seek

we went on safari. it was lovely. but exhausting.

sometimes i feel like i'm in this stage with my two little fellas that is priceless. they play well together. they play well unsupervised. they are creative and funny and cute and absolutely lovable.

and then i feel the complete opposite of that. they fight nonstop. they sass back. they don't obey and they feed off of each other's bad behaviour. they are all the time physically fighting, fighting, fighting. 

how can two boys be so sweet and so devilish all at the same time?

my advice to those with young children (especially boys): take them to the zoo. not on safari. my kids were just there for the snacks. (seriously though, there were some fun moments on safari, but i stand by my advice. the zoo is better for little kids.)

it's a hard stage. but a good one. and i have to remind myself that this too shall pass. the adorable moments of this youth and the hard, difficult moments of training and correcting. 

being pregnant with two very stubborn and very lively little boys is tiring. but i'm seeking two things;

1. that i would abide in Christ. fully. and nonstop. i fail. but it is something i am striving for.

2. that i would be joy-filled. in the hard. and the ugly. in the laughter-filled. and in the quiet moments of contemplation. that i would find joy. 

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:9-11

blt

today i ate the most delicious lunch. possibly ever. but certainly in a long, long time.
it was a staff day at the house today {meetings, book studies, etc.} and so i made lunch for all of us.
the menu?

california BLTs {it's a BLT with avocado}
pasta salad
chips & dip


chocolate chip oatmeal cookie sandwiches for dessert

it was all divine. i'm not a gigantic fan of huge slabs of tomato, so i just made mine BLA {bacon, lettuce, avocado} and it was absolutely perfect. perfect i tell you.
the pasta salad was so refreshing and the cookies? extravagant.
i'm still full. {the boys were delighted to eat cucumbers and chips and pb & j sandwiches. silly boys. they don't even know what they're missing.}

this afternoon in my book study with the other staff women i was really struck {again} by this quote from the book we're reading {having a mary spirit} about the story of mary and martha:

Jesus simply didn't want Martha to be so caught up in kitchen service for Him that she missed out on the joy of living-room intimacy with Him.....As they received Jesus's teaching, they learned the balance between a soul at rest and a body in motion, between working hard for Christ and sitting at His feet.


as someone who enjoys baking and cooking for others and serving others through providing food {and eating that food too!}, i was gladdened by the thought that it wasn't martha's actions that Jesus was rebuking as much as the attitude of her heart. her body could have been moving and working and serving while her heart was sitting at the feet of Jesus, but it wasn't. her heart was resentful and busy with tasks, not loving Jesus.

today's lunch brought me great joy to make and serve and provide {and definitely eat!} but it's a good reminder that when i am "busy" in deed, that my heart be quiet and still, seated before Jesus and longing to soak up His presence.

palm sunday

another no-church sunday for us today.
but today i was prepared. i did a little lesson for the boys on palm sunday.
we made palm branches {i like calling them palm fronds} and waved them and shouted hosanna! and i read the story of palm sunday to them.
noah commented, i think the people were really happy to see him!
oh how they were, my sweet boy. and how everything changed within a week.

making a way for the king of the universe

singing this song in my heart and with my lips today and forever:

water

on saturday i posted that we had no water on facebook. a friend commented that soon i'd be hearing from all the other missionaries about "this one time we went 7 days without water". {luckily no one did make a comment in that vane.} little did i know that we'd end up going over 5 days now without water.
we buy our drinking water, so please don't fret that we're about to all keel over and die from dehydration, but still.
i never realized how much i use water. and how much.
to do dishes. to wash my hands. to cook with. to flush the toilets. to brush my teeth. to shower {yeah, i stink pretty bad. one shower in 5 days in africa? have i crossed the line of TMI on my blog yet?}. to wash my hands {while prepping food, after changing diapers, coming in from play, washing hands all.the.time.}.
and now apparently the problem has been "fixed" {they were fixing some water main in our area or something?} but we still don't have water.
i think of most others in this city and country who {if they even have access to clean water} have to walk some ways to fill up containers and then walk back with their heavy container, full of water.
yesterday our power went out as well. and then at night. and then today again. {on and off throughout the night and day.} and i think,
what is God trying to teach me? 

