doctor's office

Last week while Jamie was away I thought it would be a good idea to take all three boys to the doctor's office and then navigate the older two getting booster shots. Yeah, it was about as awesome as you can imagine.

On the upside, I almost hit two pedestrians crossing the road on the way home because the sun was glaring right into my eyes. Oh wait, that was supposed to be an upside. Well, I didn't hit them. So there's that.
Okay the real upside is that Blaise managed to charm absolutely everyone in the doctor's office and get smiles out of everyone - big and smile. I mean small.

We had to go back to the doctor yesterday to get some meds for a brutal cough that Noah's had for the past two weeks. Hoping it clears up. Blaise was at it again with the other patients in the waiting room. He walked right up to a teenage boy and pointed to his pants. The boy was a bit surprised at first, but then smiled and engaged with Blaise. It was quite sweet.

I'm always thankful for the opportunity my kids give me to interact freely with strangers. But I'm definitely not winning the Super Mom Award for my behaviour and attitude this week. I've yelled more and sighed more and muttered things under my breath and it hasn't been pretty.
I blast worship music in the car when the whining and bickering threatens my sanity and I pray that the words will seep deep down into my soul and I will find peace in the madness. That God will be merciful to me and give me His love to love these gifts that He's given me. My children.

learning to lean

I am not the most spirit-filled person at 6am. Especially when it's 6am and I am changing wet sheets on the top bunk. True story.

I was driving home from my parents' house on Saturday night and all three boys were asleep. At a stop light, I turned around and stared in their sweet, sweet faces as they breathed deeply in absolute peace and relaxation and I felt so blessed. I am blessed. And in that moment, thoughts of wet beds and early mornings are about the farthest things from my mind.

But then 11:30pm comes and Jude throws up all over himself. And it's sheet-changing time again. But we get through it. And both boys {Noah had a fever} napped on and off all day on Sunday and today woke up feeling well enough to fight with each other so I sent them both to school. Also a true story. 

Last week while I was sick, Jamie took Blaise and Jude {on his non-school day} to the Y in the mornings and one morning, Jamie came to pick up Blaise and he was on the other side of the play area, away from the other kids. The childcare worker handed Blaise to Jamie and said, 

So Blaise had some difficulties this morning with other children.
He was hitting children.

On the head.

With a book.

Oh my. I laughed out loud when I heard this but not out of pride {of course I'm not proud} but it's just what it is. Poor kid has learned to hit from his older brother and is doing what he knows. So we're continually emphasizing his need to be gentle and not to hit. When we were out for dinner last week, Blaise was getting rough with Noah as he was grabbing Noah's arm and pinching him so I said, 

Blaise, be gentle. Gentle touches.

Blaise looked at me and then looked at Noah and embraced his arm and gently stroked it. Again, I laughed. He's a smart cookie and he knows. So we'll keep working on it, but it's good to know that he's learning to be gentle and understands how to do it.

And today after a wicked spin class at the Y I picked Blaise up and they said that instead of throwing a ball at the baby's head {!}, he waved instead. Progress indeed!

Right now I'm sitting in a very quiet house. Blaise is asleep. The boys are at school. I'm munching on sugar snap peas and hummus {I'm trying to be good although I totally sabotaged myself by buying a bag of peanut butter cups. Sigh.} and it's so quiet that I'm tempted to put some music on. But then I stop and just embrace the quiet. There is so little quiet in my life that I need to soak it up and remember what quiet feels like.
Today the wind is blowing and it's a winter wonderland out there. I am thankful for a home with heat and hot showers. I am thankful for a good school for my kids and a fridge with yummy food in it. I am thankful for parents who come and spend the day with us on Sunday to help keep the crazies at bay. I am thankful for Jude and his sweet heart that I see tuned towards Jesus, especially in prayers like this, "And thank you God for sending Jesus as a baby and that He died on the cross so I didn't have to die." Such a gem. Such sweetness in my heart.
Even though I am missing Jamie, I am learning how to lean even more heavily upon Jesus and His people.

November THREE

Nobody sits still in this house any more. Not even me. Only I wish I could.
But I digress. Needless to say, life is BUSY!

Blaise wants whatever we have. Gone are the days of sneaking sweets or other food in front of him {and away from the big boys}. He knows. And he wants it. Whatever "it" happens to be. Today it was Jamie's Pepsi and the old camera the boys were playing with. And he knows when he's touching something he shouldn't. The other day I had a box of tampons sitting at the top of the stairs waiting to be put away. {Just add it to the list, please.} Well I heard him crawling up the stairs and so I went up after him. He heard me, scampered up as fast as he could, headed for the box of tampons, grabbed a fist full and ran down the hallway as fast as he could move those chubby little legs. I laughed so hard. Oh yes. It's on the blog. And you will be so grossed out one day, mister.
Also? I discovered the bottoms of his feet are super ticklish. It's really cute.

I don't know where he's getting it from, but Noah's Mister Pose these days. Seriously! He's got great poses whenever I've held up my camera. {Check out this post from Halloween for another awesome pose he did with Jude in their costumes. I love the hand on the hip and the other arm around Jude!}
He's slowly starting to sound out words and gain the confidence he needs to sound out words he doesn't know or recognize. He's been sounding out words and writing them in school assignments and it's cute to try and read what he's written.

