doxology

Praise God from whom all blessings flow;

Praise him, all creatures here below;

Praise him above, ye heavenly host;

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

- the Doxology

Thomas Ken 1674

on breathing

these ladies {aletha on the left of me, kelly to the right}. what an absolute blessing they both have been to me in my first year here in uganda.
they have both been like breathing in fresh air a midst the dust and diesel of this city.

before we left canada, i was googling resources for families living in kampala and came across kelly's blog. her and her family {same as mine; 2 boys about the same age} were preparing to move to kampala only months before we were. i left her a comment on her blog and we soon connected via blogs and emails. it wasn't too long after we arrived that kelly and i met up and the connection was instant. a friend! in kampala! thank you, Jesus!

about mid-october i decided to take a hiatus from facebook but feared how i would connect with other women in kampala without the help of facebook groups like "expats in uganda", etc. God is so good. he doesn't need facebook to connect people.
about a week later i got an email from a friend of a friend who lives in uganda and thought that me and another young mom she knew of should meet up for coffee and get to know each other and if it didn't work out, well that's fine. so me and this other mom {aletha} met up and i really liked her! she was honest and real and had already been living in uganda for a year with her two little kiddos. what a total blessing from God!

this next year is going to look different for me in terms of these two ladies. aletha and her family will be returning back to canada in october and both of kelly's boys will be in school 5 days a week. and oh yeah, i'll be having a baby in mere weeks. so it's going to look different for all of us, but i am so thankful for their friendship during my first year in kampala and whatever this next year looks like, i trust in God's provision for all my needs - all i have to do is look back to how He provided for me this past year and my hope is renewed.

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?

she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 

the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 

You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.

Amen.

Good Friday links

it's good friday.

we are making hot cross buns today.

we are reading the story of jesus' betrayal and death on the cross. we are remembering. lingering. thanking Him.

yesterday i wept and my tears dropped onto the picture i was painting as i listened to 'watch the lamb'. i will probably listen to it again over this weekend and weep again.

we are reenacting the easter story with these toilet paper roll figures.

Jesus, thank you. thank you for being obedient, even to death on a cross. thank you for doing it for the joy set before you. open my inner eye to see you. every moment. of every day. give me wisdom, Lord to parent these beautiful, but sinful children that you have given to me as precious gifts. give me the words to speak truth into their lives, to be You with skin on to them. today as jamie and i explain to them about your death and the importance of it in our lives, may you speak to their little hearts through us.
Thank you. Just...thank You.

water

on saturday i posted that we had no water on facebook. a friend commented that soon i'd be hearing from all the other missionaries about "this one time we went 7 days without water". {luckily no one did make a comment in that vane.} little did i know that we'd end up going over 5 days now without water.
we buy our drinking water, so please don't fret that we're about to all keel over and die from dehydration, but still.
i never realized how much i use water. and how much.
to do dishes. to wash my hands. to cook with. to flush the toilets. to brush my teeth. to shower {yeah, i stink pretty bad. one shower in 5 days in africa? have i crossed the line of TMI on my blog yet?}. to wash my hands {while prepping food, after changing diapers, coming in from play, washing hands all.the.time.}.
and now apparently the problem has been "fixed" {they were fixing some water main in our area or something?} but we still don't have water.
i think of most others in this city and country who {if they even have access to clean water} have to walk some ways to fill up containers and then walk back with their heavy container, full of water.
yesterday our power went out as well. and then at night. and then today again. {on and off throughout the night and day.} and i think,
what is God trying to teach me? 

i met with another missionary who lives nearby us and works in the same ministry as we do. her and her husband have been here for many, many years now and she said something to me,
we weren't called here to live a convenient life. that's not the life God has given us. 

i'm not here to live a convenient life. i'm not on this earth to live a convenient life. i believe God is slowly {sometimes it doesn't seem slow enough} stripping away the things in my life that i depend on. the main thing that sticks out here is all the conveniences i've been used to for the last 30 years.
a part of me wants to cry out,
isn't it enough that i've left behind family and friends, my home church and sidewalks, starbucks and libraries? parks and safe driving? isn't it enough? 

i think the answer {for me, at least} is that it isn't enough until i treasure Jesus Christ above everything else in my life. more than water or electricity, sidewalks or libraries. more than friends and air conditioning. i need to treasure Him in such a way that it is noticeable to everyone around me.
and right now He's showing me that i don't. 

but he is good. and merciful. and patient.