i met with another missionary who lives nearby us and works in the same ministry as we do. her and her husband have been here for many, many years now and she said something to me,
we weren't called here to live a convenient life. that's not the life God has given us. 

i'm not here to live a convenient life. i'm not on this earth to live a convenient life. i believe God is slowly {sometimes it doesn't seem slow enough} stripping away the things in my life that i depend on. the main thing that sticks out here is all the conveniences i've been used to for the last 30 years.
a part of me wants to cry out,
isn't it enough that i've left behind family and friends, my home church and sidewalks, starbucks and libraries? parks and safe driving? isn't it enough? 

i think the answer {for me, at least} is that it isn't enough until i treasure Jesus Christ above everything else in my life. more than water or electricity, sidewalks or libraries. more than friends and air conditioning. i need to treasure Him in such a way that it is noticeable to everyone around me.
and right now He's showing me that i don't. 

but he is good. and merciful. and patient.

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

but i'm still praying the water comes on. soon.

let's talk...

with valentine's day being just 2 days away and being in uganda, i am mourning the lack of conversation hearts to be found here.
back in the day of my blogging life, i used to post "the treat of the month" and no doubt at some point, these were one of the treats i blogged about.
i love candy.

photo credit: flickr

while we were in spain, one of the main session speakers spoke on john 21, but mainly verses 15-23. she talked about how john {the author of john} never refers to himself by name, but by "the disciple Jesus loved". she thought it was probably because he was so consumed by the fact that

Jesus.

loved.

him.

his entire identity was wrapped up in the fact that he was loved by Jesus. amazing.

next we came to the familiar passage where Jesus asks simon peter if he loves him. he asks him this three times.  one commentator reflected that Jesus asked simon three times to get the point across to simon. but john records it three times because there's a point that we need to get.

first Jesus asks simon if he loves him more than these. regardless of what "these" is referring to, the question that jumped out was do I love him MORE? more than candy or comforts or sidewalks or donuts or friends or family or life itself; do i love him more?

it was a fantastic session and i was blown away by the fact that Jesus doesn't call us to love His sheep. he calls us to love Him. when we respond yes, he tells us to feed and take care of his sheep.

Jesus, may i be fully consumed by the fact that YOU love me. may my love for you be all-encompassing, the first love in my life. may i love you more than anything else in this world because all that YOU are, is so much more than enough for me.

it smells like rain

we've been hearing thunder for the last couple days but no rain.

i had just been speaking with my mom on skype and mentioned how we hadn't had rain in a few days.

about an hour after i said this the skies opened up and rain poured down from the heavens.

i breathed in deep.

it smelled so good. earthy. wet. 

i grabbed my camera and went outside to find it smelled even better out there.

i thought to myself

i never want to forget this. 

to my delight, noah joined me and sat on the warm steps as we watched the rain come down.

can i go and run around in the rain, mom?

definitely. always and definitely.

Listen, you heavens, and I will speak;

hear, you earth, the words of my mouth.

Let my teaching fall like rain

and my words descend like dew,

like showers on new grass,

like abundant rain on tender plants.

I will proclaim the name of the Lord.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

He is the rock, his works are perfect, 

and all his ways are just.

A faithful God who does no wrong,

upright and just is he.

Deuteronomy 32:1-4

giving thanks for the ugly

i've picked up the habit of giving thanks in a journal. of doing eucharisteo.
{i even started a new "gratitude" journal that my sweet friend, mandy gave to me as a goodbye present.}

today after i dumped in a new package of pasta and then noticed there were dead bugs floating around in the boiling water i sighed.
and then grabbed a spoon and started spooning out as many bugs as i could find.
later as i picked through the cooked bow tie pasta for the ones that had bugs on/in them i was floundering.
how do i give thanks for this?
how do i practice giving thanks for the ugly things in my life? like bugs in my pasta.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
as i pondered my predicament, the horn of africa's famine came to mind.
and then i gave thanks. with a sincere heart. not just because i ought but because i truly felt grateful to have food.
i have food to feed my children.
i don't have to watch them starve.
and when one of them doesn't want tonight's dinner, i can offer him last night's leftovers.
leftovers!