Jude is still the family comedian and a full-time resident of Planet Jude. Today while I was out grocery shopping after church, Jamie sent me a text message with a picture of Jude taking a nap in his closet. Apparently it was his idea and Jamie helped him get set up with his pillow and blanket. Not that I'm surprised.

These boys. I've not been the most patient Mama {or wife} lately. I continue to be aware more than ever of my shortcomings and lackings and am learning to lean heavily upon Jesus to be my all so I can love my family better.

There is so much to be thankful for. The most recent and exciting? I'm going to be an Auntie! My sister is due with her first baby in May and I am so excited!
So there is much. I feel like I should have figured out life here by now. But I haven't. Slowly. And with much grace and humility. I'll get there. I hope.

Every month I {try to} take pictures of my three boys. Check out past months' here.

enough

There are moments where I ask myself,
Did the last two years even happen?
Because everything seems the same. I seem the same. They seem the same. This city and all the familiar places seem ... the same.

And then there are moments that are almost like a slap in the face with clarity and realization that scream in my face, YES. The last two years really did happen and I wasn't here. I was in Uganda. I have changed. So has everyone else. In one way or another.

Isn't it funny that what I missed most while I was in Uganda, is the same thing I miss now that I'm back in Canada?
Being known. Belonging. 

It's like re-learning the lesson of where I truly belong and can call home all over again.
This isn't my home. I'm not meant to feel truly settled on this earth.

I'm struggling to find my routine. To figure out where and how I fit. To figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. In Guelph. In this life.
The simple answer is giving glory to God in all that I am.

But what does that mean for me, a Mother of three boys, two of which have just started school for the first time? What does that mean for me, a wife, married to my best friend, but trying to find time for our marriage in the middle of chaos and a fast-paced life? What does that look like? What does it mean for me?

And the things that Jesus is teaching me are things He's already taught me before. And the way He continues to reveal the ugliness of my soul can sometimes feel devastating and frustrating.

But there is grace. And sweet gentleness. And unconditional love. And mercy.

Last week I read through the book of Ephesians {hands down, my favourite book in the Bible} and once again was just struck with the depth of my need for a Saviour and how despite my rebellious, ugly nature, Christ died for me. He loved me. Before I ever did a thing to love him or move toward him with any good intentions or repentance.
Before I was repentant
He came for me.

So I don't really know a lot these days. But I do know that I am loved. That He chose me. And I think that if I really internalize and ruminate upon that truth, all my actions will flow from His love for me. 

And that will be enough. 

wednesday morning prayers

I hear foot steps and my door open ever so slightly.
"Mom?"
It's Jude. It's also 6:30am.
"Yes, Jude?"
"Where's Daddy?"
"He's in Halifax."
"Oh. Right."
"Go back to sleep. It's too early."
"But I see a bit of light. It doesn't seem too early to me..."
He wanders back into his room and shortly I after I hear quiet voices and their door shutting. I guess he woke up Noah. They play quietly for a bit.
The play gets louder and wakes up Blaise in the next room. He quiets for a bit and I lay in bed for just a few more minutes.
I check the weather {I have to get back into that habit.} and roll out of bed to go nurse Blaise. {He only woke up ONCE last night!} He's a happy guy and my alarm goes off in my room while I'm in the room with Blaise.
The boys come out of their room and I encourage them to get dressed before going downstairs.
They do.

It's smoothies and toast {and yogurt and cereal for Noah as well} and then the boys brush their teeth.
Jude is bugging to go to school {right.now.} and so I put their lunches in their bags, pack in a rain poncho for this afternoon's forecasted showers and after a bit of playing, they pose on the front steps for a picture for Jude's first day.

How handsome are they?!

We're leaving with plenty of time so I don't feel rushed. Which is nice.
At the school we walk around to Noah's side. We stand there for a minute or two and then give hugs and kisses goodbye so I can drop off Jude at his entrance.
I look back and see Noah standing by himself and it makes my heart hurt a little. I tell myself, he'll be fine.
I'm getting a bit emotional about sending Jude to school today for some reason. He's so little. It's such a long day. How will he do? Will he listen to the teacher and make friends? Will he be able to finish his lunch? {Probably not.}
We walk into the enclosed area and he looks at me with a smile and says, "PLAY?!?" so I nod and he takes off to the slides and climbers and then the bell goes and he comes right over and hops into a line. A helper asks him his name and then directs him to the other line for the other kindergarten teacher. I get a big hug from him and he hugs and kisses Blaise and then chats away to his teacher telling her about his backpack and his Star Wars shirt. Then I look to my side and see Noah standing there with teary eyes.
My heart sinks.

The teacher starts walking in with Jude's class and he happily trots in line behind the other kids. What a trooper.

I turn to walk away with Noah and begin what I've been dreading this entire time leading up to school's start.
We walk into the school all the while with Noah very tearfully and stubbornly telling me he's not going to school and not going to his class and he's staying with me the whole day.
I tell him he is going to school and that he's strong and amazing and he's going to have so much fun and learn new things today. I tell him that Jesus is with him and Noah tearfully says that he can't see Jesus. He can see me and so he wants to be with me. {sob} I try to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to go but I think it's because I wasn't there to see him into school like I have been since the beginning since I was with Jude. It's also a long day. Every day. And the transition is finally catching up to him.

