friends and birthdays and Halloween {o my!}

Last week worlds collided. Our best friends from Uganda came to visit us from New Jersey! The Hallahans {you can read about our times in Uganda here and here or you can check out Kelly's blog here} were doing a road trip across America and stopped in to visit with us for a few days. It was awesome and such a gift. 

Kelly and I. I was super pumped to be able to see her and her baby bump {a girl!}.

Happy {loud} times with these boys reunited. 

It was great to catch up and chat with friends who understand what life is like in North America but also what life is like in Uganda. That is a precious gift to me that I honestly didn't think would happen. So glad they came!

Their visit was perfectly timed with Noah's birthday {and party} so after school on Noah's birthday we had his party which included a couple friends from school, the Hallahan boys, a friend from church and Jude. Of course. 

Noah wanted to have a Star Wars Angry Birds party and I {of course} waited until pretty much the last minute until calling in a {HUGE} favour from my Mom to bust out the cake skills and make one for Noah. 

Right? I mean, mind = blown. 

So that was awesome. And we played Star Wars Angry Birds bingo and one of Noah's friends kept winning but he had THE BEST declaration of bingo I think I've ever heard which made me laugh every time so it was all good.

And then yesterday was Halloween! 

We totally rocked the group theme costume.

These crazy kids. Such troopers and highly motivated by candy. Seriously. They walked around the neighbourhood with no complaints in the wind and rain and cold. For candy. Reminds me of this:

"EVERYONE WE KNOW IS JUST GIVING OUT CANDY!?!?" Love it.

Noah was Clone Commander Rex {from Star Wars The Clone Wars}, Jude was Darth Vader and Blaise was an Ewok. Cute, eh? {I'm biased, I know.}

And then my family came over for dinner to celebrate my sister's graduation ceremony from University. It was such a happy night and I love my house being full of noise and love and laughter. Exactly what I had pictured in our living room {which is coming along! Hardwood laminate floors and white walls. No art or baseboards but it's getting there.}. Good food. Lots of laughter and love. Can't go wrong there.

Happy Weekend to you! I am trying to keep up with my blogging. Eventually I'll figure out a way to stay up to date here while also staying present in the real world. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

enough

There are moments where I ask myself,
Did the last two years even happen?
Because everything seems the same. I seem the same. They seem the same. This city and all the familiar places seem ... the same.

And then there are moments that are almost like a slap in the face with clarity and realization that scream in my face, YES. The last two years really did happen and I wasn't here. I was in Uganda. I have changed. So has everyone else. In one way or another.

Isn't it funny that what I missed most while I was in Uganda, is the same thing I miss now that I'm back in Canada?
Being known. Belonging. 

It's like re-learning the lesson of where I truly belong and can call home all over again.
This isn't my home. I'm not meant to feel truly settled on this earth.

I'm struggling to find my routine. To figure out where and how I fit. To figure out what I'm supposed to be doing here. In Guelph. In this life.
The simple answer is giving glory to God in all that I am.

But what does that mean for me, a Mother of three boys, two of which have just started school for the first time? What does that mean for me, a wife, married to my best friend, but trying to find time for our marriage in the middle of chaos and a fast-paced life? What does that look like? What does it mean for me?

And the things that Jesus is teaching me are things He's already taught me before. And the way He continues to reveal the ugliness of my soul can sometimes feel devastating and frustrating.

But there is grace. And sweet gentleness. And unconditional love. And mercy.

Last week I read through the book of Ephesians {hands down, my favourite book in the Bible} and once again was just struck with the depth of my need for a Saviour and how despite my rebellious, ugly nature, Christ died for me. He loved me. Before I ever did a thing to love him or move toward him with any good intentions or repentance.
Before I was repentant
He came for me.

So I don't really know a lot these days. But I do know that I am loved. That He chose me. And I think that if I really internalize and ruminate upon that truth, all my actions will flow from His love for me. 

And that will be enough. 

a stripping away

We have less than 4 months left in Uganda before moving back to Canada.
LESS THAN FOUR MONTHS.

Since we've been back from Spain we've all been brutally sick.
We've had a really crappy water situation.
We've had rotten power and were without for over 3 days straight.
We've had bedbugs and "African B.O.".
Blaise is adorable as ever, but I'm waking up at least 3 or 4 times a night still with him. Colour me sleep deprived.

and I've gone off sugar.

I feel like all the things I usually go to are being stripped away.
A nice shower before bed to wash off the sweat and dirt and grime of the day? Nope.
An internet connection or even battery on my computer/phone to connect with friends and family? Nope.
A lovely chocolate bar in a particularly stressful moment of the day? Nope. {Although this is my own doing.}
The feeling of being safe from critters, even in your own bed? Nope.
A solid 5+ hours of consecutive {or total} sleep? Nope.

God is stripping these things away from me. He is not done with me even though I only have 4 more months left in Uganda. I know that He still has much for me. I often reflect and think, Have I even changed? Is my life different because I moved to Uganda for two years? Do I love Jesus more than I did 2 years ago?

I feel like a small child. Slow to listen. Slow to learn. I feel gratitude for the patience and mercy of God toward me.

Because He continues to say to me, Come to ME. Rest in ME. Find your solace and your comfort in ME. Those other things may be good, but they won't last like I do. Come to me, sweet child. I will give you rest.

I have changed, but it is not of my own doing. It is all Jesus. Alive in me. Isn't that absolutely mind-blowing? Stop and think about it. Jesus. Is alive. In me. It is Him working to change my character into someone who is more gracious and generous. Someone who loves more, gives more, serves more joyfully.