today during my quiet time {noah and i had one together!} i read that "anything less than gratitude and trust is practical atheism." i was shocked. and convicted. how often do i grumble with an unthankful heart or stress because i do not trust the I Am?

so when i found bugs in my pasta i dug deep to find something to give thanks for.
even for bugs in my pasta.
besides, isn't there some sort of missionary joke about finding bugs in your food?

and that's okay.

this place is not my home.

not yet.

i know it will feel like it someday.

but it doesn't feel like it right now.

and that's okay.

i miss my home and native land.

and that's okay.

there are so many things that are wonderful in my life and in my house and in this city.

and i'm learning to count them every day.

but i'm not denying that right now...

i miss my home, my friends, my family, {my car}, my city, my church.

and that's okay.

{there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens;}

found on pinterest.

.

God is so good.
you know when people say that and you're all,

really? that's so cliche.

but you know when you say it and feel like sobbing at how good He really is and how overwhelming His goodness is in your life?
that.
Jesus is totally and completely all-consuming and everything i need. and He's been reminding me of His goodness is sweet, sometimes subtle ways.

like in a book given to me by a wonderful, wise woman. or a book i've already blogged about. or from His Word here. and here. and here. and through a song on the radio.
and every sunday at church i'm just a mess because He is speaking so clearly and ministering to me and preparing me for this crazy adventure i'm about to go on.

i am learning about trusting Him. for everything. to be everything. in everything.
i am learning to thank Him. for everything. in everything. because He is. everything.

so much more

i fell off the running bandwagon for a bit.
it was maybe for a few weeks, but it felt like years. {indoor running really bites.}
i'm happy the weather is somewhat decent again.
we went to my parents' friday-saturday and i brought my running gear and actually psyched myself up to go for a run.
my brother convinced me to go on a trail i was pretty familiar with so i mapped out just over 5km and went for it.
it was drizzly. and kinda cool {weather-wise}, but running on a trail? beside a river? with the birds chirping?
so good.

as i ran i sang in my head a few verses of "nothing but the blood" in time with the pounding of my shoes on the path,

what can wash away my sin?
nothing but the blood of Jesus;
what can make me whole again?
nothing but the blood of Jesus.


oh! precious is the flow
that makes me white as snow;
no other fount i know,
nothing but the blood of Jesus.


it was good to run and clear my head; to sing {in my head} and pray and talk with Jesus and think about Him and what He gave for me.
i thought about what amazing grace it was that i could even just breathe in and out as i pushed my body to run a little bit faster.

it was good.
the boys had just had an egg hunt at my parents' and it was fun to watch noah hop along and scoop up some eggs and find the little presents my dad had stashed for them.
we had brunch and later on went on to jamie's side of the family where we were inundated with candy, chocolate and more candy.
i'm still struggling to figure out how to live in this world and yet to teach my boys that there is so much more to easter {and christmas and life!} than chocolate and candy and food and presents. there is so much more to be gained by knowing Jesus.
and yet
there are sweet memories to be gained by redeeming and enjoying some of our culture's traditions and teaching our children that yes, we do fun things like open presents on christmas and search for chocolate eggs at easter. but without Jesus it's all meaningless.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.


For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.


In him was life, and the life was the light of men.

ps i'm totally doing an egg hunt for the boys tomorrow morning. and because we brought home at least 10lbs of candy/chocolate yesterday the only thing that will be edible is pocky. {i'm not a meanie, i promise. my kids go ape-shit crazy for it!} i put pennies, nickels and dimes in plastic eggs and little veggietales characters will be their little gift. i think it's going to be a winner, folks.

thoughts about lent

I didn't grow up practicing or participating or even really knowing about Lent. 
I'm not sure when I heard about it, but for the past few years I've started to look more into it and sometimes I give something up - or at least attempt to. 
For some reason this year my heart has been inclined toward Lent; to make it count, to prepare my heart and focus on Jesus and the suffering he took on for me. 
Upon doing some more research I found that there is more to Lent than just "giving something up". Wikipedia says that "there are three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent; prayer (justice towards God), fasting (justice towards self), and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour)."