My heart hurts as I leave him screaming and crying for me with the teacher.
I walk quickly with tears streaming and head back to the car with Blaise {thankful that I chose to put him in the stroller this morning and not carry him like I usually do}.

So it's not even noon and I'm not sure how he's doing. I hope he's doing well. I hope the teacher was able to get a handle on things. I felt bad for her. The little boy in Noah's class who has special needs was also having a rough morning and I didn't see any EA to help her so she was trying to deal with Noah and the other boy.

Jesus please be with Noah and Jude this morning. Send people to love them and protect them. Give them courage and strength and joy today. Remind them of your goodness. Remind me of your goodness. 

**it's 10:57am and I just got a call from his teacher. He settled down within a couple minutes of me leaving. She was so understanding and supportive and I am doing a little happy cry and fist pumping for such an awesome teacher.
Also found out that there is an EA that will be able to help her so that is great for her, for the kids in the class and for that little boy who I hope and pray Noah will get to know and love this year.
Thanks you Jesus!

school-aged

How cute is he?

So. After my emotionally thick post on the first day of school, I thought I'd follow it up with how our first week went.

So I picked Noah up from school the first day. No tears (from him - I did get a bit misty, though) and got a big smile. He did declare, though, that he wouldn't be going back to school the next day. Not emotionally. Just calmly and matter of factly. We talked about his day and I would bring up highlights as he mentioned them.

Oh! You got to finger paint? That's so fun!

Wow! You got Goldfish crackers from your teacher? Did they taste the same or different from the ones Mommy gave you?

A nature hunt? That must have been a lot of fun! What kinds of things did you find?

And each day since, he's calmly declared that he will definitely not be going to school tomorrow. And each day we talk about what he's done during the day. The fun parts and the hard parts.
I think he's doing well, though. He says he's made some friends but doesn't remember any of their names. Classic.
He's got to play with his friend from our town house complex twice who is in grade two so that seems to be a highlight for him.

It still makes my heart ache a bit when I drop him off and watch him trying to politely get through the door with the swarming mass of kids around him. It's a lot all at once. And he's doing really well.

Funny exerpts from him:

Mom, every morning in the hallway I hear a kid crying.

I looked for my hat but I couldn't find it.  (It was exactly where he had left it with me. On the shelf above his backpack.)

We have to sit "criss-cross applesauce". 

Mom? Why can't we have gum at school?

We went to the library, but not really in it. The lady who stays in there said it would be a long time for us to take books out.

I like recess. Wait, no. I don't like it. Well, yes and no. I like the long recess, but not the short recess.

And in other news, he's been holding the door for me all the time. I think his school is big on instilling respect and consideration of others. I love it! (And Jude and him even fought to hold the door open for each other. "No after you!" "No after YOU!" Hilarious.)

on not sleeping and mosquito bites

Blaise isn't the best of sleepers. In fact, he's my worst sleeper of the three boys. But I still love him. 

However being in Uganda presents some unique challenges.

Enter the mosquito net.

When Blaise cries out two or three or fifteen times a night {sadly I'm not exaggerating} it means me getting out of my mosquito net and then walking to his crib, lifting up his mosquito net and either rolling him back over {he's in a crappy "help me! I rolled onto my belly and I hate it!" phase} or sticking in his soother or taking him out and moving back to my mosquito net and nursing him on our bed. Then if I'm nursing him, I have to lift my mosquito net up again, walk over to his and lift up his net again to put him back in. That's multiple mosquito-net-liftings. Which creates opportunities for mosquitoes to fly in or out. Usually in. And in the dark {and in my half-awake state} I don't check for mosquitoes because if I did, that would mean a lot more work, more light and the potential for Blaise to wake up any more than he already is. 

This morning he had over 20 new mosquito bites all over his face, arms and legs. 

And it's too hot to put on a sleeper with long arms and legs. He's a little hot box.

So what do I do? I'm not really up for making any newfangled mosquito net contraption {unless it's super easy and doesn't involve sewing or extra materials} as we're leaving in just over 3 months. 

This morning I took his net down, soaked it in water and a few drops of citronella oil and rubbed a few drops of citronella oil all over the wooden pieces on his crib in the hopes that this will deter mosquitoes from hanging out around his crib at night.

Waking up with him wouldn't be so annoying or difficult if we didn't have the danged mosquito nets. 

I'm glad they generally keep out the bugs, but if you trap a mosquito in the net with you, you're almost worse off than if you weren't under the net at all!

I know most of you reading this don't sleep under a net, but maybe you have some brilliant ideas for me.

A little help?

a stripping away

We have less than 4 months left in Uganda before moving back to Canada.
LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS.

Since we've been back from Spain we've all been brutally sick.
We've had a really crappy water situation.
We've had rotten power and were without for over 3 days straight.
We've had bedbugs and "African B.O.".
Blaise is adorable as ever, but I'm waking up at least 3 or 4 times a night still with him. Colour me sleep deprived.

and I've gone off sugar.

I feel like all the things I usually go to are being stripped away.
A nice shower before bed to wash off the sweat and dirt and grime of the day? Nope.
An internet connection or even battery on my computer/phone to connect with friends and family? Nope.
A lovely chocolate bar in a particularly stressful moment of the day? Nope. {Although this is my own doing.}
The feeling of being safe from critters, even in your own bed? Nope.
A solid 5+ hours of consecutive {or total} sleep? Nope.

