Friday, December 28, 2012

on not being "here" forever

i don't really like griping and groaning on my blog. but perhaps that's why i've been so scarce around here lately. jamie and i feel like we're running on empty and while we know it's just for a time, blaise is wearing us down. barely napping at all during the day, doing decently at night, but it really depends - sometimes the nights are bad too. and then we've got two older ones who have had far too much screen time and seem to constantly need us to entertain them or they're at each others' throats.

needless to say, life is not super easy or fun at the moment. not that i expect it to, but it's sometimes hard to be stuck at home in a country with very little support and no family nearby. i know this phase will pass. i know it will. but that doesn't make the here and now any easier.

God is still good. and good to us. i know He hasn't left us and He gives us daily mercies as we fail daily at this whole parenting/missionary/life thing. He gives us good things and we are thankful. and Christmas was actually quite lovely. full and tiring, but good. not stressful.

my friend kelly was over yesterday and i was sharing some things i've been reflecting on lately. it was good to know my brain isn't completely mushy and that i am taking time {when i'm rocking blaise for the fiftieth time} to process and reflect on my life here and this past year as well as think about what 2013 will look like for us. to know that we won't always be in this stage. to know that the future holds good things for us and while the future won't be free of difficulties or hardships, it's nice to know in my heart that even though i feel worn thin and physically exhausted, i'm not going to be here forever. i'm not going to be in kampala forever. i'm not going to be in this phase forever. i'm not going to be a mom to little boys forever. i'm not going to be on earth forever. it all passes.

i don't say all this to receive sympathy or pity. i know i'm not alone. i'm not despondent. i'm thankfully not experiencing PPD this time around. and i know we'll be into a new phase of life soon enough and that this time won't be our lives for forever. but if you're feeling this way, please know that you're not alone either. the trenches of life {whether you are married and have kids or are single or whatever your situation} can feel really deep and cold and sludgy with mud sometimes. but we're not here forever. life is forever changing. and then it's done. i guess that's why they say, "carpe diem"!

in the meantime, Lord give me strength...


  1. Vaness. Love this post and the honesty and its relatability. Hooray for changing seasons (if only we could control when they happened!)

    I know I've said it a hundred times, but I really wish I could come hug you, cuddle Blaise and give y'all an afternoon off.

  2. dear vanessa,

    what a great, relfective post. i NEEDED to hear that. i echo beth x1000! i cannot wait to hug you tightly, and then eat and drink tea and just be able to know you are near (:

    SO thankful that we have seasons..

    1. thanks, aban. gosh i miss you! looking forward to drinking tea with you when you're a mrs.!

  3. Is my heart in one of those packages? I lost it recently! love you and I pray that the trip to Spain for conference will be a full injection of new vision, new energy and refueling!
    xo Mom

  4. great post, and


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