weekend {before Christmas} links!

It's the day of our Christmas party and I'm excited and happy that I got a lot of what needed to be done ahead of time so I can enjoy the day with my family.
The boys and I built a snowman this morning and I got to Facetime with my friend Kelly and see her brand new baby girl!
About an hour before the party I'll put together the cinnamon infused hot chocolate in one slow cooker, and the wassail in the other {thanks to my friend Christina for lending me hers!}. The cookies will get put out, the candles will be lit, the music will be playing and we will wait for our first guests.

You like the way those cookies above look? They're gingersnap s'mores and they were ridiculously easy and the perfect party food as far as I'm concerned! While I'm all for making everything from scratch, when you have a lot to do and you're hosting a bunch of people, sometimes it's best for your sanity to do things the easy way. There ain't nothing wrong with easy now, is there? Check out the instructions here for Gingersnap S'mores.

Have you seen the video with Jean Claude Van Damm where he's standing between two trucks and then does the splits? If you thought that was impressive, you can be sure Chuck Norris can make that look like doing hopscotch! Merry Christmas from Chuck Norris.

I read this blog post from Jamie the Very Worst Missionary about how Christmas isn't always candy canes and presents for everyone. It can be a difficult and painful time and we need to be aware of this {if you aren't already}. Sometimes Christmas can be sucky.

My friend Beth wrote a post the other day that speaks to this balance of experiencing joy and peace in our own lives, and yet holding in our hands the pain and suffering of those around us. She quotes CS Lewis in this: To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. Check out her post here. It is both beautiful and vulnerable. 

On the same note, if you are the praying type, would you please pray for my friend Andrew? He is battling Leukemia for the second time around and his situation is not looking good. Just today, his white blood cells have jumped to a very dangerous level and there is risk for stroke and brain hemorrhage. He's married to a close friend of mine, Suzanne and they have two little boys (aged 3 and 8 months). My heart is breaking for them and we are praying our hearts out for a miracle for Andrew.

I've posted this video before {this is a typographic version}, but every year it speaks to me so strongly and I pray it encourages you and reminds you of what we wait for during Advent season and why we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

going

So thankful to have our passports and to those who prayed! And now to finish packing...

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?

she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 

the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 

You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.

Amen.

Good Friday links

it's good friday.

we are making hot cross buns today.

we are reading the story of jesus' betrayal and death on the cross. we are remembering. lingering. thanking Him.

yesterday i wept and my tears dropped onto the picture i was painting as i listened to 'watch the lamb'. i will probably listen to it again over this weekend and weep again.

we are reenacting the easter story with these toilet paper roll figures.

Jesus, thank you. thank you for being obedient, even to death on a cross. thank you for doing it for the joy set before you. open my inner eye to see you. every moment. of every day. give me wisdom, Lord to parent these beautiful, but sinful children that you have given to me as precious gifts. give me the words to speak truth into their lives, to be You with skin on to them. today as jamie and i explain to them about your death and the importance of it in our lives, may you speak to their little hearts through us.
Thank you. Just...thank You.

emptied

life is not easy. no matter where you live.
lately i've been battling lies.
lately i haven't spent enough time with Jesus.
i've felt the lyrics of brooke fraser's song shadowfeet so deeply in my spirit these past few days.

walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home; a land that i've never seen
i am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began


and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day


when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in You, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through, i'll be found in You


there's distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but i've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way


you make all things new


i've been grasping and trying to really see Him every day. but i fail. every day i fail in some way. i am so incredibly needy and weak that i'm not really sure what i'm doing here. in uganda. in this marriage. as a mother. {those lies can be so loud sometimes} and then i throw myself before Him and beg for more of Him. and He is so faithful.

i started reading Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper for Lent. i've read this book a couple other times and every time i am so incredibly moved as i get to know my Jesus more and fall deeper in love with Him.
at the end of each chapter there is a prayer and i'd like to share these prayers with you - probably on a weekly basis.

