Thursday, December 31, 2009

Sum it up

You are almost over.
It really has flown by.
I remarked to my Dad today that when you're older, the years go by so much faster than when you're a child.
I asked him if his memories from when HE was a child are clearer than when WE were kids. He said definitely.
I pondered that perhaps when you're a kid time goes by SO much slower and so memories have more time to sink in. Your brain is still forming and maybe things impress themselves on your memory so much more stronger than they would otherwise.
I don't want for my child-raising days to be a blur. But I've already forgotten so much (thank goodness I blogged so diligently with Noah and am trying to continue for both boys).
Anyway, 2009 has been a hard year.
(Beth, how's the good but hard/challenging but rewarding word coming along?)
But good.
We moved when I was 7 & 8 months pregnant (one move OUT of our apartment and one move INTO our house).
We moved into a house!
We survived multiple flus and colds during May & June.
I had an amazing and relatively pain-free home birth and ended up with my sweet baby Jude.
We've entered the waters of toddlerhood and have tried to figure out how to parent a clingy two-year-old.
I've wrestled (and continue to wrestle) with who I am, how I be a Mom and a Wife as well as the many other "titles" I carry.
I've walked the paths of post partum depression and am walking more and more in the light (though often it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Moving forward, but often moving a little slower than I'd like to).
I've learned to ask for and accept help.
I've broken down and been built up.
I've discovered 2 beautiful circles of ladies that are becoming more and more dear to me and could not have come into my life at a better time.
There is much light in my life.
And praise be to God that the Light is greater than the darkness.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


This evening after dinner I sat down to quickly check out Facebook and whatnot and Noah comes into the kitchen with two pillows from the couch and says, "I lie down" and proceeds to lie down on the kitchen floor. My heart totally melted. I told him if he wanted me to lie down with him of course I would, but we'd lie down in the living room. So we squished onto his little pull-out Buzz Lightyear bed with the pillows and "Mommy's blankey" and watched a Christmas Veggie Tales episode together. It was so sweet and reminded me of the importance of being PRESENT with my kids. It's all too easy to be in the same space as them and yet not giving them my attention. Because of this, I got to spend a few sweet minutes with Noah cuddling and enjoying each other.

christmas is finally here!

I caught it. Finally.
Today I got excited for Christmas. The joy, the anticipation, the excitement finally overcame me. I stopped thinking about all the work, the travel, the exhaustion and...uh, did I mention the work (?) that comes and will come with Christmas. Now more than ever with 2 little ones.
But for some reason I got into the Christmas spirit today. I read a beautiful poem my sister sent me that you can read here that just made me remember and dwell upon the true meaning of Christmas. Thinking about how Mary must have felt. Thinking about how Joseph must have felt. Wow. What a night. What an adventure. Amazing.
I watched The Polar Express with Noah (he was pretty excited about the "choo choo").
I thought about my family (MY family - Jamie, Noah, Jude). How I love them. How I'm so
thankful for them. How did I get so blessed? Why did God choose to bless ME with two healthy boys? I want to continue to become more like what Paul said he was, "Content in all situations." (my paraphrase).
Jamie asked me today if I think that I "HAVE to watch the boys" or I "GET to watch the boys". I pondered this. And then I said I have thought BOTH things.
I've been thinking about family.
I'm excited to see my family and friends and spend some time with them.
I'm excited to see my boys and watch them interact with our families.
I'm excited to eat good food!
I am excited and thankful and humbled by how much I have in my life. Family. Friends. Support. Love. Grace. Mercy. Understanding. Health.
Wow. I am a woman blessed.
Thanks be to Jesus.
The reason for EVERY season. (cheesy? Probably. but true!)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

good and hard

Last week we were up north for some training with work. I debated whether I'd go or not, but not for very long. It was the lesser of the two evils in my mind so I decided we'd go.
It was a good week.
I got to have some really good times of fellowship and chatting with some very dear friends - usually in the evenings once the kids had all gone to sleep.
But it was still hard. Noah would have at least one tantrum per meal. Screaming and throwing himself around. It was hard. And frustrating. It's food for goodness sakes! Delicious food too!
But in general it was a good trip. Noah stopped his screaming at bedtimes and naptimes and slept through the night without waking up at all.
Jude woke up more frequently, but I could deal with that (aka just giving him the boob to make him go back to sleep). (Although now I'm having to help him relearn that he can sleep for longer stretches without getting food!)

Anyway, I'm glad to be back home with a WONDERFUL bed to sleep in (unlike the hard taco Jamie and I called "our bed" for 5 days!) and so far the good sleep has continued (with both boys sleeping in today - Jude 'til 8:15 and Noah 'til 8:50!).

Jason Mraz

Today I heard this on the radio:

Needless to say I was hooked. :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Ponderings of my heart

I stepped out briefly this afternoon to pick up a few things from the store (ie. cold medicine!) while Jamie stayed back with both boys. I briefly reflected/reminisced about my days before kids. What did I do with all my time? Did I feel such reward and purpose? Did I feel such frustration and anger? Did I see such ugliness in me? Did I experience such personal growth? Did I receive such love and grace? 


There is a season for everything. 


I still miss those days sometimes. 

Then when I got home Jamie brought it up, "Remember before we had kids?" 

Yeah. I remember. Sorta. But I'd never wish away my boys for what we had then. 

There is a season for everything.


Then I thought about Noah. About his days. What he does all day long, what he must think...

The first year of a child's life looks so simple, easy, almost boring...but on the inside their brains are buzzing. They are learning SO MUCH. Even on the outside, when one stops to think about all the changes they go through, everything they need to and do's amazing! 


There is a season for everything.


I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting room last week with Jude and two little chatty girls (they were 6 and 7 years old - they told me) were talking a mile a minute. It was fun. I mostly just smiled and asked questions - they did a LOT of talking. One of them asked me if Jude could talk. Then she asked me if he could walk. I thought this was funny. Mainly because she had a 15 month old brother sitting in her Mom's lap. To kids...things happen at such a different rate in their heads than in ours. They measure things by sleeps, or the length of a Sponge Bob show (or whatever kids that age watch). We measure things by years. By semesters. By seasons. 


I guess I've just been pondering a lot these days. I think it's the Christmas season. 


There is a season for everything.


Noah already seems to be growing up into a little boy and yet he's still so young. The extremes he falls into - one second a little boy, putting on his socks by himself and saying, "I deed eet!" and the next second throwing a screaming fit on the floor like a baby unable to communicate with words. Sometimes I wish I could throw myself on the floor and scream.


There is a season for everything.


Uh, except for maybe throwing yourself on the floor and screaming. 


I told Jamie the other day, "I've never been a Mom to two little boys before.". It's hard. I'm not going to lie. But it's good. It's really good. And it's stretching me. I always knew I was somewhat lazy, but becoming a Mom has shown me how lazy and selfish I really am. I still fall back into my lazy, selfish tendencies (uh, all the time...) but becoming a Mom was the best thing that happened to me. It's made me - or at least it's MAKING me - into a better person. 
The thing is, I just don't want to become a DIFFERENT person completely. Just a better one. A person who is so much closer to becoming who Christ had in mind when he thought of me before the foundations of the earth were created. 


There is a season for everything.


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