5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: love

this is the final entry in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
click on the links to read part one, part two, part three and part four.

becoming a mom helped me to see the selfish idea of love that i had. sure i was married. sure jamie and i had dated for 4 years {plus 10 months being engaged}. but having kids and becoming a mom opened my eyes to my shallow definition of love. jamie and i had sailed through our first couple years of marriage with relative ease. sure we had fights, but we probably would have had even less if i had learned to really love and put his needs before my own.

but becoming a mother taught me about how to 

love.

i remember sitting at a dinner table with a close friend of mine and watching her give up her strawberries from her salad for her son who loved {at that time} all fruit and vegetables that were red. i understood, but i couldn't imagine gladly giving up a fruit that was one of my favourites. {so immature, right?}

just today i have wiped two different children's bums and also picked up a large turd off the floor and deposited into the toilet {where it belongs}. 

i probably got 5-6 hours of sleep last night. and the littlest little is screaming his heart out in rejection of his nap. that he very much needs right now. {that i very much need him to take.}

i have listened to many a children's cd that i can't stand because it brings them happiness.

today is jamie's birthday and i managed to scrap together a slice of banana bread and vanilla earl grey tea for his birthday breakfast this morning. {he was very gracious and gladly accepted.}

i repeat myself over and over and over again as i attempt to teach my boys how to speak politely to grown-ups. 

i pray for my boys - for who they are. for who i hope they will be. 

i have devoured dozens of books on parenting. 

i have read the same bedtime story for months in a row.

their loves and passions have become mine. their accomplishments are exciting and joy-filling to participate in with them.

i have devoted countless hours discussing with friends about parenting challenges and issues with my kids. 

in learning to love these little boys, i have already gained a wider understanding of what it means to love my husband. it's hard. we have not so easily sailed through these last 5 years. no sir. i have learned what is meant by the saying "marriage is work". it is. but although our lives are so different now and sometimes we reminisce what it was like before we had kids, i wouldn't change a thing. having kids has deepened our love for each other and strengthened our marriage. 

love doesn't always mean giving my kids what they want, but it does mean that i'd gladly give them something that i used to selfishly keep to myself. whether it's a strawberry or my time...i'm learning to love with a more selfless, Christ-like love. 

8

it's apparently the time of year where lots of people get married.
my facebook newsfeed has had at least one person per day for the last week wish their spouse a happy anniversary.
today is ours.
we both forgot this morning. we groggily rolled out of bed {him because he stayed up late last night to watch the england game; me because i had a pepsi too late at night i think, and couldn't fall asleep until well after he came to bed} and went to the dining room to make some breakfast.
trevor wished us a happy annivesary. jamie said, "whoops." i said, "oh yeah." trevor and nick laughed at us.

this is us. we aren't big on making a huge to-do about dates or birthdays or anniversaries {except this year on mother's day when my pregnancy hormones kicked in and i got all sulky.}. sometimes we celebrate by going out for dinner. sometimes we have a whole day planned. sometimes we do nothing to celebrate at all. i'm not sure what this says about us but i do know that both of us are on the same page and we're okay with it. i love this handsome blue-eyed man more today than i thought was possible 8 years ago.

today is nick and trevor's last day in uganda before they fly back to canada tomorrow morning. so we're celebrating and spending the day with them. we've got the rest of the summer to spend together.

and our lives.

{also we've been watching finding nemo lately with the boys and you know that line when dorrie says to marlin, "I look at you, and I'm home."? it always makes me a bit teary. and it's how i feel about jamie. so i'm making this song our 8 year song.}




*linking up with Elaine for Miss Elaine-ous Mondays.

marriage

we had a date night last night, jamie and i. {courtesy of one spectacular kelley myles who is a genius at getting children to stop freaking out and go to sleep!}
we went to my favouritest place, mishmash. it was jazz, blues and rock night. just a chill evening where they play everything from BB King to The Stones to Dizzy Gilespie and Pearl Jam. they played black magic woman which i totally grooved to thanks to guitar hero enlightening my sometimes limited music awareness.
it was a nice, quiet night out.
{also i really like that at night, people smoke shisha and it smells absolutely delicious. the grape flavour always smells the best.}
on the drive home we talked about each other and other people and both agreed that while we could have married other people, no one would really even compare to each other. maybe that's arrogant, but i think it's probably an arrogance that more marriages could stand to have.
and it makes me happy that we're both happiest with each other.
almost 8 years of marriage {and almost 13 years together!} and we still think we picked the best.
i'm thankful to God for bringing us and keeping us together. {and for the so many people that i know still pray for us and have since our wedding day.}

