lately...

In my ears
The Oh Hellos - Through the Deep, Dark Valley

I've been listening to this album on repeat. Over and over and over again and I can't get enough of it. Usually my life and my days are so full of noise that I don't have time right away to listen to lyrics {this isn't ideal, but it's my current state of reality} but I enjoy the musical-ness of it. After listening to this album for probably the seventh time in a row, some of the lyrics stuck out and sunk in and I realized that they are likely Christians. Which is pretty cool. I like it when people who love Jesus make great art/music.

Such great music.

And how amazing is this one:

In my heart & in my house
Pizza night

We'd already done one pizza night and it ended up being on Mother's Day with me working pretty hard to make enough pizza from scratch to feed 14 adults. I had a few helpers, but it was a bit lonely and not very much fun although I do enjoy serving people and loving them by feeding them.
Last night, though, we made pizza night a team event and I had tons of cheese graters, veggie choppers, and pizza dough mixers. The music was playing and I took the opportunity to grill one of our interns on his love life. Because I can. Ha!
I looked around at our team enjoying pizza and as I continued to roll out the dough I smiled deeply and felt incredibly satisfied. This is what I want and this is what I envision when I say I love to host people. I love having people in my home and eating together. This is, I think, the ultimate goal of hospitality. Not rushing around doing it all on my own, but the loving each other, the talking and laughing with each other and the eating and preparing together.

On my Kindle
Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist {on sale for $3.99 today!}

This book is delicious and inspiring and hopeful and exciting.
I've been reading it and wanting to shout "YES!" at so many moments, but I don't because there's usually a sleeping baby within earshot.
It's a collection of essays about life and faith and celebrating the two with friends around your table with amazing food. And how we all should do it. Here are a few quotes:

"Life at the table is life at its best to me, and the spiritual significance of what and how we eat, and with whom and where, is new and profound to me every day."

"Get comfortable with people in your home, with the mess and the chaos. Focus on making people comfortable, on creating a space protected from the rush and chaos of daily life, a space full of laughter and safety and soul."

"I want my kids to learn firsthand and up close that different isn't bad, but instead that different is exciting and wonderful and worth taking the time to understand. I want them to see themselves as bit players in a huge, sweeping, beautiful play, not as the main characters in the drama of our living room. I want my kids to taste and smell and experience the biggest possible world, because every bite of it, every taste and texture and flavor is delicious."

So good, right? Ugh. So good.

Oh did I tell you I ate grasshoppers? I was influenced by my own child. We had fried grasshoppers one night but I was putting Blaise down for bed. The next afternoon there were some left over and Jude picked one up and said, "Can I eat it?" and I said, "Sure!" and he seemed hesitant so I encouraged him to try one. He said, "Can I stick my tongue on it?" and I told him that he could and when he licked it, his eyes lit up and he said they tasted salty and then promptly stuck the whole thing in his mouth and went back to eat a few more. Then he handed me one and asked if I would eat one.
People. It's a grasshopper. It's gross looking. I could see the eyes! But I couldn't say that I wasn't willing to try something to Jude when he had just shown me that he was willing to try something new. So I popped one in. It wasn't bad. Kinda like popcorn. I was expecting a spurt or something disgusting. But it was fine. Then I even ate one again so Jamie could get it on camera. Because I'm awesome like that.

Barcelona with the kiddos

Last year after our conference in Nerja, we took a train to Madrid and spent a few days there. This year we decided to go to Barcelona. We ended up spending longer in Barcelona and thankfully the weather was so much warmer than it was last year in Madrid.
We had some good moments and some hard moments, but I think that's just how it goes when you go on vacation with young kids.
We did a lot of walking.
We went to the science center which was really cool.

indoor Rain forest and aquarium

We had McDonald's! Actually we ate quite a bit of McDonald's. I think this is in large part to being kid-friendly and we've been in Africa for a year and a half. 

I think this probably qualifies as some of the worst parents. Feeding your 4 month old McDonald's. Sheesh.