God is stripping these things away from me. He is not done with me even though I only have 4 more months left in Uganda. I know that He still has much for me. I often reflect and think, Have I even changed? Is my life different because I moved to Uganda for two years? Do I love Jesus more than I did 2 years ago?

I feel like a small child. Slow to listen. Slow to learn. I feel gratitude for the patience and mercy of God toward me.

Because He continues to say to me, Come to ME. Rest in ME. Find your solace and your comfort in ME. Those other things may be good, but they won't last like I do. Come to me, sweet child. I will give you rest.

I have changed, but it is not of my own doing. It is all Jesus. Alive in me. Isn't that absolutely mind-blowing? Stop and think about it. Jesus. Is alive. In me. It is Him working to change my character into someone who is more gracious and generous. Someone who loves more, gives more, serves more joyfully.

I also feel like Jesus is helping me reroute my attention back to my family. Like I'm coming full circle to where I began when we first moved here. I have my three amazing, precious boys. Shut the laptop. Walk away from the iPad. Get down on the ground and play cars or Lego. Get the puppets out. Climb a tree. Make a craft. DANCE PARTY!

So there is a stripping away that continues in my life. I pray that when we move back to Canada, I continue to be changed. Even when it's hard and painful and the stripping away just plain sucks. Because I don't want to look back in another two years and wonder, Have I even changed/grown at all? Do I love Jesus more now than I did two year ago?

traveling with young kids: the good, the bad, and the ugly

So we took a bunch of flights recently to Spain. With three kids. For the first time. 

It was...interesting.

Our flight path:

Entebbe, Uganda to Cairo, Egypt. 1ish hour layover.

Cairo, Egypt to Barcelona, Spain. Arrive around midday. Take a {very expensive} taxi to our apartment hotel for the night. Get up early to be at the airport for around 7am.

Barcelona, Spain to Malaga, Spain. Kick around at the airport for 2ish hours to wait for our shuttle bus to Nerja. Spend a week in Nerja for our work conference.

Then Malaga, Spain to Barcelona for 6 days of vacation. Take public transit to our rented apartment for the week. No more expensive taxis for us. After 6 days it's back to the airport in Barcelona.

Barcelona, Spain to Cairo, Egpyt. 1.5 hours layover. Eat Burger King and Haagen Dazs ice cream {banoffee flavour in case you were wondering. Pure heaven.}

Cairo, Egpyt back to Entebbe, Uganda. Arrive at 3am.

The Good

I made surprise packages for the boys and put them in their carry on suitcases including some candy, crackers, and a few other snacks as well as stickers, crayons and colouring books. I also snuck in a new book into each of their suitcases which they actually didn't discover until we arrived at our final destination. They were also allowed to pick 5 toys to include and were looking forward to playing with the various dinosaurs they chose {they're both in a dino phase these days}. They were really looking forward to these packages and it kept them occupied for all of 7 minutes. Just kidding. They were occupied for at least a third of the first flight.

Jamie charged up his iPad and computer and the boys watched movies and played games on the various "screens". This probably kept them occupied for at least half of the flight times. 

Blaise happily slept for a good chunk of the flights. 

I had an empty row to myself with Blaise for four out of six flights. It was almost for three flights, but my hero {my hubs} got me a row to myself for our final flight instead of sitting beside two men again. One of which had a decent case of BO.

The Bad

Our flight from Cairo to Barcelona was filled with high school students who happily {and loudly} hung over the backs of seats, walked up and down the aisles as I tried to rock Blaise to sleep. I felt like I was on a high school bus trip. 

This was one of the flights that I did not have the row to myself. Luckily I was seated next to a really nice university-aged couple who were utterly charmed by Blaise.

Our flight from Malaga to Barcelona was full. And I was in between two business men. It was not pleasant although both men were as accommodating as you can be to someone who doesn't speak your language and is breastfeeding their 4 month old baby right beside you.

Jude was his usual 3.5 yr old self. Provoking Noah, getting up and down, and waking up extremely cranky and loud in his lamentations about how rough his life is. And just generally complaining whenever he didn't get exactly what he wanted.

The Ugly

Trying to rock Blaise when it seemed every.single.person wanted to walk up and down the aisle.

The flight attendants on Egypt Air were generally unhelpful and disinterested in what would appear to be their jobs. They closed off the back so I had nowhere to stand with Blaise other than in the aisle that everyone wanted to walk up and down.

Egypt Air {at least the four flights we were on} don't have tv's on the backs of the seats. This was a bit disappointing for the boys, but thankfully Jamie's iPad and computer lasted the flights. I probably couldn't have watched anything if I wanted to.

Our flight from Malaga to Barcelona {the same one where I was stuck in between two business men} was ROUGH. Blaise was fussy. As I was nursing him on the way up, I felt/heard him fill his diaper. So after he was done and the seat belt sign went off, I got up to change him in the bathroom. But as I got there, but flight attendant said someone was in there and I had to wait. Behind the curtain. Unfortunately I was carrying Blaise in a way that he was looking over my shoulder. And he totally spit up on the man sitting in the first row. I was utterly humiliated. Thankfully he {the man, not Blaise. Blaise was oblivious to it all.} was really good about it. And then Jude screamed the whole descent into Barcelona. And peed his pants. Oh yes. That was not a very good flight.