Recently the pastor at our church spoke about the discipline of fasting and how it's a gift to us as Christians to practice this and rely on the Holy Spirit. It's something that's assumed of us as Christians (Matthew 6:16 says "when you fast..." not if, but when.) and it's something that Jesus himself did. I don't regularly fast, but I'm seriously considering making it a part of my life whether on a monthly or seasonal basis, I'm not sure yet. But it's something I felt the Holy Spirit saying to me, "Listen to this. Pray and seek me on this.". And so I'm going to. 

According to Wikipedia, justice (referring back to Wikipedia's definition of Lent) is the concept of moral rightness based on some form of ethics or law and that punishment occurs when there is a breach of those ethics. 
Romans 3:28 says that we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from works of the law so I know that I have already been justified, but I do like the idea of focusing on God, myself and my neighbour in a way that is more purposeful and deliberate.
So with all that, here is what I'm aiming for during this time of Lent.


I'm giving up sugar - nothing like giving up all breads or not eating fruit, but candy, sweets, desserts, sugary cereals or other sugary breakfast items will be what I'm focusing on fasting from.
I also really want to focus on my bible reading plan: for slackers and shirkers - I've been coming and going with it and I really want to make a concerted effort to stick with it, rely on God and seek him during this time for my contentment and fulfillment.
I want to be in prayer for specific things: 
1. God's will and plan for our family as it relates to expanding it. We're not there yet, but it's something I continue to think and dream about on a daily basis. I want to be at peace with whatever He has in store for us. 
2. the Orphan crisis and my/our role in it. 
3. my husband and my children. Especially for this next transition and phase in our lives. 
4. specifically for Noah and how incredibly strong-willed he is. how to teach and instruct him. for wisdom to take the necessary steps to guide him and to know what those steps are and for the Holy Spirit to bind the spirit of defiance and stubbornness in him but without breaking his spirit.


As for "almsgiving", I'm still not sure exactly where or what God would have me do during the next 40 days (Lent starts this Wednesday) but I think my eyes will be open and I will be praying for opportunities and I know God is always waiting to present us with opportunities to be His eyes and ears, his hands and feet and to speak words of Love and Truth into peoples' lives if we are only willing to be open and step out in faith.

quiet

how glorious to wake up when my body told me i had slept enough (8:30!). 

the boys are at my parents' house until this evening so i took advantage of a quiet, unhurried morning and enjoyed a muffin and the Word. 

i'm continuing to see how Holy God is. it's hard because it reveals how sinful i am. and that's never a fun experience. but it is a wonderful experience to meet with God. in the morning. 

how long has it been since i've done that?

so thankful for His new mercies. every.single.morning. whether i meet with him then or not.

wow.

heat and grace

The past two nights have been deathly hot.

It was 29 degrees on the main floor last night - I don't even want to think about how hot it was upstairs!

Both boys slept in their diapers. No jammies.

Both boys had trouble sleeping. At least when Noah woke up at 11:30 (?) last night and wanted to come downstairs and play I was able to appease him with his water bottle - which he wanted to sleep with and of course I let him because why wouldn't I? (I held my breath as I shut the door to his room and walked away. Praise the Lord, he went back to sleep!)

It's been hot, but it's funny how you do adapt to it. At first I was grumpy our a/c wasn't working. I was reminded by my dear husband that if we lived in a hot, third world country we wouldn't have a/c there either. True, true, my dear. (But I was still hot.)

But after a few days of scorchers, I'm still hot, but it's just what it is now.

The a/c will be fixed eventually and we'll have the luxury of being cool inside while it is HOT outside. This is grace, I think.

For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

James 1:11

Good Friday Meditation

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

But God,

being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:1-10