Monday, August 6, 2012

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?
she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 
the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 
You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.
Amen.

7 comments:

  1. Vanessa,
    Sometimes it's not the outward brokenness that hurts the most, but the recognition of our own inward broken self. If we can't admit it first and foremost, we can never hope to fully abide in Him. When I begin to feel the overwhelming hopelessness washing over me, threatening to submerge me with each crashing wave, I picture the brokenness I see as me and how I must appear to God my Father. Who of us isn't a broken, shame-filled beggar, always asking for more? Yet see how He responds. And I simply ask Him to actively create that same heart in me.

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    1. Exactly, Brenda. And I think in this post (and my life) I'm wrestling with this exact thing. Thanks for putting words to it.

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  2. Oh, I love you. And the honesty of this. And I'm so sad about the ugliness and broken-ness of reality.

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  3. You are awesome. Thank you for your honesty. I think everyone struggles with this. It is human nature. But we strive to be as Jesus and it is so hard to do here on earth, isn't it? Life is such a struggle but we work towards a greater reward.
    What an awesome post.

    So nice to meet you. I came here from Elaine's blog. :)

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  4. your honesty is so refreshing - thank you for sharing! praying for you as you continue to serve HIM
    Autumn

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  5. This blog really touched me. Obviously my situation is not the same, and it didn't connect with me on a level where I feel compassion and empathy for the suffering in a sinful world. But I think it was your prayer that really touched me. Its so honest and so so applicable to the other things going on right now. Thanks for a vulnerable post. Loving you!

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