*in hindsight and after someone's comment, arrogance isn't probably the best choice of words. but somehow it communicates a certain...vibe for how we feel about each other. like "we got the best out there when we married each other. sorry world, but you lost out."

jamie's strawberry birthday cake

i think jamie and i have a new tradition for our birthday weeks. 

whoever is celebrating their birthday gets to stay in bed when the kids wake up in the morning and the other person gets the kids up. 

for the entire week preceding your birthday. 

i liked it when jamie did it for me so i did it for him (and now i'm ready to lie in bed a little longer tomorrow morning!)

today jamie turned 30.

i'm no longer in my 30's without him.

hurrah!

he didn't ask for much, but upon my questioning him, he requested a strawberry cake.

strawberry it is, babe.

ingredients:

1 3/4 cups sugar

1 pacakge (85 g) strawberry jello

1 cup butter, softened

4 eggs (room temperature)

3 cups flour

1 tbsp baking powder

3/4 tsp salt

1 cup milk, room temperature

1 tbsp vanilla

1/4 cup straberry puree/jam

prehead oven to 350F. Butter and flour pan size of choice. i have limited options here so i chose my oval glass pan.

in a medium bowl or measuring cup, combine and stire the milk, puree/jam and the vanilla. set aside.

sift and whisk the dry ingredients together in a medium bowl and set aside.

cream the sugar, jello and butter on medium speed until light and fluffy - about 5 minutes.

add the eggs, one by one, mixing well after each addition and scraping down the sides of the bowl with a spatula.

add the wet and dry ingredients to the creamed mixture, alternating between wet and dry. try not to overmix.

fill your pan(s) with batter and bake for 30-40 minutes - although if you are going with smaller pans, you will need to bake for less time. check your cake(s) at 20 minutes and once you feel it's almost ready, set the timer for 2 minute intervals.

let cool on racks for 10 minutes before loosening edges with a knife.

happy birthday to the love of my life, my best friend, fellow sojourner on this crazy adventure called life and the father to my children. 

here's to our 30's!

right here. right now.

a week and a half ago i was running when i tripped and fell.
big time.
it was more incredible than embarrassing if you can believe it.
i was shocked at how far i flew and the velocity with which i flew.
i could not have stopped myself if i tried.
because of this major wipeout (Major Wipeout! - HIMYM fans?) i've had these ridiculous scabs on my knees and my left elbow/arm. i forgot how bad a "picker" i am. it's probably borderline obsessive. is it easy for anyone not to pick a crusty scab?

just me?

okay. moving along.

today i took the boys for a bike ride in their new bike trailer that my parents bought for their collective birthdays to enjoy for this summer while we're here. it was a pretty long bike ride for someone who hasn't really done a long bike ride in quite some time. just over 10.5km. (my butt really hurts.)

i'm glad exercise is part of my life.
i want and need to exercise.
not just because i feel like i'll get fat but because i actually enjoy working my body and i feel better physically and emotionally after i exercise.

i like the length of my hair right now. sometimes when i let it air dry it looks awesome. sometimes it doesn't. (right now it looks awesome.)

on the craft docket for this week with the boys is this and this. i'm excited for both.

sometimes i feel like cramming my social calendar chock full.
sometimes i feel like hibernating.
right now? i feel like i might actually be somewhere in the middle. which is a good thing.

when the seasons change is when i find it hardest to fight materialism in my heart.

i think i'm falling deeper in love with Jesus. for me and Jesus it's always been gradual. no shocking testimony here. (aside from the fact that He chose me.)

i'm also falling deeper in love with jamie (we celebrated 7 years of marriage on saturday) and i'm so thankful to have married a man who loves Jesus more than he loves me. i'm also really thankful for God's grace and mercy to me and jamie.
we were so young and immature and selfish (okay, so i'm pretty much speaking mainly for me) and yet He has used us and changed us and held us together so that i can honestly say that i do love jamie more today than i did 7 years ago.

i am continuing to surrender my hopes and desires for what my family is "supposed" to look like and am holding my plans loosely in my upward-facing palms. i have lots of hopes and dreams and desires, but i'm learning to want what Jesus wants most of all. it's usually in this state that my dreams and hopes end up aligning with God's plans and desires for me. so good!