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

but i'm still praying the water comes on. soon.

break down

today I had planned to meet a friend at this fantastic cafe/art gallery place with a great outdoor play area for kids. I had Elizabeth with me and the boys in the car as I was going to drop Elizabeth off near to the taxis. as I started coasting down the hill I pressed the brakes and realized the car wasn't stopping. I wasn't going too quickly but immediately started to panic. I said to Elizabeth, "my brakes won't work! my brakes are gone!" and luckily I was going slow enough that I could pull somewhat off to the side and pull the e-brake. cars were honking as I found the emergency lights and waved them around me.
I realized the car had actually died and not just the brakes.
so thankful to have had Elizabeth with me as she called over some men to help {people don't just come and help you here. and they expect to be paid for their help.} and as I couldn't get the car out of park and into neutral, we all piled out and a guy hopped in and somehow maneuvered it off the road.
I called Jamie and he came with our friend James and they took over while I decided that Elizabeth and I would walk back home with the kids {and had to insist that no we would not be taking a boda with the children}. we were no further than our church which we used to walk to before we bought our car so I knew we could do it.
but it was hot.
Noah complained a bit, but eventually just dug deep and walked with determination.
I was proud of him.
Elizabeth and I walked and talked about how God knew that would happen and had Elizabeth there to help me. well, in between her telling random guys to eff off for making comments about me. oh Elizabeth.
we were all sweaty by the time we got back and Jamie called me with an update. nothing too expensive and the ministry mechanic was going to come by and fix it there.
just another random, crazy day in Kampala.
thankful for His protection.

God with us.

I went outside just now to check on the boys.
as I called down to them {they were on the second level of our yard} to be careful, Noah asked if I would be staying out with them. I told him no, that I was going back into the meeting in our living room and I said that they would be fine because they're in our own yard.
and then Noah said,
oh yeah! and God is with us! *then he turned to Jude* don't worry, Jude! because God is with us!

moments like these make all the hard times parenting worth it. completely.

immanuel

we've been opening our advent envelopes and have done things like going on a nile cruise, made paper snowflakes, done other crafts, read the story of Jesus' birth by candlelight, but yesterday our activity was to go and buy some things for the sanyu babies home and today's activity was to go and deliver them.
so this afternoon {after we went to a christmas party at kelly's house}we went back to our side of town and visited the sanyu babies home to complete our advent activity for the day; dropping off some diapers, wipes, rice, formula and other needs they had.
remember my 1/2 birthday party that my amazing friends threw for me back in april? well, half of the money that was given to me was to go toward a charity/cause of my choice. this is one of the things my money went to!

i was excited to involve the boys and give them this chance to help other kids.
i'm not sure what i was expecting to see, but for some reason i was not expecting to see all 49 children running around without shoes on. i was not expecting to see one of the little toddlers with completely soaked pants {from pee}. i was not expecting to see one of the staff crying as she said good-bye to a newly adopted baby {we had just arrived at the end of their farewell party}. i was not expecting to be offered to share a lollipop with one of the kids.
i believe these children are given what the staff can give them {be it love/attention/physical needs} and that it is one of the better run and maintained orphanages in kampala, but still my heart aches.
i watched my children walk into the playground area in their crocs and sandals with fresh diapers and clean clothes on, still smelling like the shampoo from the night before. they played on the swings and slide with the other kids, oblivious to the fact that at the end of the day, these children would likely sleep in a room with a lot of other children with no parent at the end of the hall to come in and lie down with them when they wake up during the night. when jude fell off the swing he knew he had me to comfort him. and even though he screamed as we left {he wanted to stay longer and play}, i thought of all the other children who had no choice but to stay there.
we will definitely go back to sanyu many times over the next year and a half that we are here. i will hold children and give them love and attention.

 and my heart will still ache when i leave.

tonight i prayed with the boys that God would send more parents to sanyu and all the other orphanages in uganda and the world to bring home their babies {no matter if they're 9 months old or 9 years old} and bring them into a new family just like God brought us into His family.
it all comes back to Jesus.
and that is what christmas is all about.
i was adopted into God's family because Jesus gave up everything to become a baby and be the rescuer of mankind.
immanuel. God with us.

it smells like rain

we've been hearing thunder for the last couple days but no rain.

i had just been speaking with my mom on skype and mentioned how we hadn't had rain in a few days.

about an hour after i said this the skies opened up and rain poured down from the heavens.

i breathed in deep.

it smelled so good. earthy. wet. 

i grabbed my camera and went outside to find it smelled even better out there.

i thought to myself

i never want to forget this. 

to my delight, noah joined me and sat on the warm steps as we watched the rain come down.

can i go and run around in the rain, mom?

definitely. always and definitely.

Listen, you heavens, and I will speak;

hear, you earth, the words of my mouth.

