling unhappy and depressed and desperate isn't normal. here are a few resources to get you started. Post-Partum Support International, PPD/PPA resources

{still} two on the third

i missed last month's sibling picture. i realized this about halfway through the month. no one seemed to mind, though. so it's all good.

and i part-forgot and part-hoped that i would be able to legitimately do a three on the third picture, but no such luck.

my sweet friend kelly sent me a link to a very encouraging article about embracing pain in childbirth. after i read that article, it linked to another blog entry which i also found very encouraging. if you're pregnant and expecting soon {or even if you're not expecting soon}, i highly recommend reading both of these articles. at this point i don't fear the pain of childbirth. it's more i'm uncertain of what to expect from a hospital birth in uganda. and continuing to pray unceasingly for peace and trust and hope in what's to come. and contentment for where i am. right now.

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?

she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 

the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 

You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.

Amen.

seek

we went on safari. it was lovely. but exhausting.

sometimes i feel like i'm in this stage with my two little fellas that is priceless. they play well together. they play well unsupervised. they are creative and funny and cute and absolutely lovable.

and then i feel the complete opposite of that. they fight nonstop. they sass back. they don't obey and they feed off of each other's bad behaviour. they are all the time physically fighting, fighting, fighting. 

how can two boys be so sweet and so devilish all at the same time?

my advice to those with young children (especially boys): take them to the zoo. not on safari. my kids were just there for the snacks. (seriously though, there were some fun moments on safari, but i stand by my advice. the zoo is better for little kids.)

it's a hard stage. but a good one. and i have to remind myself that this too shall pass. the adorable moments of this youth and the hard, difficult moments of training and correcting. 

being pregnant with two very stubborn and very lively little boys is tiring. but i'm seeking two things;

1. that i would abide in Christ. fully. and nonstop. i fail. but it is something i am striving for.

2. that i would be joy-filled. in the hard. and the ugly. in the laughter-filled. and in the quiet moments of contemplation. that i would find joy. 

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:9-11

gratitude

why is gratitude so hard to do in the not-so-great times? why does my heart fall back upon grumbling and complaining and having a bad attitude?

on our drive home from jinja today i commented to jamie that sometimes {lots of times} pride is all over me. i pat myself on the back for being a mom in africa and how i must be so awesome-special to be doing what i'm doing and then i stop and think {or something happens to make me stop and think}, really, vanessa? really? because it seems like just yesterday {and a few days ago and pretty much all of last week, 2 months ago, etc.} you were barely hanging on.

there is nothing awesome-special about me. because it's nothing in me that enables me to be here. the real me is grumbling about late-night karaoke and hotel rooms right beside the bar and {my} out of control children and the lack of mosquito nets in our hotel room and lake flies in the bathroom and no power in our house in kampala and a fridge that got turned off for 3 days and wasted food and on and on it goes. that's the real me. or at least the me without Jesus.

i need Him far more desperately than i'm often willing to acknowledge. 

it's sad, really.
but i'm learning to abide in Him.
because He doesn't need strong, healthy, holy people coming to Him to abide. He calls the weak and desperate to come. abide. He calls me. and then once i come, He helps me to abide. it's amazing really. you might say that it's awesome-special. 

blt

today i ate the most delicious lunch. possibly ever. but certainly in a long, long time.
it was a staff day at the house today {meetings, book studies, etc.} and so i made lunch for all of us.
the menu?

california BLTs {it's a BLT with avocado}
pasta salad
chips & dip


chocolate chip oatmeal cookie sandwiches for dessert

it was all divine. i'm not a gigantic fan of huge slabs of tomato, so i just made mine BLA {bacon, lettuce, avocado} and it was absolutely perfect. perfect i tell you.
the pasta salad was so refreshing and the cookies? extravagant.
i'm still full. {the boys were delighted to eat cucumbers and chips and pb & j sandwiches. silly boys. they don't even know what they're missing.}

this afternoon in my book study with the other staff women i was really struck {again} by this quote from the book we're reading {having a mary spirit} about the story of mary and martha:

Jesus simply didn't want Martha to be so caught up in kitchen service for Him that she missed out on the joy of living-room intimacy with Him.....As they received Jesus's teaching, they learned the balance between a soul at rest and a body in motion, between working hard for Christ and sitting at His feet.


as someone who enjoys baking and cooking for others and serving others through providing food {and eating that food too!}, i was gladdened by the thought that it wasn't martha's actions that Jesus was rebuking as much as the attitude of her heart. her body could have been moving and working and serving while her heart was sitting at the feet of Jesus, but it wasn't. her heart was resentful and busy with tasks, not loving Jesus.

today's lunch brought me great joy to make and serve and provide {and definitely eat!} but it's a good reminder that when i am "busy" in deed, that my heart be quiet and still, seated before Jesus and longing to soak up His presence.

two

oh my two boys. i've really been praying lately for increased love and patience for my kids. that God would give me His eyes to see the children that He has blessed me with. that He would give me wisdom to know how to best love them and instruct them and build into them and He is so faithful. the previous pregnancy grumpies have mostly dissipated and i have such a joy when i stop and take the time to really look at my two precious boys.