this is the part of the blog post where most people go back and edit and delete.
but i have many people in my life that i love dearly and haven't been able to share with as much lately and so here i am. unfiltered. unedited. this is me and my heart and my life as of recent.

home

the other night when i couldn't sleep i got thinking about all the places we've lived since we've been married and all the times we've moved and how it shouldn't be legal to move that many times and also at the same time i was thinking about the importance of "nesting" and settling into in our home in Uganda (whatever and wherever that will be) and how if all goes according to plan, when we move back to Canada, we'll have lived in Uganda longer than in any one place during the course of our marriage.
that is ridiculous.

when we got married, jamie and i were both living with our parents in toronto.
we moved from toronto to a fantastic 2 bedroom apartment in kitchener (about an hour west of toronto). jamie was commuting between the university of waterloo and the university of guelph working with campus for christ. i was working as a bank teller (or customer service representative) with td canadatrust.
i loved that first year of marriage.
we got married at the end of june in 2004 and had the rest of the summer to hang out with our friends, stay up late, watch tv, have dance parties, and well, you know. do what young married couples do.
ahem.
anyway...
during this year i wrestled with my desire to serve God but not being entirely certain that working with campus for christ was where i was supposed to be.
eventually i realized it was and so i joined staff with campus for christ in april 2005. i left my job at td and we moved out of our apartment and into jamie's mom's place in toronto.
so we lived in toronto with jamie's mom and sister while we raised my portion of support (campus for christ's staff raise 100% of their salary) for the next 8 months.
once we had raised almost all our support we moved to guelph (roughly just under 1 hour away from toronto)  in february 2006 to work solely at the university of guelph.
we found a 2 bedroom 1/2 below ground apartment in a 3 storey apartment building.
 we would have stayed in this apartment for a lot longer if i hadn't got pregnant in january 2007.
we wanted to keep our home office and our bedroom separate so we were on the hunt for a 3 bedroom apartment.
we almost took a town home but as costs kept adding up a 3 bedroom apartment opened up in the complex we were living in for only $50 more a month.
we took it.
and moved across the parking lot.
i was 8 months pregnant.
and it was on the third floor. no elevator. which was okay because i just figured it would be like my built in exercise. no biggie.
and this was a great apartment. i laboured in the living room and then gave birth to noah in our bedroom. it was perfect.
we would have stayed there with subsequent children if it hadn't been on the top floor. with no elevator. and there was no way i could do stroller + 21 month old toddler + baby in an infant carseat + groceries by myself - just forget about it.
so when we found out in october 2008 that i was pregnant again we knew we had to move. again.
onto a new home.
we found our home in an actual house - still renting, though.

when i was (again) 8 months pregnant we moved into our lovely (and current) home.
i laboured in the beautiful and spacious backyard. i gave birth in our bedroom. i have played with my sons and baked up a storm in our kitchen. to have had a garage to park our car during the winter and laundry just steps away have been huge blessings.
we had planned to stay here until we had saved enough to buy our own home and then move for a final time.
and then God called us to Africa.
so we're moving. again. and a lot sooner than we thought we would. and while living in this house has been the longest we've stayed in any one place, we'll still end up being in uganda for longer (if all goes according to plan).
each place we've lived in holds some really special memories and the fact that we still do not own our own home was sometimes hard as it was too easy to compare our lives to others around us in similar life stages. but we realized that we could just "up and go" without having to worry about paying a mortgage or finding
suitable renters who won't trash the place while we're off the continent.
maybe some day we'll own, but for now - we're happy with where we're at and anticipating where we'll be in a years time!

Mixed bag

I'm a mixed bag when it comes to parenting and household-running-type stuff.

And secretly (although now it's not so much a secret) I kinda like that I break the mold.

I've had 2 home births.

But...I've done CIO (cry it out - or versions of CIO) with both my boys.

I've breastfed both my boys until at least 1 year.

But I've also introduced bottles & formula at around 10 months with both.

I've done jarred baby food and homemade baby food.

I cloth diaper about 50% of the time (because I can) with one of my boys.

I use cloth bags for grocery shopping (but that's mainly because I can't bring myself to pay 5 cents per bag although sometimes if I'm desperate I do).

I can't sew to save my life (but I wish I could).

I've had both my boys vaccinated on schedule plus extra for Noah when we traveled to Africa.

I have no problems buying food products to save time/make my life easier like Mum Mums (ie. I'm not really into scouring food labels to make sure everything is all organic or whatnot, although I do appreciate it when the ingredients are simple and I know what everything is). But I also like to avoid sugary things for my boys (especially Noah who is so clearly a LOVER of all things SWEET).