On the flight with all the highschoolers I had to put my finished tray of food on the ground because there were no flight attendants nearby. One of the Egyptian students came by and step on/kicked the tray and leftover food went everywhere. She got a pissed off look on her face and loudly said something to me in Arabic. I was livid, but politely said I was sorry. I think she was surprised that I either wasn't Egyptian or didn't get all up in arms at her. Either way, she backed off, but I was almost at my wits' end by that point.

Losing Bunny somewhere along the leg of Cairo to Barcelona. {He's doing a lot better, by the way. Last night Noah gave him his Pooh bear to sleep with and that worked wonders in settling Jude to sleep right away. When I found out, my heart melted to hear of Noah's compassion. My sweet boy.}

Because our flight from Barcelona to Cairo got changed twice {once because it got cancelled and then another time due to the unrest in Egypt and our layover was 24 hours. So we extended our stay in Barcelona so that we'd only have 2 hours in the airport in Cairo} our tickets were a bit bonkers in the system and it took forever to check in. We were literally "those people" who hold up the plane and are the last to rush in and haphazardly get settled. The boys were exhausted and bored and antsy waiting to check in. Great start to 12 hours of travelling ahead.

I guess in the end we survived. And overall we did okay. But it goes without saying that I'm not so much a fan of traveling with little kids. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. And it certainly makes coming back home extremely appealing. Even if it's stinkin' hot out. 

Some "take home points":

- if you are taking two long flights somewhere, it makes things easier to stay at least one overnight in the country you're flying through to break things up.

- if your kids have trouble keeping underpants dry or use a diaper at night and you're crossing time zones, PUT THEM IN A PULL-UP. I cannot stress this one. The only flight I didn't put Jude in a pull-up for, he peed his pants. And of course, they always have to go when the seat belt sign is on. Of course.

- for me, it's worth it to fly with a more expensive airline that has more kid-friendly food {the boys at nothing by snacks I brought and the buns that came with the meals} and tv's on the back of the seats. 

- I'd personally prefer not to have to get up in the middle of the night or too early to make a flight. Evening flights or daytime flights are best. No rush. And everyone's less cranky.

- snacks and special treats on the flight are not to be underestimated. It's fun for everyone and makes things more enjoyable.

What are your tricks, tips and experience with flying with young kids?

three on the third

I actually did take this on the third. But I didn't bring my computer and Jamie's computer doesn't have a card reader. So I'm back dating it. Because I can.

Spain was amazing. More on that later. But these three guys got a lot of attention - especially Blaise who made tons of friends on the metro which we took every day in Barcelona.

I had wanted to get a picture of them outside somewhere cool in Barcelona {which is where we were on the third} but it was quite windy and cold that day and there may or may not have been numerous melt downs and tantrums. So a few pictures snapped during some tv time worked just as well in our Ikea-decorated apartment that we rented for the week {definitely the way to travel with kids}.

Noah. He is just growing so fast. Jude is non-stop and mostly defiant. Blaise is adorable but enduring his first cold, poor guy.

We've had some really tough moments over the past couple weeks but also some really good ones. Traveling with young kids is not for the faint of heart, but I think it's worth it to push the limits and see what you can do and what doesn't work. Again, more on that later.

Three boys in Barcelona! Huzzah!

missionaries aren't perfect

Most days it's weird to think of myself as a missionary.

You see, I grew up in a church that had many missionaries coming and going. My piano teacher ended up moving with her family {4 little kids at the time!} to Malawi. But for some reason I had this idea that missionaries are...better than the rest of us. Somehow different than "normal" people. Here's the deal, though. They aren't. I mean, we aren't. We're normal. We mess up. We swear {well, some of us do.}. We lose our cool and skip quiet times and have days {months?} when we don't feel close to Jesus.

Today I was having one of those days.

We're going to Spain {for the same conference as we went to last year} on Friday morning {like 3am. Yikes.}. Well, technically we have plane tickets to Spain. Whether we're going or not is still not certain. You see, we don't actually have our passports. They're currently at the immigration offices here in Kampala. Where they've been since August. I kid you not.
And after paying over $500 in "fees" {due to their inefficiency in processing Jamie's work permit} I expected to have our passports like 4 months ago and the only worry in my mind would be whether I had packed enough diapers. A bit of a fool's hope.
We were told we'd have our passports by today. Jamie went to the immigration offices today and after talking to multiple people was told to come back tomorrow. Oh and apparently our lawyer was "surprised" to find out that we are leaving on Friday. Even though Jamie told him several times.
When Jamie came back without our passports I had very unsavory thoughts go through my mind toward Uganda and the system and the people.
Sigh.

What am I even doing here?