O Father of glory, this is the cry of our hearts - to be changed from one degree of glory to another, until, in the resurrection, at the last trumpet, we are completely conformed to the image of your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Until then, we long to grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord, especially the knowledge of his glory. We want to see it as clearly as we see the sun, and to savor it as deeply as our most desired pleasure. O merciful God, incline our hearts to your Word {please, God} and the wonders of your glory. Wean us from our obsession with trivial things. Open the eyes of our hearts to see each day what the created universe is telling about your glory. Enlighten our minds to see the glory of your Son in the Gospel. We believe that you are the All-glorious One, and that there is none like you. Help our unbelief. Forgive the wandering of our affections and the undue attention we give to lesser things. Have mercy on us for Christ's sake, and fulfill in us your great design to display the glory of your grace. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.


i came across this blog yesterday and resonated with so many of her entries, but specifically one that focused on how it can be frustrating to take steps of faith and obedience and find yourself a "worser" person than before you made that step. i was encouraged as i've been feeling ugly and awful and forced to confront some pretty nasty things i see in myself {as this post shows}. when you become an awful person

prayer as a last resort

i know it shouldn't be like that, but sometimes {often} my attitude is exactly that.
prayer is a last resort.
when i can't help in my own strength, i guess i have to pray.
being miles and miles away from family and friends has been challenging me on this front.
when i read emails from close friends telling me of tragedy or illness or hard times i feel frustrated.
frustrated that i can't be there to bring a meal or babysit or take them out for coffee.
why is it that i feel that these things are more valuable than praying for them?
i have access to the Creator of the Universe who loves me and cares for me and my friends in a way i never could, and instead of talking to Him i want to bake some food?
this is so messed up.
i am not doing so great on the whole ephesians 6:18 front.
and pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. with this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.
and so God has removed me from being able to help people physically - on my on strength - and is causing me to rely on Him to meet the needs of the people i love. instead of me meeting their needs.

God, 
You are the Wonderful Counselor. You have a better listening ear than I. Your words are infinitely wise.
You are the Mighty God. You are all-powerful. Kings and Rulers are only in positions of power because YOU have put them there. There is no situation that surprises you or catches you off-guard.
You are the Everlasting Father. Like an earthly father comforts a hurt child, you bring comfort to Your hurting and broken children. 
You are the Prince of Peace. You calm the unsettled spirit and restore Hope.
Thank you for sending Jesus. The rescuer. Thank you for sending Him to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and to release the prisoners from darkness.
And thank you that when I am weak, when I am forced to rely on YOU instead of ME, only then am I strong. 
This Christmas would you be all that you promised to be for those who are grieving, hurting, sick and vulnerable? 
Thank you for Jesus.
Amen.

beginning

yesterday i decided to just go ahead and make some plans with a blogger friend i had not yet met.

so this morning {after baking some banana bread} jamie called our taxi driver {his name is abby and he's been great so far} and me and the boys loaded into the car and drove to the other side of kampala to meet up with kelly and her boys.

it took less than 30 minutes {i was totally expecting it to be longer} and we arrived to their lovely house way up on a hill.

me and jude. noah was beside me.

my view from the backseat.

oh my. it was indeed a breath of fresh air to my soul.

to be honest, i've been missing my friends and specifically some solid, female interaction. 

and so i prayed.

and God is so faithful.

kelly and i had a lovely time chatting and our boys played together quite well.

in the words of  humphrey bogart, "i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

thanks God for providing for your children. 

matthew 7:11

balance

it's Good Friday.
we went to church this morning {after i told jamie to change his shirt - it was too easter sundayish}.
it was a good service and helped me to further reflect on Jesus and his death.
for me.
as we watched a drama interspersed with video/images a verse popped into my head,

Isaiah 53:5b
and with his stripes, we are healed.


the beatings, the wounds, it was all for us. all because of us. because of me. i am healed through his stripes, his wounds.