Let my teaching fall like rain

and my words descend like dew,

like showers on new grass,

like abundant rain on tender plants.

I will proclaim the name of the Lord.

Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

He is the rock, his works are perfect, 

and all his ways are just.

A faithful God who does no wrong,

upright and just is he.

Deuteronomy 32:1-4

hidden

a taste of life in kampala:



and before this ride, at the market:



day to day life is fairly non-eventful at home with the boys. we play together {cars, pretend cooking and real cooking, read books, do crafts, kick the soccer ball around outside and watch some tv - the boys' current faves are Handy Manny, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Jungle Junction} but to be honest we rarely leave the house on our own. it's quite a lot for me to to take both the boys out by myself especially at the age jude is where he just likes to take off and explore on his own. not really a safe thing to do with boda bodas whizzing right beside you.
but we get by.
i continue to work through why God has specifically brought me here to do what i could easily do at home in canada, but i trust Him and already sense that He is using this time to refine me, shape me and make me into someone i wouldn't be if i had stayed back in canada.
as a wise woman said to me, it is a time of "hiddenness". hidden away from distractions. hidden away from comforts. hidden away in the home with often no one by my children to see what He is doing in me.
for such a time as this...

linking up with Miss Elaine-ous Mondays

giving thanks for the ugly

i've picked up the habit of giving thanks in a journal. of doing eucharisteo.
{i even started a new "gratitude" journal that my sweet friend, mandy gave to me as a goodbye present.}

today after i dumped in a new package of pasta and then noticed there were dead bugs floating around in the boiling water i sighed.
and then grabbed a spoon and started spooning out as many bugs as i could find.
later as i picked through the cooked bow tie pasta for the ones that had bugs on/in them i was floundering.
how do i give thanks for this?
how do i practice giving thanks for the ugly things in my life? like bugs in my pasta.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
as i pondered my predicament, the horn of africa's famine came to mind.
and then i gave thanks. with a sincere heart. not just because i ought but because i truly felt grateful to have food.
i have food to feed my children.
i don't have to watch them starve.
and when one of them doesn't want tonight's dinner, i can offer him last night's leftovers.
leftovers!

today during my quiet time {noah and i had one together!} i read that "anything less than gratitude and trust is practical atheism." i was shocked. and convicted. how often do i grumble with an unthankful heart or stress because i do not trust the I Am?

so when i found bugs in my pasta i dug deep to find something to give thanks for.
even for bugs in my pasta.
besides, isn't there some sort of missionary joke about finding bugs in your food?

rain :: storm

quiet nights are hard to come by here.

it's now been several nights in a row where jude has slept all the way through the night without waking up {thank you Jesus}.

but the other night i woke up to

nothing.

no dogs barking.

no african clubbing music.

no random djembe drummers.

no loud cawing birds.

no honking.

no sirens.

just a few crickets.

and then it started to rain.

have i mentioned how much i love the sound of the rain here?

no?

well, it's amazing.

incredibly soothing.

and lovely. 

probably one of my favourite nighttime sounds.

{another one being the sound of cars driving along at night on empty roads. it reminds me of home. 

total city girl right here.}

i decided to thank God for this sweet middle-of-the-night blessing.

just for me.

look for the every day blessings.

they are there.

alongside the challenges and hardships, they are there.

you just have to look.

************

and then there was last night.
raging, fierce, thundering, lightening, sheets of rain poured down.
angry, harsh, powerful rain.
not the steady, sweet sound of a light rain that happened a few nights ago.
no, this was pure power.
He was there in that powerful, fiercesome storm.
but just like elijah, i didn't hear His voice in it.
but i knew He was there.
sustaining us.
protecting us.
my heart broke as i lay there listening to the rain go on and on.
i was thinking of all the ghettos i've seen here in kampala.
children and their parents live in those ghettos.
i'm sure their roofs leaked.
i'm sure they were cold.
did they tremble in fear because of how exposed they felt in the storm?

there are blessings in my life, but even here, in this life that is so different from what i'm used to, i have it so much better than most others in this city.
what are their blessings?
what do they look like?
is their faith stronger than mine?
surely it must be.

and that's okay.

this place is not my home.

not yet.

i know it will feel like it someday.

but it doesn't feel like it right now.

and that's okay.

i miss my home and native land.

and that's okay.

there are so many things that are wonderful in my life and in my house and in this city.

and i'm learning to count them every day.

but i'm not denying that right now...

i miss my home, my friends, my family, {my car}, my city, my church.

and that's okay.