I also feel like Jesus is helping me reroute my attention back to my family. Like I'm coming full circle to where I began when we first moved here. I have my three amazing, precious boys. Shut the laptop. Walk away from the iPad. Get down on the ground and play cars or Lego. Get the puppets out. Climb a tree. Make a craft. DANCE PARTY!

So there is a stripping away that continues in my life. I pray that when we move back to Canada, I continue to be changed. Even when it's hard and painful and the stripping away just plain sucks. Because I don't want to look back in another two years and wonder, Have I even changed/grown at all? Do I love Jesus more now than I did two year ago?

new years eve in pictures

- star wars episode VI; the boys watched it {and loved it} for the first time!

- roasting hot dogs!

- handsome. oh and the baby's pretty cute, too.

- homemade hummus and pita chips. {so good! and apparently Jude's favourite!}

- s'mores pre-marshmallow. the boys first time having them. shockingly they weren't that keen on them. I think they were too stickity-messy. Oh well. Oh and Jude burnt his hand on the bbq. It's not a real bbq until someone gets burnt. Or something.

No more pictures were taken after this, but that doesn't mean we stopped having fun! No sir, our celebrations included about a 15 minute discussion on what movie to watch once the boys were in bed {Anger Management was decided upon and enjoyed} and then a lively game of Wizard that took us until 2:30am. We almost missed midnight! We could see a lot of fireworks from our hill and decided to wake up Noah and Jude to see them. It was sweet and they loved it.
And in classic Ugandan style, power went out about 5 minutes after midnight and we spent the last 16 hours without power. It's how we roll here. Bringing in the new year with no power.

Blaise was up at 6:30am but thankfully went back to sleep until 9, but Noah and Jude were up and at 'em by 7am. Coffee, anyone?

a gobblety goop of things

it's been a good week. but it hasn't been an easy week.

we're currently experimenting with not swaddling blaise for his naps. he sleeps no better, but no worse. we'll see how it goes.

blaise got his 2 month immunizations on tuesday. he's been a bit irritable during the days. thankfully still sleeping really well at night.
i'm tired. and most days i feel like i fail more than i succeed. but there's grace. and strength.
i'm feeling a bit lonely and missing face-to-face conversations with people who know me and love me and understand me. but there's grace. and strength.

i had a bit of an ache in my heart the other day as we drove the streets of kampala. i was thinking about how i'll miss living here when we leave. i'm very much excited for the day we return to canada, but right now? kampala is home for us. and there are many things i'll miss about living here. {noah remarked to me almost seconds after i thought this that he is glad we're moving back to canada because the streets are bigger and don't have pot holes. yeah. that'll be nice.}

i crocheted a scarf. it's incredibly soft and thick. and warm. much too warm for here. but i'm saving it for when we go to spain in january.
you can find the pattern here.

i haven't exercised all week {tired much?} and i've been scarfing down chocolate. holding crying babies makes me crave chocolate.

jamie challenged me/us to watch all our christmas movies this year. we figured out that we have 22. so far we've watched five.

our tree is up. the stockings are hung. we're listening to christmas music. and i'm loving watching the boys act out the christmas story with their little people nativity set. the other day i heard noah yelling at jude: LET US IN! WE NEED A ROOM!!! LET US IN OR I'LL PUNCH YOU!
i looked over and found that he was holding mary and joseph and jude was holding one of the wise men. i think maybe he was supposed to be the innkeeper. i'm not quite sure that's how it all went down, but i like jospeh's protective and assertiveness.

a wasp flew into our living room the other day. as it was flying around, it got stuck in a spider's web. i have never seen a daddy long legs {or whatever this african equivalent is called} move so quickly! seriously. the spider was on that wasp so fast. but the wasp got free and we eventually "swooshed" it outside again.

i would like to sleep for the entire weekend. but that's not going to happen.
there are so many good things in my life. but life is not always easy. no matter your stage in life or where you live.
wishing you a wonderful weekend! {and a happy thanksgiving to all my american friends and readers!}

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: slow down

part four in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here, part two here and part three here.


this has been a lesson i've whole-heartedly engaged in over this past year.

slow down.

i'm going to be honest here. we lead a pretty slow life here. some would call it boring. heck, some days i would call it boring. we {the kids and i} don't often leave the house. we don't have preschool or kindergarten to go to. we don't do extracurricular activities and have struggled to find a church to belong to. there are no sidewalks here and walking along the road you're likely to get side-swiped by a taxi {public transit-type van} or a bodaboda {motorcycle}. there aren't public libraries or swimming pools here. we have nothing we're obligated to attend here and for awhile it felt wrong to be so unencumbered by programs or places. 
but then i thought about it for a moment and realized it was a gift. i will never have time like this again with my children. my children will never again be this age and giving me all of their time. every single minute of every single day is spent soaking up time with me. to some this might sound like a death sentence, but i've chosen to see it as a gift and a blessing. i always wanted to be a mom. i wanted to stay at home and raise my kids and right now? now i get to. 
it's amazing to me that noah is 5 and jude is 3 and blaise? he's 6 weeks old as of today! 

i've learned {and am continuing to learn} the beauty and value in slowing down. living in the moment. time goes by fast enough without me wishing for the next stage. how sad it would be for me to blink and realize that i'm 75 years old and i've spent my entire life wishing for time to go by faster so i can get to "insert a time in the future here". there is beauty in the here and now with my children. 