after church we came home and the sun was shining and toys were strewn about the backyard so i quickly checked some emails while jamie was outside with the boys. seconds later he raps on the window and i look outside to see jude standing {splashing happily, actually} in 3 inches of water that had pooled in the lid of our sandbox truck. with his jeans and "church shoes".
jamie had looked away for a minute and this happened

so i grabbed my camera {of course} and head outside.
and then i made sure this happened

and it wasn't particularly hot but the sun was shining and jude was happy to tromp around the backyard with no pants on. 

and that's life, i guess. balancing on one hand the solemnity of today and remembering the horrible, excruciating death Jesus died for me; for us. and on the other hand laughing with my family and shedding the "wet jeans and sludgy church shoes" because we have Jesus and the grace he gives us every day.

i don't always understand it, but i'm incredibly thankful for it. for Him.

to be refreshed

I went away this weekend.
To a girls (can I still call myself a girl? calling us "ladies" conjures up thoughts of doilies and calling us "women" makes me think of something more professional or organized than this weekend actually was. "girls" it is.) cottage getaway.
It.Was.Delightful.
And refreshing.
It truly was just what I needed.

About a year ago (more?) I started getting together with several young moms from my church for a purely social evening. You see, it's kinda hard to make friends on Sunday mornings. So we all would get together and at first we got together at a restaurant and that was pretty fun, but soon our conversations would last longer and were more intimate than a restaurant setting provided. So we started meeting in each others' homes. Until this past December as we were heading out sometime before midnight I said, "I feel like we could talk all night long! We need some kind of retreat!"
And then Katie said that their family had a cottage.
And the rest is history.
To be honest, I didn't know if it would actually come together but I'm so glad it did.
We pretty much just talked

and ate.

The amazing thing is that we didn't just talk about our kids and our husbands and our lives, but we shared deeply with each other. I shared things I've never told many people (save for my husband and maybe even my sister) before. There was no judgement, no competitiveness or one-upping. It was safe and fun and loving and I think probably one of my favourite parts was sharing our testimonies with one another on Sunday morning. 

Each person was vulnerable in their own way and we were able to pray for each other and come along side each other as we shared how God has redeemed us and changed us and continues to work in our lives. 

It was beautiful and such a perfect example of how the body of Christ is supposed to come together to truly be a family - sisters in Christ.

I loved it.

Part of me just weeps when I think of leaving this group now as I know in my heart that God is doing something and is going to do something really big through this group and these women, but I know that He is sovereign and His timing is perfect. 

But mostly I'm just thankful to have experienced such awesome fellowship and friendship and I hope to continue to experience it - it will just look a little different.

Oh and I ate amazing food (quiche & thai soup and indonesian curry and scones and delicious salads). And laughed. A lot. It was amazing.

thoughts about lent

I didn't grow up practicing or participating or even really knowing about Lent. 
I'm not sure when I heard about it, but for the past few years I've started to look more into it and sometimes I give something up - or at least attempt to. 
For some reason this year my heart has been inclined toward Lent; to make it count, to prepare my heart and focus on Jesus and the suffering he took on for me. 
Upon doing some more research I found that there is more to Lent than just "giving something up". Wikipedia says that "there are three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent; prayer (justice towards God), fasting (justice towards self), and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour)."

Recently the pastor at our church spoke about the discipline of fasting and how it's a gift to us as Christians to practice this and rely on the Holy Spirit. It's something that's assumed of us as Christians (Matthew 6:16 says "when you fast..." not if, but when.) and it's something that Jesus himself did. I don't regularly fast, but I'm seriously considering making it a part of my life whether on a monthly or seasonal basis, I'm not sure yet. But it's something I felt the Holy Spirit saying to me, "Listen to this. Pray and seek me on this.". And so I'm going to. 

According to Wikipedia, justice (referring back to Wikipedia's definition of Lent) is the concept of moral rightness based on some form of ethics or law and that punishment occurs when there is a breach of those ethics. 
Romans 3:28 says that we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from works of the law so I know that I have already been justified, but I do like the idea of focusing on God, myself and my neighbour in a way that is more purposeful and deliberate.
So with all that, here is what I'm aiming for during this time of Lent.