My favourite day was our stroll along La Rambla. It's a street that's got a huge walkway down the middle where vendors sell delicious smelling ice-cream and candies or small pets or typical kitschy souvenirs.

Blaise happily slept in the carrier for the entire time and the boys enjoyed looking at everything we passed.

We went into La Boquieria {a really cool market} and drooled over all the delicious produce and chocolate.

They even have these people that pretend to be statues and if you put money into their bucket they do something funny and let you take their picture. I wanted the boys to come and do it but they were a bit apprehensive so I showed them with this guy:

Babywearin' and shooting a gun. That's how we roll around here.

I really wanted to take the boys for churros and hot chocolate. We walked down these incredibly narrow alley ways and went around a corner and stumbled upon this huge, old church with gorgeous stained glass windows. Amazing. I love Europe!

So let me tell you; this hot chocolate was exactly that. Melted chocolate with a bit of hot milk. It was incredibly thick. So thick and sweet that my boy with the sweet tooth {Noah. He takes after me.} couldn't even finish his!

We walked around Parc Guell and got some great views of the city:

We had a really good time even though we were all sick and made the most of our time in Spain.
As we plan our travels back to Canada we are still debating if we'll take some vacation days on the way - somewhere in the UK or Europe. Jamie and I dream of a vacation with just the two of us but for now, we plan our vacations to be kid-friendly. For the most part.

Suggestions for traveling with kids:

Consider renting an apartment instead of staying at a hotel. It's often cheaper, comes with all the amenities and you get the feeling of actually living in the city, instead of just visiting. You will also be able to save money by purchasing groceries and making at least one of your meals every day {for us it was breakfasts and often dinners}.

Find some indoor and outdoor activities so you can plan your days according to the weather. We had a really windy day which made it seem colder than it was (around 10 degrees). We spent most of that day walking around the Science Center.

Don't be so driven to complete your agenda of "SEEING ALL THE THINGS" that you all end up miserable and tired. We had many meltdowns and the stroller that was intended for Blaise, ended up being used by Jude while I wore Blaise in the carrier. Everyone wins!

Be flexible. And then laugh a lot and do things you wouldn't normally do {like eat McDonalds almost every day or let your kids stay up later than usual}.

What are your tips for traveling with kids to places that aren't specifically geared towards kids? {ie. Not a resort with kids program, Disney World, etc.}

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: love

this is the final entry in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
click on the links to read part one, part two, part three and part four.

becoming a mom helped me to see the selfish idea of love that i had. sure i was married. sure jamie and i had dated for 4 years {plus 10 months being engaged}. but having kids and becoming a mom opened my eyes to my shallow definition of love. jamie and i had sailed through our first couple years of marriage with relative ease. sure we had fights, but we probably would have had even less if i had learned to really love and put his needs before my own.

but becoming a mother taught me about how to 

love.

i remember sitting at a dinner table with a close friend of mine and watching her give up her strawberries from her salad for her son who loved {at that time} all fruit and vegetables that were red. i understood, but i couldn't imagine gladly giving up a fruit that was one of my favourites. {so immature, right?}

just today i have wiped two different children's bums and also picked up a large turd off the floor and deposited into the toilet {where it belongs}. 

i probably got 5-6 hours of sleep last night. and the littlest little is screaming his heart out in rejection of his nap. that he very much needs right now. {that i very much need him to take.}

i have listened to many a children's cd that i can't stand because it brings them happiness.

today is jamie's birthday and i managed to scrap together a slice of banana bread and vanilla earl grey tea for his birthday breakfast this morning. {he was very gracious and gladly accepted.}

i repeat myself over and over and over again as i attempt to teach my boys how to speak politely to grown-ups. 

i pray for my boys - for who they are. for who i hope they will be. 

i have devoured dozens of books on parenting. 

i have read the same bedtime story for months in a row.

their loves and passions have become mine. their accomplishments are exciting and joy-filling to participate in with them.

i have devoted countless hours discussing with friends about parenting challenges and issues with my kids. 

in learning to love these little boys, i have already gained a wider understanding of what it means to love my husband. it's hard. we have not so easily sailed through these last 5 years. no sir. i have learned what is meant by the saying "marriage is work". it is. but although our lives are so different now and sometimes we reminisce what it was like before we had kids, i wouldn't change a thing. having kids has deepened our love for each other and strengthened our marriage. 

love doesn't always mean giving my kids what they want, but it does mean that i'd gladly give them something that i used to selfishly keep to myself. whether it's a strawberry or my time...i'm learning to love with a more selfless, Christ-like love. 