the long, lanky legs of my 5 year old, racing up and down our driveway. 
the hilarious "hey wait" that jude says every other sentence.
the sweet coos from blaise as he makes eye contact with me.

these are the moments that disappear before i can appreciate where i am if i'm always looking for what's coming up next.

i am tired and sleep deprived and sometimes short on patience, but this time is short and it will pass and i will have difficulty remembering the harder moments. all i will remember will be the sweet moments of sitting with jude on my lap at the table as we draw pictures together and giggle at the way jude calls a scarf a "scarft". the moments where noah throws his arm around jamie as they sit together on the couch. the moments of holding a sweetly sleeping baby who sighs and smiles in his sleep. these are the ones i want to remember and soak up.

so i am learning to slow down. in fact, this one lesson has been so incredibly valuable and precious to me that i already have small fears creeping in about returning to canada and the fast pace of life that i will encounter and undoubtedly struggle with. but that will be another lesson to be learned. all in good time, right?

5 things i've learned since becoming a mom: trust your instinct

part three in a five part series of things i've learned since becoming a mom 5 years ago.
you can read part one here and part two here.


the panic and anxiety inside me was building up. i felt sweaty and a bit frantic. i ripped into the last few remaining presents with gusto while pasting an attempt at a calm smile on my face.

it's okay. he's fine. i'll go get him in just a second. i don't want to keep you all here any longer.

i could hear noah's cries start to get more and more frenzied and my heart beat just a little bit faster. my palms were sweaty. finally at their urging i got up from my present-opening and went and got my baby from the upstairs and after a quick feed and an attempt at calming both of us down, i came back out to the baby shower. my baby shower.
this was supposed to be happy and joyous and exciting. all these women were here to celebrate the birth of my first child. so then why did i feel like curling up in a ball and crying for hours?
after the last of the women left i did go back upstairs into my parents' bedroom and cry and cry.

so i had post partum depression after noah was born. the mad torrent of emotions and hormones swirling around inside of me combined with unrealistic expectations and a head full of knowledge of how things should be {plus the sleep deprivation of having a newborn} led to me feeling confused, desperate and unhappy.

i am a knowledge specialist by nature. that is to say, when i'm interested in something i will google the heck out of it, borrow books from friends, the library and ask anyone and everyone who will answer me on that subject. i did this when i was pregnant with noah. i read about pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenting philosophies. i think there is a value to gaining insight and looking into things you're not sure about, but in this case i forgot one major part of parenting;

trust your instinct.

i forgot to trust my natural gut feeling as a new mother. i just read the books and thought everything would fall into place accordingly. so when things didn't turn out and i had a screaming baby and my hormones were screaming just as loudly i fell apart. 
after about 3 months of feeling antisocial and unhappy and constantly on edge and worrying about if the baby would start crying again, the clouds lifted and my hormones leveled out somewhat. i decided to implement a routine and things started to become more manageable.

but when noah turned 6 months, we were on a plane to tanzania, africa for two months. this was a huge step of faith for me, but it turned out to be one of the most valuable parenting experiences for me. internet wasn't readily available. i didn't have my friends with me to ask my questions. all i had was me. so i learned to trust my instinct. i learned not to be so rigid in my expectations. i learned the value in having a routine, but not being a schedule-nazi and that diverting from our usual routine every now and then wasn't the end of the world. 
i learned to trust that i was a good mother for noah and that i could trust my instinct to hold him or to let him cry, to keep him up or breastfeed him to sleep. 

noah on safari in tanzania

me on the carrick-a-rede rope bridge in northern ireland with noah. this thing freaked me out. 

as noah has grown and i've had two other babies since then, i've been a lot more easy-going {like i thought i would be from the very beginning!} and i've really learned to just go with the flow. i've listened to my gut on things like whether or not we needed to take noah to the hospital for a dislocated elbow {before we knew what it was, of course}. i've trusted my instinct on delaying potty training, giving up on cloth diapering and moving our family to uganda. 
there are countless stories from other moms who have regretted not trusting their instinct about different things concerning their child's development. there are also countless stories about moms who have trusted their instinct and pushed for answers and were right despite others telling them nothing was wrong. 

my approach now to things is to use a combination of books and resources {including friends and other people} but to think about how their advice/recommendation fits with my child, my children and/or my family. if it's not working for our family as a whole, it's likely not going to work or last for very long.

so if you're a new mom, don't forget to put that book down every now and then and trust what feels right for you and your family. you are the best mom for your child and whether you choose breast or bottle, CIO or co-sleeping, to wait it out with baby tylenol or a trip to the hospital, don't forget to trust your instinct. it's God-given and it's unique to you and your child. 

i think if i could go back and tell PPD vanessa anything, it would be this, from 2 timothy 1:7,

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

as someone who loves Jesus, i know that i have his spirit within me and i can trust that He is guiding me and will give me wisdom in all situations - including parenting!