I'm giving up sugar - nothing like giving up all breads or not eating fruit, but candy, sweets, desserts, sugary cereals or other sugary breakfast items will be what I'm focusing on fasting from.
I also really want to focus on my bible reading plan: for slackers and shirkers - I've been coming and going with it and I really want to make a concerted effort to stick with it, rely on God and seek him during this time for my contentment and fulfillment.
I want to be in prayer for specific things: 
1. God's will and plan for our family as it relates to expanding it. We're not there yet, but it's something I continue to think and dream about on a daily basis. I want to be at peace with whatever He has in store for us. 
2. the Orphan crisis and my/our role in it. 
3. my husband and my children. Especially for this next transition and phase in our lives. 
4. specifically for Noah and how incredibly strong-willed he is. how to teach and instruct him. for wisdom to take the necessary steps to guide him and to know what those steps are and for the Holy Spirit to bind the spirit of defiance and stubbornness in him but without breaking his spirit.


As for "almsgiving", I'm still not sure exactly where or what God would have me do during the next 40 days (Lent starts this Wednesday) but I think my eyes will be open and I will be praying for opportunities and I know God is always waiting to present us with opportunities to be His eyes and ears, his hands and feet and to speak words of Love and Truth into peoples' lives if we are only willing to be open and step out in faith.

confessions

i know there are others out there.
other moms out there.
other moms who have strong-willed children.
i'm not just talking about having a tantrum on the occasion or exerting their independence every now and then.
i'm talking about children who are characterized by people who barely know them as well as those who know them well as strong-willed (is that just the nice phrase we use for stubborn? defiant? i don't even know anymore).

i'm talking about my noah.

and part of me knows that it's a lot about the age he's at. the phase he's in. the developmental stage he's going through.
he's three. three is rough letmetellYOU. and it's such a ridiculous pendulum swing - for everyone because we just have no idea when the switch is going to flick and he's going to be sweet, adorable, agreeable noah instead of defiant, insolent, disobedient, out of control raging noah.
i mean, three is
"i wanna cuddle with you, mama", punching and kicking me, "i love you so much, mama", screaming and melting down anytime, anywhere he feels like it (today it was church and not wanting to go into his classroom that he's been going to for at least 6 months now and having a 10 minute tantrum that was not limited to pounding his 3 year old fists on the door), saying NO to me about something so simple it should not even be an issue, exasperating his brother, inciting his brother, being excited about reading Bible stories, making up hilarious songs, spitting at everyone, holding up his fists to people and giving them a grinchy face, putting away his toys, NOT putting away his toys, refusing to put on his own boots, INSISTING on putting on his own boots.

three is confusing. and if it's confusing for me, it's gotta be confusing for noah.
so there's grace.
but there's also a need for teaching and correction and it's my job to both teach and correct him. because if i don't, who is supposed to? is it not unrealistic for me to just expect him to learn it on his own?

someone once told me about the idea of a family's "rallying cry" which is something or someone the entire family (or at the very least the husband/wife team) can rally around and focus on for a determined amount of time or until a specific goal is met.
i think jamie and i need to rally around and behind noah. to focus in on teaching him and correcting him as he navigates the waters of being three years old. to pray for him. and pray for wisdom for us to know how to teach and correct this precious gem and blessing we've been given.

in part i've been meeting him head-on like two battling rams. i know exactly where noah gets his strong will and i can match him every step of the way. and in some situations i know and thank god that he's given me this iron will to be consistent and teach my child that i mean what i say. but i know that this isn't always the best way to address every situation. and to be honest, it's tiring. and children can sense weakness like bees can sense fear. it's wicked crazy and it is not to be messed with. for reals.

one specific step i will be taking (and blogging more about in the coming weeks) is that i've made a list of things i want to pray about/towards as part of my lent experience this year. one of these is noah. 40 days of specific, concerted prayer for my first born and how i am supposed to parent him through this season of all our lives.

so to all you mom's of strong-willed children, i know your child is different from mine and i am different from you, but have you any encouragement? advice? suggestions? anecdotes?