Anyway, it's frustrating. But it is what it is. And the thing is, Jesus is not surprised by any of this. So we continue to trust in His goodness. Regardless of whether we miss our flight or not.
But I really, really, really want to go to Spain. So that's what I'm praying for. Because with the ants and cockroaches and rats and mice and the heat and the inefficiency of things here {oh and possible bed bugs}...I need a break. Because I'm normal too. I'm nothing special. But He is.

life, lately

to be honest, i'm tired. i feel like that's been my standard answer now for oh...2.5 months now? good. but tired. 

half of the advent activities we've supposed to do haven't happened. 

i've missed out completely on most of the advent stories/readings that jamie does with the boys because i'm putting blaise to bed. 

noah struggled with his temper yesterday. 

jude peed in his pants four times. 

blaise screamed no matter what i did. 

i'm not complaining, but i do want to be honest here. because i never want to come across as a "super mom" or someone who seems to have it all together on this blog or in real life. i think there's enough out there that compels us to compare ourselves. at least it's something that i struggle with. every.single.day. 

so let's keep it real, shall we folks?

it's amazing, though, the third time around how my perspective is so different. jamie came into the kitchen today as i was making tortillas {yay for a dinner that everyone will eat!} with a fussy blaise in his arms and said, "this shall not pass." jokingly, of course. because we both know this time around how quickly this time actually does pass by us. pretty soon he'll be crawling and shoving noah's rogue lego pieces into his mouth and mauling jude with his drool. 

jamie and i are behind on our advent readings and despite my best intentions, it's after 11pm and i'm still up. 

there are hard things and hard times in everyone's lives. but there are also good things.

such as...

us investing into a new friendship with another couple here and also getting some free baby stuff - yay for a crib for blaise that's not a lumpy, bumpy pack 'n play mattress! 

homemade peppermint patties. lots of work {and a recipe i won't try again with kids running around me} but oh so delicious straight out of the freezer. because ya know, it's too warm around here to keep it out. hard life, i know. 

a date at the movies with my hubs who generously holds and rocks mr. fussypants by the entrance way so i can watch the movie and not miss out. {skyfall was awesome, by the way!}

taco night. 'nuff said.

grace spoken to my heart and patience amidst frustrating circumstances.

so let's not kid ourselves; life is hard sometimes. and sucky. but also? so good.

threats and "the game"

threats. they seem to be quite popular in our family these days. and i'm not just talking about coming from the parental units. noah tends to threaten us to "get his way" {which he definitely doesn't when he uses threats, letmetellYOU!}.

if you don't let me have the iPad, i'm going to be really angry and throw this chair.

now we've started cutting him off if he even begins a sentence with a scowl and the words, "if you don't..." by saying, "i'm sorry, noah, but that's not how we talk to each other in this family."
he doesn't like it, and it often makes him angrier {usually}, but it's completely unacceptable to us. so no. we don't threaten.
jude has picked up on the "threat language" and uses it from time to time but our reaction is the same as well.

but jude's game with us is the yes/no game. it often happens around bedtime.
it usually goes a little something like this;

good night, jude. *lean in for a goodnight kiss*

NO KISS! NO HUG! NO!

okay, that's fine.  and we walk away.

seconds later,

I WANT A KISS! I WANT A HUG!

so we lean in to give him a kiss and get,

NO KISS! NO HUG!

so we walk away. and he demands a kiss and and hug again.

once we realized what he was doing, we decided to take him at his first word. i walk away and say good night the first time he rejects it, despite the fact that he wails and screams. and the first few times he obviously lasted longer although he does less so now. oftentimes i'll just move in for a kiss and give him lots of kisses all over his squirmy self as he giggles, but it doesn't mean that he is satisfied. he'll often still demand that he gets to give me a kiss but then falls back into "the game". at least when i walk away, i've still given him kisses. he'll just have to learn to mean what he says. he'll get it. eventually.

the same thing goes for mealtimes. he'll say he's done and get down from the table so i take away his plate and he freaks out at me saying that he wasn't done and he still wants to eat.
he knows now that if he gets down from the table, he's done. plate goes away. that's it.
he still freaks out, but at least we all know where we stand on these issues.

it's still incredibly frustrating and i despise the tantrums that follow, but after reading through this blog, i remembered that we had a rough time with noah when he turned three as well. the three's are rough around here. we just have to suck it up, stick to our word and move forward.

we have our daily {hourly} struggles around here. parenting is by no means easy with these two fantastically smart and spunky boys. just the other day i {temporarily} took away their screen time tickets for the rest of the day due to poor attitudes and meltdowns right after each of them using a ticket. i find i am far more grace-filled but i also find i am praying a lot more for patience and lowered blood pressure because these boys certainly know how to make my blood boil!

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?

she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 

the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 

You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.

Amen.

kids are people too

so this has been on my mind and heart for the past month or more. so much so that i have a sticky note on my desk top {a virtual one} with some thoughts i've had on this subject.
then today a friend on facebook linked to this article which relates to how i've been feeling and what i've been thinking. {and also brings this whole issue back to my heart and it was a good read. go read it for yourself.}

basically, kids are people too. we need to treat them as such.
yes they are cute. and little. and squishable. but they have feelings. and opinions. and preferences.
now i'm definitely not saying that when a kid prefers to eat candy over vegetables that you should make sure you do a switcheroo and put a plate full of candy in front of them. no sir. but i think the way we speak to our kids {and the way you speak to other people's children - whether you have your own or not} should be respectful and understanding.

i've seen my kids poked, prodded, and picked up against their will while here in uganda. i've seen people get right up in their face and speak loudly and give no time for an answer before asking them another question. loudly. and in their face.