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: slow down

part four in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here, part two here and part three here.


this has been a lesson i've whole-heartedly engaged in over this past year.

slow down.

i'm going to be honest here. we lead a pretty slow life here. some would call it boring. heck, some days i would call it boring. we {the kids and i} don't often leave the house. we don't have preschool or kindergarten to go to. we don't do extracurricular activities and have struggled to find a church to belong to. there are no sidewalks here and walking along the road you're likely to get side-swiped by a taxi {public transit-type van} or a bodaboda {motorcycle}. there aren't public libraries or swimming pools here. we have nothing we're obligated to attend here and for awhile it felt wrong to be so unencumbered by programs or places. 
but then i thought about it for a moment and realized it was a gift. i will never have time like this again with my children. my children will never again be this age and giving me all of their time. every single minute of every single day is spent soaking up time with me. to some this might sound like a death sentence, but i've chosen to see it as a gift and a blessing. i always wanted to be a mom. i wanted to stay at home and raise my kids and right now? now i get to. 
it's amazing to me that noah is 5 and jude is 3 and blaise? he's 6 weeks old as of today! 

i've learned {and am continuing to learn} the beauty and value in slowing down. living in the moment. time goes by fast enough without me wishing for the next stage. how sad it would be for me to blink and realize that i'm 75 years old and i've spent my entire life wishing for time to go by faster so i can get to "insert a time in the future here". there is beauty in the here and now with my children. 

the long, lanky legs of my 5 year old, racing up and down our driveway. 
the hilarious "hey wait" that jude says every other sentence.
the sweet coos from blaise as he makes eye contact with me.

these are the moments that disappear before i can appreciate where i am if i'm always looking for what's coming up next.

i am tired and sleep deprived and sometimes short on patience, but this time is short and it will pass and i will have difficulty remembering the harder moments. all i will remember will be the sweet moments of sitting with jude on my lap at the table as we draw pictures together and giggle at the way jude calls a scarf a "scarft". the moments where noah throws his arm around jamie as they sit together on the couch. the moments of holding a sweetly sleeping baby who sighs and smiles in his sleep. these are the ones i want to remember and soak up.

so i am learning to slow down. in fact, this one lesson has been so incredibly valuable and precious to me that i already have small fears creeping in about returning to canada and the fast pace of life that i will encounter and undoubtedly struggle with. but that will be another lesson to be learned. all in good time, right?

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: trust your instinct

part three in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here and part two here.


the panic and anxiety inside me was building up. i felt sweaty and a bit frantic. i ripped into the last few remaining presents with gusto while pasting an attempt at a calm smile on my face.

it's okay. he's fine. i'll go get him in just a second. i don't want to keep you all here any longer.

i could hear noah's cries start to get more and more frenzied and my heart beat just a little bit faster. my palms were sweaty. finally at their urging i got up from my present-opening and went and got my baby from the upstairs and after a quick feed and an attempt at calming both of us down, i came back out to the baby shower. my baby shower.
this was supposed to be happy and joyous and exciting. all these women were here to celebrate the birth of my first child. so then why did i feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours?
after the last of the women left i did go back upstairs into my parents' bedroom and cry and cry.

so i had post partum depression after noah was born. the mad torrent of emotions and hormones swirling around inside of me combined with unrealistic expectations and a head full of knowledge of how things should be {plus the sleep deprivation of having a newborn} led to me feeling confused, desperate and unhappy.