*as a side note, if you are struggling with PPD, please talk to someone and get some help. it doesn't always clear on its own and feeling unhappy and depressed and desperate isn't normal. here are a few resources to get you started. Post-Partum Support International, PPD/PPA resources

reflections on prenatal care {part two}

this is a continuation from my post yesterday. check it out here.

now where was i...? oh yes. my thoughts on prenatal care.

after all that raving about how amazing midwives are, please understand that...
3. not everyone who goes with a midwife will have excellent care. i had a friend in canada who actually ended up transferring her prenatal care to a doctor {from her midwives} because she didn't feel like she was being taken seriously and the concerns she had weren't being addressed properly with the midwife practice she was with. in the end, an OB was the best choice for her and her baby. and that's okay. i think the important thing is that she went with her gut and in the end did what she felt she needed to do for her peace of mind, her health and her baby's health.
my friend in the UK is currently with a midwife who is one of 2 midwives in her area who attend home births {this friend is hoping for her first home birth, although it will be her second birth!}. due to the high demand, my friend has only had a few appointments with this midwife and in some of them she has seemed scattered, unfocused and rushed. this made me sad and a bit annoyed for my friend as this midwife should be seeking to offer a quality of service that she seems unable to provide for her clients due to taking on too many {or so it would seem to me!}. i hope in the end that my friend gets a wonderful home birth experience and that her midwife is able to offer her support and care that is timely and comforting in the time she needs it most. it just seemed sad to me as she commented that she had gotten to know her OB better when she was pregnant the first time. midwife does not always equal nurturing, quantitative {45 mins-1 hr appointments!} care.

4. just because you're in a first world country does not mean prenatal care is going to be awesome. another friend of mine had a beast of a doctor for the first bit of her pregnancy. his rude and unhelpful comments stressed her out and in the end, she fired him and found a better doctor who listens to her and validates her concerns without being condescending or unhelpful. sometimes you have to do "the needful" {as they say here} and leave your OB/midwife if your instinct is telling you that it's not what you want/need.

5. my care here in uganda has been good. i had a midwife {from the UK} giving me my prenatal care up until 36 weeks and then i was transferred to a doctor at the hospital she works closely with and had nothing but rave reviews for him. i am so thankful to have had michele as my midwife here and have nothing but positive things to say about her. she gave me a realistic perspective of what to expect from giving birth in a hospital and in uganda. she gave me insight into the system here and helped me to feel confident despite being an expat "mzungu" {white person}.
i've had two appointments with my doctor and he is soft-spoken but seems competent and confident and from different interactions with people i know here and strangers i've met, i've heard nothing but good things from them as well. i have mixed feelings about giving birth here and in a hospital {mostly the hospital part, to be honest}, but i think that this experience will help me relate to those who have had hospital births in the past as well as give me an opportunity to make the most of this situation - despite the fact that it's not my ideal.

while in the past i might have pushed home births and midwives, i am a little bit older now and hopefully a bit wiser, too. and i am so incredibly thankful for modern medicine, doctors, surgeons and hospitals for the births that are higher risk and more complicated than mine have been. we are blessed.
i have several friends in canada who had high-risk pregnancies due to heart defects, being pregnant with twins and several other issues. i am so incredibly thankful that they had access to the care that they needed for them and for their babies. in another century, who knows what would have happened? so please don't think i am anti-doctor/hospital/medications. i am not.
i think now what i would push is for women to educate themselves. what is best for you and your baby may not be best for everyone. so seek to find out if you like the care presented by doctors or midwives better. maybe you want a home birth but aren't completely comfortable so you look into a birthing center and that becomes your best choice/option. maybe you look into it and decide that a hospital with an epidural is the way to go for you. if you've done your research, i say go for it. {i'd also like to add, that you are stronger than you think you are. and that pain in and of itself isn't necessarily something to be afraid of.}

perhaps with the arrival of this baby i will have begged and pleaded for an epidural. maybe i'll have back labour or maybe my labour will be long and arduous like neither of my other two were. who knows? only God does {as noah likes to remind me}. and so i put my trust in Him and trust that this body that has so graciously and amazingly and miraculously birthed two other babies before baby B can do it again.

i am so looking forward to the journey and the story and sharing it with you when it does happen!

*as always, i love to hear from you, your experiences and dialogue with you. if anything i've said offends or strikes you as incorrect or needs clarifying, please don't hesitate to comment! i understand that the nature of our choices as women and mothers can sometimes cause tension or judgement and that's not my intent at all. i just wanted to share some of my thoughts and reflections on my personal experiences.*

on having adventures and being productive too

last week we had a few things we needed to get done as the noon hour {or mid-day as they call it here} hit. they were:
1. take out money from the bank
2. mail a package of pretty ugandan jewelry to my sister in law
3. buy some chapatis {pregnancy craving and the boys love 'em!} to accompany our lunch

so we decided to go on a family adventure into mengo - a nearby area of kampala. we drove and parked at the hospital nearby and first went to get some money.
that was easily accomplished after jamie picked up jude to cross the road and noah tugged at my arm to "RUN!" across the road at the first break in traffic.

next up was to find the mengo "posta" {post office}. we knew generally where it was, but inquired after two more people before we found it. i had to buy a bigger envelope to fit all my goodies in but the posta didn't sell them. nope. it was the little hut just outside the posta that sold everything from pepsi and snacks to airtime for your mobile and envelopes. i bought one for 500 shillings. {2500 shillings = 1 canadian dollar to put it into perspective}.
the package cost 43,000 shillings to mail and i'm hoping my sister in law gets it by mid-september. mail seems to work a lot faster going out of uganda than it does coming in.