it's also been so much fun to watch them interacting with the other staff here and soon the students as well that have come from canada.
i see how different my two boys are and absolutely love the differences. how boring it would be {and much less sanctifying} if jude and noah were exactly the same. of course parenting might be easier to figure out, but i'm not so sure the words "parenting" and "easy" should ever really be in the same sentence. {can i get an amen?}
this morning jude yelled at a crumb to get back into his banana bread. he always makes us laugh, even when we should probably be disciplining him.
every night noah loves to tell me that he hopes i have sweet dreams and is always first to request a hug.
i love my boys.
and i'm so looking forward to adding a third completely unique and different boy to our family.

linking to steph who posts pictures of her 4 kids on the fourth of each month

Good Friday links

it's good friday.

we are making hot cross buns today.

we are reading the story of jesus' betrayal and death on the cross. we are remembering. lingering. thanking Him.

yesterday i wept and my tears dropped onto the picture i was painting as i listened to 'watch the lamb'. i will probably listen to it again over this weekend and weep again.

we are reenacting the easter story with these toilet paper roll figures.

Jesus, thank you. thank you for being obedient, even to death on a cross. thank you for doing it for the joy set before you. open my inner eye to see you. every moment. of every day. give me wisdom, Lord to parent these beautiful, but sinful children that you have given to me as precious gifts. give me the words to speak truth into their lives, to be You with skin on to them. today as jamie and i explain to them about your death and the importance of it in our lives, may you speak to their little hearts through us.
Thank you. Just...thank You.

gross and icky

my stomach still feels gross and icky. like i made the wrong choice. i'm still not sure. my head tells me i did the right thing. my heart? it's confused.


i hear someone say hello and think it's our maid talking to someone on the phone. then noah comes in and says, someone's here to see you, mom. 
i turn around from my spot on the couch and see a ugandan woman standing outside our front porch.
how did she get in through our gate? 
nick quickly walks past me and i realize he has let her in.
she has a drop of water on the top of her chest.
i realize that it is a tear.
her eyes are tearing up.
we say the usual greetings although i am impatient and want to know who she is and why she's here.
but that would be rude.
nevertheless, the greetings are short.
i still have no idea who she is. i think she might be the maid that used to work for the people who lived with nick and trevor now live, but i'm not sure. she's already launched into her speech.
her son is sick.
the hospital's soonest appointment could be next year.
she wants my help but then quickly adds that she doesn't want my money. only me to come help her with her son.
i ask her if she has family or friends around. if she regularly attends a church. she does. i ask her if she's talked to her pastor and she says they don't have money to give her. i tell her that her church family should come around her and support her, help her with her son and pray for her. she looks frustrated. i know that despite what she's said, she's looking for money.
i tell her that i have no money, my husband is not at home and that she should talk to her pastor again, and make the appointment at the hospital and see if she can get her son in any sooner.
i tell her i have my own children that i can't just leave by themselves.
she looks dejected and possibly bitter. i can't tell. 
i feel rotten but i know that coming to some white stranger because you think they have money is absolutely not the answer. 
white people throwing money at ugandans has not helped this country before and it's not the answer to the desperation, the corruption, the frustration that the beautiful people meet here on a daily basis. 
i tell her i'm sorry and she walks back up to our gate.
i am frustrated at being accosted in my own home.
i feel sick at her situation and what must seem like a cold-hearted answer coming from a rich, white lady who couldn't possibly understand her situation or show pity toward her.
i feel more confident now that it is the church of uganda that needs to step up and be the family it's supposed to be. to support the members. to help those who are hurting and bear one another's burdens. 
i can't help everyone. i know that Jesus is the answer. to all the hurt and corruption and brokenness and frustration.
but my heart still feels gross and icky.
we live in such a broken world.


1 Cor. 12:24-27
But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
Now you are the body of Christ and each one of you is a part of it.

valentine's day

at dinner last night i spoke to the boys about valentine's day and how Jesus loved us the most by giving his life for us.
but mom, i love Jesus more than you do because i love, love, love, love, love him.

this morning i pulled out the Jesus storybook bible and read about Jesus dying on the cross and rising from the dead.
childish observations are both hilarious and poignant.

he has no shirt on, mommy. {repeated at least three times by jude}
why are there three crosses, mommy?
are there more soldiers?
i see a crack above the stone. maybe that's how Jesus could get out.


as i read to them about mary in the garden, searching frantically for her Lord, i struggle {very unsuccessfully} to hold back the tears. the boys don't question the drops of water running down my face or my voice that tremors with emotion.

"'Mary!'
Only one person said her name like that. She could hear her heart thumping. She turned around. She could just make out a figure. She shaded her eyes to see...and thought she was dreaming.
But she wasn't dreaming. She was seeing.
'Jesus!'
Mary fell to the ground. Sudden tears filled her eyes and great sobs shook her whole body, and all she wanted in that moment was to cling to Jesus and never let him go."


o love that wilt not let me go,
i rest my weary soul in thee;
i give thee back the life i owe,
that in thine ocean depths its flow
may richer, fuller be.

o joy that seekest me through pain,
i cannot close my heart to thee;
i trace the rainbow through the rain,
and feel the promise is not vain,
that morn shall tearless be.


happy valentine's day.