i am a knowledge specialist by nature. that is to say, when i'm interested in something i will google the heck out of it, borrow books from friends, the library and ask anyone and everyone who will answer me on that subject. i did this when i was pregnant with noah. i read about pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenting philosophies. i think there is a value to gaining insight and looking into things you're not sure about, but in this case i forgot one major part of parenting;

trust your instinct.

i forgot to trust my natural gut feeling as a new mother. i just read the books and thought everything would fall into place accordingly. so when things didn't turn out and i had a screaming baby and my hormones were screaming just as loudly i fell apart. 
after about 3 months of feeling antisocial and unhappy and constantly on edge and worrying about if the baby would start crying again, the clouds lifted and my hormones leveled out somewhat. i decided to implement a routine and things started to become more manageable.

but when noah turned 6 months, we were on a plane to tanzania, africa for two months. this was a huge step of faith for me, but it turned out to be one of the most valuable parenting experiences for me. internet wasn't readily available. i didn't have my friends with me to ask my questions. all i had was me. so i learned to trust my instinct. i learned not to be so rigid in my expectations. i learned the value in having a routine, but not being a schedule-nazi and that diverting from our usual routine every now and then wasn't the end of the world. 
i learned to trust that i was a good mother for noah and that i could trust my instinct to hold him or to let him cry, to keep him up or breastfeed him to sleep. 

noah on safari in tanzania

me on the carrick-a-rede rope bridge in northern ireland with noah. this thing freaked me out. 

as noah has grown and i've had two other babies since then, i've been a lot more easy-going {like i thought i would be from the very beginning!} and i've really learned to just go with the flow. i've listened to my gut on things like whether or not we needed to take noah to the hospital for a dislocated elbow {before we knew what it was, of course}. i've trusted my instinct on delaying potty training, giving up on cloth diapering and moving our family to uganda. 
there are countless stories from other moms who have regretted not trusting their instinct about different things concerning their child's development. there are also countless stories about moms who have trusted their instinct and pushed for answers and were right despite others telling them nothing was wrong. 

my approach now to things is to use a combination of books and resources {including friends and other people} but to think about how their advice/recommendation fits with my child, my children and/or my family. if it's not working for our family as a whole, it's likely not going to work or last for very long.

so if you're a new mom, don't forget to put that book down every now and then and trust what feels right for you and your family. you are the best mom for your child and whether you choose breast or bottle, CIO or co-sleeping, to wait it out with baby tylenol or a trip to the hospital, don't forget to trust your instinct. it's God-given and it's unique to you and your child. 

i think if i could go back and tell PPD vanessa anything, it would be this, from 2 timothy 1:7,

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

as someone who loves Jesus, i know that i have his spirit within me and i can trust that He is guiding me and will give me wisdom in all situations - including parenting!

*as a side note, if you are struggling with PPD, please talk to someone and get some help. it doesn't always clear on its own and feeling unhappy and depressed and desperate isn't normal. here are a few resources to get you started. Post-Partum Support International, PPD/PPA resources

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: let go

part two in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here.


parenting is a funny thing. often it's a balancing act between two things that seem to be at odds with one another.
hold on.

let go.

the boys select rocks to throw into the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain

we were sitting in the bus that was taking us back to our hotel in jinja after spending 2 hours cruising the nile. i watched noah as he sat across from me in his own seat. bumping and jostling about with no seat belt down the red dirt roads here in uganda. i never knew what it was to really worry until i had kids. in my head i pictured so many different scenarios in which he could get hurt. i had to bite my tongue so i wouldn't be a broken record,

hold on, buddy. 
please make sure you're being careful. 
sit properly in your seat so you don't get hurt, noah.

i didn't tell him to hold on. or be careful. i just watched him as he looked out the window and pointed out all the things he was seeing. i watched him as he eventually turned around in his seat and his head started to droop. i watched him as he fell asleep about 5 minutes from our hotel. so big. yet so little.

jude wanders off by himself on safari - classic jude

i'm learning to let go. i'm learning not to hold onto my children in fear, but to let go of them and help them develop at every stage they hit. to help them become independent young men who will one day make their own way in the world. i'm learning to teach as i live and let go of the need for perfection in day-to-day activities. to explain to noah what i'm doing as i mix the pancake batter. to let him dump in just a bit too much flour and struggle to stir the thick cookie dough together.