*you may now go back to watching the Oscars (we have no cable and streaming was so chopping it really wasn't worth it).

sixty feet

today i watched this video:


Nathalie from Sixty Feet on Vimeo.


then i posted this on facebook:

i lay in bed thinking about these children, this country and what my role in it all was.

i think the thing that got me was that this week, the image of that child laying on that woman's bosom was a distorted image of what i experienced with jude. 

he's been sick since wednesday and i've spent large amounts of each day with him. nestled into me. 

the reason that image is distorted is because in my life, that child {my jude} is clothed. he has been given love every day of his life. despite fighting the flu, he is healthy and has access to plenty of food. and medicine. and clean water. he is free from spiritual oppression and has a loving mama and daddy who pray for him every day. 

and that is the reason i wept when i saw that little baby girl. lying there. staring with empty eyes and a scarred body. 

i've been thinking and praying {a lot} about what God has for me in uganda. 

{thinking and not sleeping}

why now? how do my passions and burdens and desires play into our journey to this beautiful and hurting country? 

how can i best be used? 

{please use me...}

there is more to come in this story. i just don't know it yet.

Please check out Sixty Feet, read their story, watch the videos, pray, give, go

will you do something {anything} with me?

The Kiddie Pool

Jamie's been away since last Thursday (he'll be back tonight!) and in the meantime, we've had to occupy ourselves otherwise.

Yesterday was a lovely day. No humidity. The sun was out. It wasn't too hot, but hot enough to fill up the kiddie pool!

After a lecture (and a splash in the face) I gave to Noah about not splashing his baby brother in the face, both boys laughed and giggled and splish splashed to their hearts content.

It's been so sweet to watch them and their budding relationship. Their ups and downs, the grabbing, pushing and pulling. The laughing, hugging and tickling. The wrestling (or attempts at it) and the playing (oh how adorable it is to see Jude "driving" a car alongside Noah) together.

I pray for them and the men they will grow into. I pray they will sharpen each other and be strong, godly men who love Jesus and love others deeply and passionately.

But in the meantime...we'll all splash in the pool together.

You Capture: Water

A plethora

This post will be quite eclectic in its topics as there a few different things I'd like to write about.

On an entirely random note...is it just me or does anyone else make words out of the author verification letters that you have to fill in to post a comment on certain blogs? I also think of words. I'm sure there are others out there just like me. Hmm...maybe I should make a Facebook group for that.

Moving on...

Today I am thankful to have a faithful, loving God who answers prayers. Well, I am always thankful for that, but today I just saw God so clearly answer a specific prayer and I thought to myself after the event while washing dishes, "Wow. God so clearly answered my prayer. Some could attribute it to other things, but I know I asked for these specific things and they happened! In the best possible way!"
It's good to thank God for answering our prayers. It's good to acknowledge the one who is the giver of every good and perfect gift. Especially answered prayers.

I got a crafty urge today. I need to have some kind of crafty outlet. As Kirsten and I discussed this I thought of all the wonderful things I could do; start scrapbooking again (it's been months), start crocheting again - I could crochet a toque!, learn to sew and make clothes for myself, learn to quilt (I am seriously considering taking up this "old lady" hobby), paint beautiful paintings on canvases (well, ok, they might not be beautiful), make jewellery...
So I have decided I need to take a sewing class so I can actually learn how to use my sewing machine so I can both learn to quilt as well as learn to make clothes for myself!

As Kirsten and I perused the aisles of Michaels and Bouclair I felt like I had no idea where to begin. I could spend HOURS in each of those stores. It was fun. And it made me want to buy masses of ribbon and paper. I love paper. Stationary, scrapbooking stuff, cards, I even was tempted to buy some stamps and take that up as a hobby. Dangerous stuff these craft stores!

Now I will eat some crackers and peruse the sewing courses available in Guelph!