part of this is cultural, but i've also had things happen in canada where my kids are saying "no" and that they are done and the person playing with them thinks it's funny or cute and is not respecting my child's boundaries or request for said activity to finish.
you wouldn't walk up to an adult and pinch their cheeks or twirl them around or tickle them mercilessly and disregard any request for those activities to stop, so how come this is acceptable with our children?
how will they learn that when they say "no", people should listen and respect that if the adults around them don't seem to? or that they should speak up about things that make them feel uncomfortable and take a stand?

one of the realities of living here is being treated like a celebrity.
while we were up north on safari, it seemed like every single staff person at the hotel knew my kids by name and would say hi to them. which was fine. but it was the staff coming up to us during our mealtimes and demanding conversations with my kids and one staff even demanding jude to share his food with him and when jude {understandably} refused, he picked up jude's fork, put it in a potato on my plate and then put it in his mouth. um? no.
it's no wonder that my older son, noah, does not take well to this. he dislikes a lot of attention to begin with {even from people he knows}, and so this has been extremely stretching for him. we've worked hard and role played with him to help him learn that even if he doesn't feel like being someone's best friend, it's still polite to say hello and shake someone's hand. {the shaking hands thing is not even close to happening, but we're still working on it.} we talk through situations, but i completely understand how hard it must be for him.
after our experience at the hotel, it's no wonder he hides his face or gives an angry look at strangers to ward off unwanted attention.

anyway, all i'm saying is, let's treat these little people with respect. just because they're little does not make them less of a person.

agree? disagree? thoughts or advice? i'm all ears!

gratitude

why is gratitude so hard to do in the not-so-great times? why does my heart fall back upon grumbling and complaining and having a bad attitude?

on our drive home from jinja today i commented to jamie that sometimes {lots of times} pride is all over me. i pat myself on the back for being a mom in africa and how i must be so awesome-special to be doing what i'm doing and then i stop and think {or something happens to make me stop and think}, really, vanessa? really? because it seems like just yesterday {and a few days ago and pretty much all of last week, 2 months ago, etc.} you were barely hanging on.

there is nothing awesome-special about me. because it's nothing in me that enables me to be here. the real me is grumbling about late-night karaoke and hotel rooms right beside the bar and {my} out of control children and the lack of mosquito nets in our hotel room and lake flies in the bathroom and no power in our house in kampala and a fridge that got turned off for 3 days and wasted food and on and on it goes. that's the real me. or at least the me without Jesus.

i need Him far more desperately than i'm often willing to acknowledge. 

it's sad, really.
but i'm learning to abide in Him.
because He doesn't need strong, healthy, holy people coming to Him to abide. He calls the weak and desperate to come. abide. He calls me. and then once i come, He helps me to abide. it's amazing really. you might say that it's awesome-special. 

traffic cop

so i got pulled over today.

we were driving to my friend kelly's house today to hang out with her boys and there is this one spot that i've almost always seen a traffic cop standing at, pulling people over. i've gotten pulled over once before and the cop just checked my license and wished me well.

not so today.

i was polite and gave my license when the cop came to my  window and asked me for it. then she proceeded to ask me to put on the brakes and checked my lights. then she came back and proceeded to ask me to put it in reverse to check my reverse lights. then she told me she was going to write me a receipt {ticket} because my back tires were not filled enough. i politely said that i was not aware that this was an illegal offense in uganda.
she told me she could "park my car" right now or write me a receipt and hold onto my license until i went to the bank and paid it and then i could pick up my license at the police station. i told her that i would be happy to go to the station and she could write me the receipt and i would pay the ticket there. she repeated what she had already told me.

she left to go back to her other traffic cop buddy and so i called jamie and told him what was happening. noah asked me why she had pulled me over at this point and i {somewhat bitterly} replied that it's because i'm white and she thinks i have lots of money to give her.
she came back with an official receipt book and showed me that my offense was {on the back of the receipt} for not having a car that was fit for driving on the road.

at this point i was getting frustrated and feeling taken advantage of and again said that i was not aware that my tires were less than full and that i did not know that this was an offense that would get me a ticket. she then started saying that my brakes lights were out and reverse lights are out and this and that {she started pointing to random things on my car} and that my seatbelts - oh no, you're wearing your seatbelt. i told her that of course i was as it was unsafe not to {me being a smartass}.

she kept saying that she would write me a receipt, etc. etc. and then finally {i admit, with frustrated tears in my eyes} i told her to write me the receipt as she was leaving me no choice and i had two small children with me and had no other options. she just looked at me and then said,
you go to a gas station and buy new tires. i am forgiving you this time. but you go get those tires replaced.


i took off as soon as she gave me my license back before she changed her mind.

these are my tires when i got home today {no filling with air, no replacing.}

front tire

back tire

um? how are my back tires flat? yeah. she was totally looking for a bribe and to take advantage of the white woman. i was so angry when i got to kelly's house and looked at the tires for myself.

so this is life here in uganda. bribes are expected but today i'm glad i fought the system and also didn't get a ticket while i was at it.