{there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens;}

found on pinterest.

bingo bango

it was a day of good and bad. {isn't every day like that?}
noah's elbow popped out yesterday {the third time this has happened} and by this morning he still wasn't using it and complained/cried in pain when we tried to move it.
so we looked into a couple options and decided that i would take him to the nearest "hospital" {it was really more like a clinic} with lynn, a missionary who lives just up the street from us.
it was a rough visit.
he screamed and cried when the doctor tried to touch his arm.
i tried to help the doctor understand that it wasn't because he was a "big, black man" but because he was a stranger and noah was afraid of the pain that he would feel if his arm was moved.
i had multiple "i wish i was back home" moments but that is life when you move overseas and to be expected.
i won't go into all the details except that we were sent for an x-ray and it was an extremely traumatic experience for noah and ended with both of us in tears.
when we went back to the doctor, he had left to go to another hospital.
we waited.
and waited.
and waited.
and then we decided to leave and come back tomorrow.
and i decided to try and have another "go" at fixing noah's elbow.
and sure enough, within the hour of getting back home, he was using it and playing happily with his new friend, sophia.

thank you God that you healed noah's arm. thank you for the perspective that my days and weeks and months will be filled with low points, but that you will also be there to lift me out of the miry clay. 

we made and enjoyed spaghetti with a hearty meat sauce for dinner. {high point!}

one of the sessions in chicago during our training was about adjusting to a new culture and the speaker pointed out that if there are mothers on the team, they will likely not experience the typical "honeymoon" period, but go directly to the slump {and eventually equalize and rise up again to a "normal" level}. bingo bango, mr. speaker.

our home is coming together s l o w l y but God is {as usual} teaching me and sustaining me.
i want to be adjusted and used to this city and culture and know my way around {and have a fully stocked pantry and fridge}, but that takes time. {where is that fast forward button, anyway?}
i love change, but i hate the transition part.
we're getting there.
i just have to keep going.

words to encourage

we are all here to find
the place where our restless souls
will be free
we were all made to see
our hearts could not rest
until found in thee
divine invitation





you have redeemed my soul
from the pit of emptiness
you have redeemed my soul 
from death



i was a hungry child, a dried up river
i was a burned out forest, and no one could do anything for me
but you put food in my body, water in my dry bed
and to my blackened branches, you brought the springtime green
of new life
and nothing is impossible for you
you have redeemed my soul


this week i've been able to worship with page cxvi in person and it's been so wonderful. i hadn't heard of these songs before but i love them. (neither are written by page cxvi, but their take on them - as usual - is fantastic.) i thought i had blogged about page cxvi before, but i can't find it. well, i love them. check them out.

why?

why are you moving to africa?

why are you packing up your lives {into 8 rubbermaid containers} and flying halfway around the world?

why are you going, especially when you have two young kids?

and then...

why are you taking your kids away from comfort? safety? opportunities? wealth? friends? family?

even if you don't say it, i know you think it sometimes.

because of Jesus.

because He loves us and it's his love that compels us to leave what we know for the unknown.

because our love for Him causes us {causes me} to actually desire to give up everything for the sake of bringing Him praise.

it's because of our kids that we are going.

not despite. or even though we have kids.

our call is their call. 

as a family we are called to africa.

the opportunities they will have are like none i could ever offer them living the life we live in canada.

their eyes will see things they would never see.

they will experience life as most of the world knows it.

 they will learn to live with little. 

and i know they will love it. 

{it's their parents that will probably have a harder time.}

they will see their parents striving to obey God and listening to His voice to go.

they will likely see us making mistakes and learning to lean on Him more and more. 

we will bond together in a way all families should, but the western world and all her distractions make so difficult.

us & Jesus. 

David Livingstone {missionary to africa} said this about leaving the "benefits" of england:

"Anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger, now and then, with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charities of this life, may make us pause, and cause the spirit to waver, and the soul to sink; but let this only be for a moment. All these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall be revealed in and for us. I never made a sacrifice."

this is what i want for me. for us.

we leave in one week today.

there have been crazy setbacks due to my procrastination and lack of planning;

but we go....

(in 7 days and counting)

breakable

kids are pretty resilient.
but they need some sort of stability in their lives.


it was a long, drawn out, somewhat difficult bedtime tonight but God gave me grace and patience for my sweet boys.
noah looked at some books while i rocked jude to sleep and then i lay down with noah until he fell asleep so he wouldn't be scared on his own.
they are both quiet and sleeping now. i pray they sleep through the night okay.

while i lay there with noah, he and i had another conversation about africa.

n: do aunt heidi and uncle jordi (whose place we are house sitting for now) work at daddy's work in guelph? (the university)
me: yes.
n: but daddy doesn't work there anymore.
me: you're right.
n: why?
me: because we're going to move to uganda and he'll be working there.
pause
n: but why do we have to move to uganda?

oh how my heart squeezes with a little grief as i try to explain to you, sweet boy, why we feel God has called our family to move to uganda. away from what we know. to something different.

oh how my heart is excited for all that you (we) will experience and how it is going to be so worth everything we are "giving up".