letting go of any hope of a well-cleaned car...

when we decided to come to uganda i had to let go of fears i didn't know i had. i had to let go of fears i was well aware that i had. i can't hold onto my children forever for fear that they will get hurt or experience pain or disappointment. it is in those trials that they develop strong character and become people who will go on to do great things. we are all shaped through pain and trials. if we try to protect our children from all pain and adversity we will end up shriveled and anxious from worry and our children will be coddled and unable to function in the world without us. and having {grown} children who are dependent of us is not the end goal of parenting.

so i let go and in turn help my children to work it out by themselves. not always jumping in to take over. not always nagging and reminding them to "be safe", "be careful", or "watch out". i help my boys to one day become men. i hold onto them, but not in fear. i let go of them in confidence and with encouragement that they can do it and if they fail, that's okay too. because you don't go far in life if you only stick to "safe".
it's not always easy for me to bite my tongue {and often times i don't} and i sometimes get caught up in my "worst case scenarios" in my head, but once again i am given this opportunity to trust God to help me to let go and trust Him with my littles, just as He has entrusted them to me.

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: hold on

in honour of my oldest "baby" turning 5 next week {what?! how did that even happen?}, i was inspired to write about 5 things i've learned since becoming a mom.

hold on

i don't mean that we as parents should hold on in an unhealthy way. i mean hold onto those moments. those fleeting moments that may be your last with them because they've moved on to the next development. breathe in that newborn smell and close your eyes. soak it up. feel the softness of their skin, the pinkness of their feet. cherish the way your toddler wants you and only you for comfort. listen to the stories your 4 year old tells you with such imagination and attention to detail. one day they might not be as forthcoming with their thoughts and stories. hold onto those moments. hold their hands. they might not {and probably won't} want you to hold their hands forever.

blaise gets some "daddy time".

as a first time mom i was really just focusing on surviving those first few months. i had a mild case of post-partum depression and i was in a dark place. i was anxious and paranoid. it was difficult for me to hold onto those moments and yet somehow my memory of noah as a baby is far more vivid than of jude as a baby and probably than my memories of blaise as a baby will be. i'm not sure why that is {although it probably has something to do with not having two older boys to keep busy and take care of}, but i do know that i spent lots of time holding him, rocking him, crying while nursing in the middle of the night {again} and stressing over every little thing. he was my world and i focused nearly all my energies on "keeping him alive" and relishing in his every new development. this is why i smile when i see first time mom's post tons of pictures of their baby's first *insert any "first" that a baby can have* or a 10 minute video waiting for their baby to roll over. they are "holding on" to those moments and they want the world to know about this marvelous new development with "the cutest baby in the world". {because every parent thinks their child is the cutest.}

cuddles with a sick noah

as a third-time mom i am well aware of the fact that this time is precious and will fly by far more quickly than i am prepared for - and not just with blaise, but with my older two boys as well. i will not always have a three and {almost} five year old. jude will not always say "yup" in that quiet, cute way. noah will not always want or need me to read him stories. blaise is growing faster than i thought was possible.

more cuddles with a sick jude

yes, it's hard. yes, it sometimes sucks. yes, it's incredibly sanctifying to be a mother and a parent. there's nothing like a little mirror to show you all the ugliness you never knew you had in you.
God knows that i fail at this every.single.day. but regardless, it's something i've learned and continue to learn.
so hold onto your babies while they are still young. they will never want or need you like they have you now so hold onto it and remind yourself of this every.single.day. on the days when i don't remember what's really important at this stage, it's all-too-easy to get resentful for my lack of "me" time, or the way they always need me or want to tell me something or show me something and want me to play with them or read them a book. it's crazy how quickly i become self-centered when this time is so limited and my children are so precious. what is honestly more important that pouring into my children, spending time with them and teaching them? i can't think of a single thing.

and so in five years as a mama, i've learned the importance of holding on.