finally was the chapatis. jamie knew the area better than i did so he directed us to the line up of little stands selling chapatis, samosas, sodas, airtime and rolex. no. not the watches. a rolex is a local snack that's made up of a chapati rolled up with a fried egg and often some vegetables like onions and tomatoes inside it. it's good. but it's all fried. so i limited myself to one per year. and i've filled that quota already. ha! we picked up 3 chapatis and watched while they were being made. it was sunny and the boys were hot from walking back up the hill from the posta so we bought them a mango juice and the people around laughed and smiled as they drank from 2 straws and literally chugged away the entire bottle while the chapatis were being made.

it was quite the accomplishment for me being pregnant and walking around, but mostly? accomplishing THREE things in just over an hour. seriously. you're lucky if you can accomplish three things in a day around here.

noah was wearing his manchester united jersey {the kid is already a huge fan. he insists on often wearing his jersey two days in a row if he can get away with it.} and the ugandans liked to call out after him, "manchester united!" or "wayne rooney!" {i had to explain to noah that wayne rooney is a player on the man u team. he asked if he was a boy or a man and didn't really seem to understand how they could mistake him for a man. i didn't bother to inform him it's because he's white, has short hair, and a round-ish face.} ugandans generally love kids and will call out "baby!" after them. yes. even my almost 5 year old gets called "baby". jude really doesn't like being called "baby" and at the craft market that we frequent they actually know him as "the big boy" because he has yelled back at them, "i'm NOT a baby, i'm a BIG BOY!".

ugandans here in the city aren't the most friendly right off the bat. often they'll just stare at you. but say "good morning!" or "good afternoon!" to them and watch if their face doesn't light up into a big smile at you. especially if you're pregnant. or have kids. it's not what i thought it would be, but i realized that often if i don't make the first move, then all that happens is me getting stared at and feeling uncomfortable.
so there are similarities. life in the city is life in the city - no matter where you are. whether it's toronto or kampala. if you don't take the initiative to smile and say hello, chances are no one will do the same to you.

so smile and say hello to someone today and you just never know what might happen!

baked taquitos!

am i the only one who saves recipes on their computer to try for a later date? seriously. i have folders upon folders all categorized into recipes that i hope to one day make.
anyway, this recipe i've had since i can't remember when but when i was making my meal plan for this week, i decided it was now or never. or at least not for awhile.

also? i love those freezer taquitos you can buy. or the ones that rotate on those grill thingies at the 7-11. they look so greasy and delicious. and deep fried. so good. {o hello pregnancy cravings!}

anyway, so here's a slightly healthier alternative to freezer taquitos OR 7-11 deep fried ones.
i didn't have all the ingredients it called for {the grocery store didn't have green onions or cilantro and salsa is crazy-expensive here and i think i've only seen teensy-tiny little limes once - and not at the store i was at} but it still tasted STINKIN DELICIOUS. my boys asked for seconds {!} and i downed my fair share as well.

baked taquitos
recipe slightly adapted from meal planning 101

1 lb ground beef
2 tbsp taco seasoning {i made my own. check out this one for a cheaper alternative than store bought.}
1/3 cup cream cheese {it's super expensive here & hard to find. i happened to have some laughing cow cheese so i used that instead. delish!}
1/4 cup salsa {again, too expensive and hard to find. i used canned diced tomatoes with green chilis}
1 tbsp lime juice {used a bit of lemon juice. lime would give it a nice kick, though!}
3 tbsp cilantro, chopped {would have loved to have had this.}
2 tbsp green onions, chopped {also would have been good. someone please make this with the proper ingredients and let me know how it is, kay? ha!}
1 cup grated cheese {cheddar, mozzarella or pepperjack - i used cheddar}
12 small flour tortillas {i made my own! they are fairly simple, but a bit time consuming.}

heat your oven to 425. line a baking sheet with foil and lightly coat with cooking spray.

in a large frying pan over med-high heat, brown the ground beef and break it up into crumbles as it cooks. add the taco seasoning and cook the beef about 8 minutes until cooked through.

heat the cream cheese {we don't have a microwave but if you do, about 20-30 seconds should suffice} so it's soft and easy to stir. add the salsa, lime juice, cilantro and green onions and then stir to combine. once the beef is browned, add the beef and cheese and combine well.

place 2-3 tbsp of beef mixture on the lower third of the tortilla, keeping it about 1/2 inch from the edges. roll it up as tight as you can. place seam side down on the baking sheet. lay all of the taquitos on the baking sheet and then spray the tops lightly with cooking spray or brush with a bit of oil and sprinkle some kosher salt on top. place the pan in the oven and bake for 15-20 minutes or until crisp and the ends start to get golden brown.

dip the taquitos in salsa, sour cream {we use plain yogurt here}, guacamole or all of the above!

i served this with a side of mangoes sprinkled lightly with cinnamon. it was a perfect combination and i'm making these again!

1 year

a year ago today we arrived in uganda. it seems like just yesterday and at the same time it seems like we've been here for forever.
kampala is home now. the traffic doesn't make me fear for my life {oh wait, yes it does. sometimes. but definitely less so.} and i'm not weirded out by the non-refrigerated cartons of milk that line the grocery store shelves {in fact, despite how much i miss the taste of canadian milk, it's incredibly convenient to have milk sitting in my pantry when i run out!}. the weather here is amazing and i love our cool mornings and evenings.
our view is epic and today was one of the clearest i have ever seen it.
of course uganda likes to throw its curveballs and we were without power since yesterday afternoon until tonight - with a fridge full from a recent grocery shop. of course.
but the cool thing was that i just finished talking with the boys and praying and asking God to turn on the power so our fridge when minutes later {literally!} the power turned on. it's so cool to see answers to prayers like that with my kids!