He is worth it. all of it.

i pray that you will know this and experience this. with all my heart this is what i pray for you and your brother.

photo credit

.

God is so good.
you know when people say that and you're all,

really? that's so cliche.

but you know when you say it and feel like sobbing at how good He really is and how overwhelming His goodness is in your life?
that.
Jesus is totally and completely all-consuming and everything i need. and He's been reminding me of His goodness is sweet, sometimes subtle ways.

like in a book given to me by a wonderful, wise woman. or a book i've already blogged about. or from His Word here. and here. and here. and through a song on the radio.
and every sunday at church i'm just a mess because He is speaking so clearly and ministering to me and preparing me for this crazy adventure i'm about to go on.

i am learning about trusting Him. for everything. to be everything. in everything.
i am learning to thank Him. for everything. in everything. because He is. everything.

right here. right now.

a week and a half ago i was running when i tripped and fell.
big time.
it was more incredible than embarrassing if you can believe it.
i was shocked at how far i flew and the velocity with which i flew.
i could not have stopped myself if i tried.
because of this major wipeout (Major Wipeout! - HIMYM fans?) i've had these ridiculous scabs on my knees and my left elbow/arm. i forgot how bad a "picker" i am. it's probably borderline obsessive. is it easy for anyone not to pick a crusty scab?

just me?

okay. moving along.

today i took the boys for a bike ride in their new bike trailer that my parents bought for their collective birthdays to enjoy for this summer while we're here. it was a pretty long bike ride for someone who hasn't really done a long bike ride in quite some time. just over 10.5km. (my butt really hurts.)

i'm glad exercise is part of my life.
i want and need to exercise.
not just because i feel like i'll get fat but because i actually enjoy working my body and i feel better physically and emotionally after i exercise.

i like the length of my hair right now. sometimes when i let it air dry it looks awesome. sometimes it doesn't. (right now it looks awesome.)

on the craft docket for this week with the boys is this and this. i'm excited for both.

sometimes i feel like cramming my social calendar chock full.
sometimes i feel like hibernating.
right now? i feel like i might actually be somewhere in the middle. which is a good thing.

when the seasons change is when i find it hardest to fight materialism in my heart.

i think i'm falling deeper in love with Jesus. for me and Jesus it's always been gradual. no shocking testimony here. (aside from the fact that He chose me.)

i'm also falling deeper in love with jamie (we celebrated 7 years of marriage on saturday) and i'm so thankful to have married a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. i'm also really thankful for God's grace and mercy to me and jamie.
we were so young and immature and selfish (okay, so i'm pretty much speaking mainly for me) and yet He has used us and changed us and held us together so that i can honestly say that i do love jamie more today than i did 7 years ago.

i am continuing to surrender my hopes and desires for what my family is "supposed" to look like and am holding my plans loosely in my upward-facing palms. i have lots of hopes and dreams and desires, but i'm learning to want what Jesus wants most of all. it's usually in this state that my dreams and hopes end up aligning with God's plans and desires for me. so good!

this is the part of the blog post where most people go back and edit and delete.
but i have many people in my life that i love dearly and haven't been able to share with as much lately and so here i am. unfiltered. unedited. this is me and my heart and my life as of recent.

going and coming back

we went to the beaches today.

i am going to miss this city. this country.

so much.

it's hard to know where to even begin. we flew for over 17 hours to be in africa for 6 days.
we found a house.
we met the people we'll be working with.
i remembered the smells of living in an over populated city with diesel pollution and people coming up to your car window wanting to sell you things and sitting in traffic for 2 hours. we sat in traffic a lot.
i have very mixed feelings.
in a way, it's good. i know what i'm going into and it's causing me to miss my familiar already. it's causing me to soak it all in before we leave. it's causing me to grieve.
i feel strongly that this is still where we're supposed to go, but there is an ache that i feel that wasn't there before.

i am scared. i am cautious. i am excited. i am happy and thankful for the house we found - my home for the next two years. i have so many questions and thoughts and things to find out before we go.
but

i still have peace.

at Murchison Falls

the African Queen going to the base of the falls

our future home. just kidding. it's a village we passed on safari.

i love giraffes.