I just really can't bring myself to wear my babies. With both of them being gigantor children I just haven't had the time or money to experiment with slings/carriers/etc. to try and find "the right one" that doesn't KILL MY BACK. Not that there's anything wrong with it - we had a baby bjorn and a hot sling, but only used them for limited times and desperate measures (ie. bouncing our firstborn to sleep during the first couple months during "the witching hour").

I use our beloved white noise machine for both boys.

I don't co-sleep. I didn't with our first and with our second I was less paranoid so he got brought into bed for a few weeks in the later part of the early morning (read: 4am-7amish) but in general I sleep worse with another tiny human in my bed (if I sleep at all). So it just didn't work for us.

But in general, I'm glad I'm neither here nor there in the extremes of parenting. It helps me remember that everyone is different (and that means babies too!) and so there's no one right way to parent your child. Some bottle feed from day one. Some do epidurals. Some have C-sections*. Some co-sleep. Some rock their babies to sleep until they are 18 months. We do what works for us or what we can handle at that moment. We do what we've committed to. What we believe is right for us and our family and our marriage and our children. And it looks different for everyone. And I'm so glad it looks different. Because...I don't want to look like everyone else.

I want to be me.

And I want our family to be us.

And I want our family to be happy to be us.

*I realize that while some do not CHOOSE to have a C-section, it definitely falls into a certain type of "stigma" in the parenting circles, just as much as home birthing or extended breastfeeding. I won't get into all that here, just to say that I have wonderful and dear friends who have had multiple sections and I see how closely bonded they are to their kids and their kids to them. It is not "wrong" or "worse" to have had a C-section. Birth in and of itself is a beautiful miracle. That is all.

thoughts

I haven't blogged a lot lately.

I'm not sure why.

I've been thinking about a lot of things. They just haven't transfered to this blog.

Parenting, Jesus, exercise, eating, family, friends, traveling...

I've been thinking about a lot of things.

On Tuesday we fly out to BC for 10 days with both boys for a work conference. I'm excited. My mind is constantly thinking, thinking, planning, prepping. It'll be the first time we've flown with both boys. And the first time Noah will have his own seat.

When we get home (Friday) the next day Jude turns ONE. But it's too soon for me to throw a party the next day so we'll do it on Monday since my cousin is having a (bridal) shower on the Sunday. In Michigan. 4 hours away.

And of course I got all ambitious this year and decided to do a "themed" birthday party for Jude. Which means a themed cake. Which I had hoped to bake ahead of time and freeze. And I still might do it. But I don't even know how to make this cake (I'm not telling you what it's going to be, but it's going to be CUTE!) so I'm giving myself permission to bail whenever it gets too stressful (ie. not fun).

And on that note, I AM having more fun these days. I am happier. More content. Trying harder to be the "Keeper of My Home". Domestically speaking, that is.

Some days I do AWE.SOME. Some days are a major FAIL.

Every day I try to be PRESENT for my boys and be all there and NOT sucked into this tricky thing called THE INTERNET. Some days I do AWE.SOME. Others...you guessed it. FAIL.

But I'm receiving Grace. And finally starting to desire HIM and His Word. It's been awhile since I've felt that.

Being a woman/wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend is complicated and multi-faceted. But I like that. It's hard, don't get me wrong, but when I think about how I have the rest of my life to keep growing and learning...it's a good feeling.

I think I'd get bored if I could be AWE.SOME at everything.

Off I go to keep thinking and do a bit of packing before bed...

6 years

Six years ago today I married the best man I know.

Jamie and I met each other when we were about 9 years old at our church. We've grown up together. We were friends first and then high school sweethearts.

When we finally got married it was perfect day.
It was fun and funny.

I was so glad for all the work and stress and details that went into that day (because up until that day I totally wanted to elope).

All our friends were there.

All our family were there.

I wore the dress.

We said "I do".

We kissed.

We ate.

We danced.

It was a beautiful day.

The last 6 years have been really fun, but especially the last few have been hard. Having kids does not make a marriage any easier.

But it does make it fuller.

Deeper.

Sweeter.

It has shown me the depth of the man I married. The patience. Forgiveness. Steadfastness.

He is so much more than who I thought he was 6 years ago.
I pray I keep discovering and learning and loving him when we're celebrating our 26th anniversary.