Tuesday, November 20, 2007

4 weeks

I wasn't sure where to post this, but I decided that since it's more about how motherhood is affecting me and not so much Noah's progress that The Typing Fiend was where it belonged.

These past (almost) 4 weeks have been hard. Good, amazing and I love Noah beyond what I ever thought I could...but it's been really really hard. On a few levels.
1. lack of sleep - although Noah's been doing really well with sleeping at night (usually a stretch of 4 hours and then maybe a 3 hour stretch and a 2 1/2 hour stretch and going back to sleep right away - usually) it's still been considerably less than I'm used to and that's taken a toll on me physically and emotionally.
2. being needed almost on a 24 hour basis is amazing but also ridiculously taxing. It's something I can't even explain how it's both so wonderful and yet so frustrating - especially at 3:30am.
3. the struggle with guilt in so many areas is quite perplexing. I feel guilty sometimes when I do this or don't do that and wonder "Should I be doing this? Should I not? Should I feel this way? Am I a bad mother for doing this? What kind of mother does that?" It's like an assault that I feel in a lot of tough(er) decisions I end up making or the feelings I have for certain things - like my love of sleep and desire for it can be quite strong that it turns into frustration.

Anyway, I just need to remind myself of a few things:
a) just go with the flow.
b) don't feel pressure to go or do things. If you want to stay at home all day because leaving is too stressful, feel free.
c) this too shall pass.
d) he will only be this little once. Now that's a sobering thought!
e) though this I am being refined and sanctified and my ugly selfishness is being revealed in new ways so that I might grow and be changed into someone more beautiful because I reflect the patient, loving character of Christ.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Vaness! I can't imagine how tough and tired some days must be! But press on! I think you have the right things there to keep reminding yourself of...and just remember, at least your baby doesn't look like Tom.


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