this year has not been without challenges and frustrations. blessings and laughter.
i am so glad we moved our family here. it has given us the chance as a family to bond together in a way that would have been near impossible had we stayed in guelph, surrounded by amazing friends and close enough to family. we are us. and i'm looking forward to this next year even more so, knowing the blessing of discovering on our own what we like to do, how we do christmas or birthdays and other holidays. it's a precious gift, this time and i know that i will never have a time like this again. both my boys are at home with me all day and another precious little man is about to enter our family. sometimes my mind projects into the future and i get what i've called "future fears" where i worry about what's to come and start grasping onto what we have now for fear of losing it all.
but that's foolishness. 

this upcoming year will be a different one from last year with a slightly different team and a new baby and feeling more settled, but i'm ready to embrace all that God has for my family, for me and for our team.

happy 1 year to us!

on doing the needful and feeling like a "mom"

that's one of the walls that surrounds our compound.
it's also one of the walls that doesn't have curly barbed wire on top of it.
it's also the one wall that backs onto the guest house behind us.

we had a canadian team come for may & june and at some point most if not all of the team stayed in the guest house. some of our team made friends with people from another short term missions group that were also staying at the guest house.
the last night that our canadian staff team were with us, i looked up and noticed a young guy walking in our yard. a young guy that i didn't know.
eventually i introduced myself as he seemed to know some of our team and found out he was part of the other team staying at the guest house.
i headed off to bed eventually and kept thinking,
i should tell jamie to ask him how he got into our compound, even though i'm fairly certain he hopped over our wall, instead of walking around and using the door at the gate.
then i thought to myself,
no. i'm an adult. this is my house. this is bothering me. i can say something and speak up for what i think is unacceptable. 
so i stepped back into the living room and just asked him,
um, did you come into our yard by the door in the gate, or did you hop over the wall?
he sheepishly admitted that he had hopped over the wall.
so i explained that we have a gate with a door and a night guard for a reason and though it takes a bit more effort, it's our yard and we don't know who's watching as he jumps over our wall and we are the ones who will continue living here after his team has gone and left {it'd also be a shame if our guard shot him with an arrow, thinking that he's a threat to us.}. i told him he was welcome to come over any time, but to please use the gate from now on.

i guess some people just think that the rules and considerations we use in our normal environments don't apply when we're in another country or environment. when would it be acceptable to hop the fence into someone's yard you don't know back in the US or Canada?

anyway, i felt like a real mom in that moment, lecturing the neighbourhood teenager for thoughtless behaviour. it made me chuckle and smile to myself.
it's also what we call here, "doing the needful". doing or saying what needs to be done or said.

have you ever done the needful? is there something that you need to do the needful about? have you had a classic "mom" moment?

on breathing

these ladies {aletha on the left of me, kelly to the right}. what an absolute blessing they both have been to me in my first year here in uganda.
they have both been like breathing in fresh air a midst the dust and diesel of this city.

before we left canada, i was googling resources for families living in kampala and came across kelly's blog. her and her family {same as mine; 2 boys about the same age} were preparing to move to kampala only months before we were. i left her a comment on her blog and we soon connected via blogs and emails. it wasn't too long after we arrived that kelly and i met up and the connection was instant. a friend! in kampala! thank you, Jesus!

about mid-october i decided to take a hiatus from facebook but feared how i would connect with other women in kampala without the help of facebook groups like "expats in uganda", etc. God is so good. he doesn't need facebook to connect people.
about a week later i got an email from a friend of a friend who lives in uganda and thought that me and another young mom she knew of should meet up for coffee and get to know each other and if it didn't work out, well that's fine. so me and this other mom {aletha} met up and i really liked her! she was honest and real and had already been living in uganda for a year with her two little kiddos. what a total blessing from God!

this next year is going to look different for me in terms of these two ladies. aletha and her family will be returning back to canada in october and both of kelly's boys will be in school 5 days a week. and oh yeah, i'll be having a baby in mere weeks. so it's going to look different for all of us, but i am so thankful for their friendship during my first year in kampala and whatever this next year looks like, i trust in God's provision for all my needs - all i have to do is look back to how He provided for me this past year and my hope is renewed.

everywhere is broken

i feel like i have to harden my heart so it doesn't hurt so much, sometimes. ya know?

she knew. as a fellow missionary she knew exactly how i felt. how i feel.

it's hard to be here. to allow yourself {your heart and life and emotions} to become entangled in society and people and their lives here. to see the brokenness and be unable to help everyone. or sometimes even one person. 

i wanted to escape. to be in my forever, eternal home. not to escape uganda because it's not a ugandan issue. it's a sin issue. and sin and problems and heartache are everywhere. canada is not immune to this sickness. it's everywhere. and today? i was done. i still feel done and i'd like to just be with Jesus in a perfect, whole, beautiful world.

i still feel like a big jerk for telling her how it feels to always be the people she runs to for money when she's run out; even when we just paid her last thursday and i know she was given some money from visitors we had here.

i feel like a jerk because i know that the shame she feels over not being able to provide for herself and her son is far deeper and painful than what i feel {in my house with 4 toilets and the toy boxes overflowing and the fridge and pantry fully stocked}. 

i feel like a jerk for giving out of frustration and a desire for her to just go and the situation to be resolved. i feel like a jerk because i didn't give out of love. i feel like a jerk because my heart is ugly.

but i also know that we're not here forever. what will happen to her and her son when we leave? who will she depend on if all she has is us? she must have more people than just us. right? she is worth more than a sparrow. He's supposed to care more for her than for the birds. so how come it feels like this hundred pound weight is sitting on my shoulders? as if we're the only ones she has and is relying on? 

i want to yearn more for my eternal home. but not like this. 

the prayer to have a heart like Jesus is not without its consequences. to have a heart like Jesus helps me to love more, but it's also a whole lot more painful, too.

