research

my personality, in general, is one of a researcher. when i'm insterested in something or passionate about something i research. i read, read, read - books, magazines, articles, blogs, anything i can find on that particular subject/thing/issue.
when i was pregnant with noah i read a lot. i read books on pregnancy, birth, and labour. i asked people for their birth stories and found some online too*.
i read books on parenting philosophies including everything from babywise to attatchment parenting.
jamie's nana even wrote out her birth stories for me which i absolutely and completely loved!
i loved hearing the horrible worst-case-scenarios and the oh-my-gosh-it-was-perfect stories. i wanted to know everything.
but at some point all the research combined with some PPD made for one overwhelmed, anxious and paranoid mama who didn't have any confidence in her own maternal instinct.
research is so great and valuable, but at some point you need to take what you've read, glean the principles and mold them to your situation. because your situation is completely unique in at least some way and it's going to look different for everyone.
it took me going across the globe to africa, away from all my precious books and dependable internet for me to learn how to trust my instinct and my God-given ability and privilege to be noah's mama. picked out specifically for noah and he for me. noah was 6 months old at the time and it was the best thing for all of us.
since then i've occasionally referred to books or online resources for different questions i've had but nothing like my initial frenzy of reading.
but now i find myself compeltely depleted of wisdom and knowledge of how to navigate these murky waters of preschoolerhood that i find myself in. so it's back to the books.
this time, however, i'll be able to take it all in with a grain of salt and figure out how to balance what i know of my child with the principles and ideas presented.

also, funny story: on my way out of the library as i'm wrestling to keep two very rambunctious, hungry and somewhat cranky boys under control i am sure the librarian was totally chuckling to herself as she scanned these books out for me. it also might explains why she was so helpful by putting my many books into my bag for me (never once has a librarian done that for me). regardless, i was thankful.

thanks to those so far who have recommended ideas and books to me. i'm likely going to at least skim everything i can get my hands on and then delve deeper into the ones that seem to hit it home with me. keep 'em coming!


*the blogs i've linked to are all ones i found around the birth of jude, not noah. but they're good ones. if you like birth stories, read 'em! the first link is hilarious (caution, much swear-age occurs), the second one is amazing and terrifying, the third one i love how she writes and um, also, the last one (nella's birth story) is absolutely heart-breaking. read with caution. i bawled. (i actually just re-read it and bawled again. so that's that.)

confessions

i know there are others out there.
other moms out there.
other moms who have strong-willed children.
i'm not just talking about having a tantrum on the occasion or exerting their independence every now and then.
i'm talking about children who are characterized by people who barely know them as well as those who know them well as strong-willed (is that just the nice phrase we use for stubborn? defiant? i don't even know anymore).

i'm talking about my noah.

and part of me knows that it's a lot about the age he's at. the phase he's in. the developmental stage he's going through.
he's three. three is rough letmetellYOU. and it's such a ridiculous pendulum swing - for everyone because we just have no idea when the switch is going to flick and he's going to be sweet, adorable, agreeable noah instead of defiant, insolent, disobedient, out of control raging noah.
i mean, three is
"i wanna cuddle with you, mama", punching and kicking me, "i love you so much, mama", screaming and melting down anytime, anywhere he feels like it (today it was church and not wanting to go into his classroom that he's been going to for at least 6 months now and having a 10 minute tantrum that was not limited to pounding his 3 year old fists on the door), saying NO to me about something so simple it should not even be an issue, exasperating his brother, inciting his brother, being excited about reading Bible stories, making up hilarious songs, spitting at everyone, holding up his fists to people and giving them a grinchy face, putting away his toys, NOT putting away his toys, refusing to put on his own boots, INSISTING on putting on his own boots.

three is confusing. and if it's confusing for me, it's gotta be confusing for noah.
so there's grace.
but there's also a need for teaching and correction and it's my job to both teach and correct him. because if i don't, who is supposed to? is it not unrealistic for me to just expect him to learn it on his own?

someone once told me about the idea of a family's "rallying cry" which is something or someone the entire family (or at the very least the husband/wife team) can rally around and focus on for a determined amount of time or until a specific goal is met.
i think jamie and i need to rally around and behind noah. to focus in on teaching him and correcting him as he navigates the waters of being three years old. to pray for him. and pray for wisdom for us to know how to teach and correct this precious gem and blessing we've been given.

in part i've been meeting him head-on like two battling rams. i know exactly where noah gets his strong will and i can match him every step of the way. and in some situations i know and thank god that he's given me this iron will to be consistent and teach my child that i mean what i say. but i know that this isn't always the best way to address every situation. and to be honest, it's tiring. and children can sense weakness like bees can sense fear. it's wicked crazy and it is not to be messed with. for reals.

one specific step i will be taking (and blogging more about in the coming weeks) is that i've made a list of things i want to pray about/towards as part of my lent experience this year. one of these is noah. 40 days of specific, concerted prayer for my first born and how i am supposed to parent him through this season of all our lives.

so to all you mom's of strong-willed children, i know your child is different from mine and i am different from you, but have you any encouragement? advice? suggestions? anecdotes?

*you may now go back to watching the Oscars (we have no cable and streaming was so chopping it really wasn't worth it).