water

on saturday i posted that we had no water on facebook. a friend commented that soon i'd be hearing from all the other missionaries about "this one time we went 7 days without water". {luckily no one did make a comment in that vane.} little did i know that we'd end up going over 5 days now without water.
we buy our drinking water, so please don't fret that we're about to all keel over and die from dehydration, but still.
i never realized how much i use water. and how much.
to do dishes. to wash my hands. to cook with. to flush the toilets. to brush my teeth. to shower {yeah, i stink pretty bad. one shower in 5 days in africa? have i crossed the line of TMI on my blog yet?}. to wash my hands {while prepping food, after changing diapers, coming in from play, washing hands all.the.time.}.
and now apparently the problem has been "fixed" {they were fixing some water main in our area or something?} but we still don't have water.
i think of most others in this city and country who {if they even have access to clean water} have to walk some ways to fill up containers and then walk back with their heavy container, full of water.
yesterday our power went out as well. and then at night. and then today again. {on and off throughout the night and day.} and i think,
what is God trying to teach me? 

i met with another missionary who lives nearby us and works in the same ministry as we do. her and her husband have been here for many, many years now and she said something to me,
we weren't called here to live a convenient life. that's not the life God has given us. 

i'm not here to live a convenient life. i'm not on this earth to live a convenient life. i believe God is slowly {sometimes it doesn't seem slow enough} stripping away the things in my life that i depend on. the main thing that sticks out here is all the conveniences i've been used to for the last 30 years.
a part of me wants to cry out,
isn't it enough that i've left behind family and friends, my home church and sidewalks, starbucks and libraries? parks and safe driving? isn't it enough? 

i think the answer {for me, at least} is that it isn't enough until i treasure Jesus Christ above everything else in my life. more than water or electricity, sidewalks or libraries. more than friends and air conditioning. i need to treasure Him in such a way that it is noticeable to everyone around me.
and right now He's showing me that i don't. 

but he is good. and merciful. and patient.

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

but i'm still praying the water comes on. soon.

confessions of a young mom on sunday

today i went to church {as in, i entered a church building} for the first time in at least 2 months.
i know.
but church is hard. at least, i find it really hard here.
in canada, we entered our church to familiar, smiling faces. we didn't stick out like sore thumbs. we promptly dropped off our boys in their safe, incredibly creative and age-appropriate children's church classes.
then we would often happily chat with a friend or two in the lobby and walk in to find a seat to familiar songs to worship to. the sermon would usually be thought-provoking and Bible-based. then we would pick up our boys afterward, chat with friends until the lobby cleared and we would drive home or to a friend's house for lunch.

in uganda, we drive to church and immediately heads turn when we pull up. we are muzungus. white people. the boys are often happily greeted by ugandans with good intentions, but it's often too much - especially for noah - and i have to keep reminding them to say hello and be polite and not be rude or grumpy.
we somehow corral the boys into a pew and try to keep them from crawling all over the ground that's covered in a fine, red dust. they are up and down and fighting with each other and i can barely pay attention to the song that's being sung. then children are dismissed to their classes and i walk with the boys to theirs. they are expected to sit for the remainder of the time listening to a lesson or colouring. maybe they sing a song or two. the doors are left open to the courtyard, which leads to the parking lot. i stay with them because they'd run out in a heartbeat if i left them.

today we went to a different church that we could walk to. at our other church we were one of a few young, white families. at this church? out of at least 200 kids in their children's church, they were the only white kids. we were stared at. pointed at. giggled at. but the lesson was told much more engagingly for the boys' age despite being expected to sit for the entire time.

today was better. and i'm betting it's not necessarily because of the lesson {although it was so much better by leaps and bounds than any other lesson i've heard for kids since being here}. it was because my reason for going was different. today i went for my kids.

we are not in canada. we are in uganda. it is good to go through hard things. it is good for the boys to learn to deal with stares or "standing out". it is good for us to show our boys that church is an important part of our week. it is good for me to go. if only for the sake of my children.

break down

today I had planned to meet a friend at this fantastic cafe/art gallery place with a great outdoor play area for kids. I had Elizabeth with me and the boys in the car as I was going to drop Elizabeth off near to the taxis. as I started coasting down the hill I pressed the brakes and realized the car wasn't stopping. I wasn't going too quickly but immediately started to panic. I said to Elizabeth, "my brakes won't work! my brakes are gone!" and luckily I was going slow enough that I could pull somewhat off to the side and pull the e-brake. cars were honking as I found the emergency lights and waved them around me.
I realized the car had actually died and not just the brakes.
so thankful to have had Elizabeth with me as she called over some men to help {people don't just come and help you here. and they expect to be paid for their help.} and as I couldn't get the car out of park and into neutral, we all piled out and a guy hopped in and somehow maneuvered it off the road.
I called Jamie and he came with our friend James and they took over while I decided that Elizabeth and I would walk back home with the kids {and had to insist that no we would not be taking a boda with the children}. we were no further than our church which we used to walk to before we bought our car so I knew we could do it.
but it was hot.
Noah complained a bit, but eventually just dug deep and walked with determination.
I was proud of him.
Elizabeth and I walked and talked about how God knew that would happen and had Elizabeth there to help me. well, in between her telling random guys to eff off for making comments about me. oh Elizabeth.
we were all sweaty by the time we got back and Jamie called me with an update. nothing too expensive and the ministry mechanic was going to come by and fix it there.
just another random, crazy day in Kampala.
thankful for His protection.