Lord let me not grow weary. Bear me up when the pain is too much and I am tempted to harden my heart so I can survive in this broken world without hurting so much. Let me abide in You so that I am not trying to do this on my own strength, but in YOURS for it is YOU that changes hearts. Not me. 

You must increase and I must decrease. Let me always strive for this.

Amen.

3 things about being a canadian in uganda

1. canadians are known for frequently apologizing. living in uganda has doubled {at least} the amount i say "sorry". now all i can think of is george costanza saying, "you can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!". *

2. i love our four seasons in canada. {or two. if you call them "winter and construction.} seriously! i do! but living in the land of eternal summer has it's perks. like if it's rains on a weekend, it doesn't matter. it's not like it's taking away one precious day of vacation. it's just another day. and chances are, it'll clear up in about 20 minutes and be shining away like the most perfect beach day ever.

3. meeting other great canadians {and americans!} here has been such a blessing to me and my family. when you're living in a foreign country and you meet others who understand what you're coming from and what your current reality is, it's truly a wonderful thing. 

yesterday we celebrated canada day with my lovely friend aletha and her family as well as my amazing friend beth who traveled to uganda simply to hang out with us {!} and a new friend {whom beth met on the plane} from poland, marta. we ate, we laughed, we did sparklers. it was fabulous.

happy canada day to those in canada and around the world who celebrated and an early happy fourth of july to all the amazing americans i know!

linking up with the lovely Elaine for Miss Elaine-ous Mondays!


* the reason that i say sorry more here is that ugandans often say "sorry" to show empathy, not necessarily when they've done something wrong. for instance, if noah bumps his head and comes crying to me i'll almost always say, "sorry." i don't even know how to stop saying it. "sorry rehab", maybe?

on what i've learned...

as this STINT year is coming to a close {the short-term project has come and gone and our fellow teammates, nick and trevor, are heading back to canada on tuesday} i've been pondering and mulling over the things i've learned over this past year.
one thing in particular is actually all-encompassing and i've described in so many different ways.

giving thanks.
finding joy.
seeking beauty in the every day. in the mundane. 
splashes of glory.


i took a facebook hiatus from about october to sometime in february. it was so good for me and my soul and it really helped me become more confident in who i am apart from the praise of man, which is so easily found on facebook. or the interwebs in general.

how many likes did that status get?
look at all those comments on that cute picture of my boys!
that blog entry got so many page views!
what a great tweet by me. so many people retweeted it!


i took a step back and am learning to embrace who i am apart from everyone else. who God has fearfully and wonderfully made me to be. and to STOP comparing myself to everyone else.
and even though i'm back on facebook, i'm feel so much more aware of what i post. the words i choose. am i being salt and light? am i encouraging those who happen to see my statuses or am i merely looking for an outlet to boast or complain or seek justification? i'm definitely not seeking to present a false image of who i am. i am not happy all the time. i don't gush with love and patience and joy in every moment. i am not perfect. but i am aware of the fact that social media can be used for good and not just fill a void. or become an obsession.

and so these things that i've been learning over this past year. i want to share. to show that life is not easy. it is hard. and filled with challenges. but we have a choice. to choose joy. to choose our words so that they drip with life-giving encouragement instead of bitterness, grumbling and complaint.

the other day i was reading Abide in Christ by andrew murray and he spoke about how we are the branches and Christ is the vine. how all we need to do to abide in Christ is come to Him as we first came. in faith. trusting in the strength and life and love of the Saviour {our true vine} to do everything that he has promised He will do {help us to love, trust, abide, find joy and love others}. and that includes helping us to see the beauty in the mundane when everything around us is begging for negativity.

these days i've been struggling to love someone. i think we all have a person we struggle to love, at least at some point in our lives. part of me feels justified in this difficulty but i am praying for love because i know it's not going to come from anything within me. it's just not. so i'm praying and i'm trusting in my True Vine to come through and provide.

so i'm still learning. and growing. and it's good. HE is very, very good.

10 months in motion

we've been here for 10 months. amazing. some days it feels like we've been here for much, much longer. some days i can't believe how fast time has flown by.

last night as i lay cursing in my head at our stupid inverter, i thought to myself that i still find things to get angry about. to complain about. have i even changed at all?

i killed a cockroach last night with a kleenex box.

i say "keep your body to yourself" about ninety seven thousand times every day.

there's a bajillion pieces of lego on the ground.

oh hey there big belleh.

i made these delectable donuts a couple weeks ago and devoured about 6 in the span of 5 minutes. i'm going to make them again. {and i'll share the recipe when i do. and take better pictures.}

today or tomorrow. i should make them today because unlike my hometown of toronto, we're not experiencing high temperatures combined with humidity. i keep saying it, folks. perfect weather here in kampala. perfect weather.

i'm sitting on one of three couches in our living room. it's a one-seater. there are two little boys crouched behind me. fighting-playing. this always happens.

i want to set up our room for the baby. but jamie wants to wait until the guys move out of their house and we clean it so we can move our desk {which is in our room} to a clean "party house".

i may or may not have browsed mls.ca a couple days ago in two specific cities in ontario. and then i stopped. i need to live in the now. there will be time to figure out where we'll be living. but now isn't that time. and i also need to pray hard. i have loved living with less {although our house here is likely larger than any house we could afford in canada} and i don't want to get caught up in wanting, wanting, wanting. i want to live in a place that suits our needs and a place that allows us to freely give of our finances without having to pour them all into a temporary building that doesn't last for eternity.

i just said "keep your body to yourself". again.

jude thinks the living room carpet is a perfectly acceptable place to leave his finished apple core.

i have changed. but it's more of a changing. something that's continually happening. sometimes it's one step back and two steps forward. but always changing. moving. in motion.

i need to make some sandwiches for lunch. and maybe today i'll get around to exercising.

seek

we went on safari. it was lovely. but exhausting.

sometimes i feel like i'm in this stage with my two little fellas that is priceless. they play well together. they play well unsupervised. they are creative and funny and cute and absolutely lovable.

and then i feel the complete opposite of that. they fight nonstop. they sass back. they don't obey and they feed off of each other's bad behaviour. they are all the time physically fighting, fighting, fighting. 

how can two boys be so sweet and so devilish all at the same time?

my advice to those with young children (especially boys): take them to the zoo. not on safari. my kids were just there for the snacks. (seriously though, there were some fun moments on safari, but i stand by my advice. the zoo is better for little kids.)

it's a hard stage. but a good one. and i have to remind myself that this too shall pass. the adorable moments of this youth and the hard, difficult moments of training and correcting. 

being pregnant with two very stubborn and very lively little boys is tiring. but i'm seeking two things;

1. that i would abide in Christ. fully. and nonstop. i fail. but it is something i am striving for.

2. that i would be joy-filled. in the hard. and the ugly. in the laughter-filled. and in the quiet moments of contemplation. that i would find joy. 

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:9-11

june TWO

i woke up before the boys did this morning. darn pregnancy bladder.
we relaxed. ate muffins and yogurt. i had a tea.
then at around 10am i decided to get dressed. {it's a luxury to walk around in pj's when i usually have other boys in my house. so, ya know...i can't walk around indecent or anything.}
wrangled the boys into the car.
just as i had managed to open the gate, drive the car out, close the gate, get back into the car and start driving, jude poked noah in the eyeball.
sigh.
i almost turned around and went back home.
but i persevered.
and we were off to mishmash.
the boys played in the playground while i perused the farmer's market. i bought cinnamon raisin bagels, 2 zucchinis and some broccoli {my first since being in uganda!}. the latter two will be in my chicken stir fry tonight. yum.
then we all enjoyed some delicious drinks. 2 mango smoothies and my favourite, an iced lemon tea.

i love mishmash. they've got new artwork up. noah loves to go and wander through the place and check out the latest installment. i love that my boys are being exposed to art. and that mishmash supports local artists.

also? i can't believe it's june. wha? where did may go?

i sat from my spot at the table and watched the boys play in the playground. why is it that pretty much every child i know loves to go UP the slide? so interesting.

now we're back home. noah's having a quiet play time in my room and jude is sleeping. and me? i might just sit here and eat chocolate and watch an episode of private practice or something.
happy weekend!

linking up to steph who takes pictures of her 4 kids on the fourth of each month

first friday in june links

i'm on day 2 of solo parenting with jamie in mbale until monday. it's going pretty well so far.
i think it helps that the boys {and i!} have been sleeping well. thank you, Jesus!
this morning noah was up early and shortly thereafter jude was, too. they played for a bit and then we all got dressed and i made those banana muffins i've been craving while the boys watched noah's birthday videos {i asked friends and family to send videos to noah wishing him a happy birthday last october and he still loves watching them. so thank you to those who sent them!} and ate yogurt while they waited for the muffins to finish baking.
then noah proceeded to eat three muffins.
seriously. he's already eating me out of house and home. it's a good thing i doubled the batch.

potty training with jude is going so well! we go on outings with him in underpants and he lets me know when he needs to go. if we're at home, he'll run to the bathroom and go on his own. yesterday he peed standing up. i'm one proud mama. thankful this has been a low-stress undertaking.

jude had a blast wearing water wings while we were in jinja. my little water babies.

here are your weekend links!

recently i have a love-hate relationship with LEGO. noah loves to dump it out, but getting him to clean it up is sometimes like torture. this morning it wasn't so bad, but last night? brutal. and the teensy, tiny, itty bitty pieces? that's going to be trouble when baby b is born and crawling around. anyway, i have a feeling it's just going to be part of our lives for the next oh, 10 years or so. more? yikes. anyway, i love this LEGO birthday party for a 6 year old. 

and i am so making this popcorn. sweet and salty? you had me at hello.

and it's june 1st! crazy how fast time is just flying by. i love this website. there are "ways to play" for each month of the year. this is from last june, but it's a great list and you can download the list from each month.

i'm totally crushing on chevrons. and picnics? who doesn't love a picnic? combine the two and it's a beautiful thing.

101 spring freezer meals. 'nuff said. {this list is AWESOME.}

this blog post. it's so tragic that things like this happen all the time here in uganda and in other countries in africa. i am facebook friends with keren and she is fighting for justice for women and families here in uganda and for cihldren to stop being taken from families and placed up for adoption or other heart-breaking situations. please check it out. let's all get educated about what's really happening behind the scenes of adoption.