pregnant & one week old comparison

so glad he's in my arms and not my belly. 

still pregnant friday links

yes i am both still alive and still pregnant. {why yes, i am 13 days overdue now.}

bottom line:
i've been hiding from social media. no one likes a whiner.

but i'm actually doing well. just in a bit of hibernation.
saw the doctor today. my blood pressure is good for the first time in awhile! baby B is still a mover and a shaker and his heartbeat is good. everything looks fine so we wait.
i'm thankful for my doctor who is so understanding and flexible. he's listened to my questions and concerns and not tried to push me into anything.

my brother arrives with his girlfriend in uganda on sunday night. i did not think i'd still be pregnant at this point. but here i am. it'd be great if this baby was born before keven got here, but it is what it is.

no need to ask me if i'm still pregnant or tell me to have that baby already {really? i would if i could!} or give suggestions/advice on how to get this baby out. believe me. i've tried it all. babies come when they come and nothing can make them come earlier.
so don't worry. when he comes, i'll announce it here for sure. and then you'll know. and we can all celebrate together. preferably with a large glass of wine. and soft cheese.

in the meantime, i've been crocheting like a madwoman. i picked up a single row of a baby blanket i started months ago. today i have even more than this picture shows {picture a thicker stripe of rust-coloured yarn and a bunch more grey}.

so here are a few links for you this friday:

this blog post had me crying and laughing as i related to so much of what this mom went through when school started up.

oh i am so making these for my boys some day. adorable. and easy!

any thrifters out there? here are 5 must-know tips for you!

beautiful pictures on how to style your outdoor area. i know most of you are thinking of fall and autumn and putting away those summery outdoor patio sets, but i can't help but be in perpetual summer mode here, even if it is moving into {my favourite} rainy season.

yummy. peanut butter, chocolate and pretzels. make these this weekend.

well, happy weekend everyone!

power's out friday links

so here we are. tomorrow i'm 41 weeks. pregnant. still.

the days go by and there are no new signs that i am any closer to having this baby. my belly gets bigger. my stretch marks get more noticeable. my sleep deteriorates. i walked up and down our ginormous hill in our compound 10 times this morning in some sort of ridiculous effort to both get out of the house and do a bit of walking which everyone here asks if i am doing.
we get at least one phone call every day asking if i've had the baby from local staff here. apparently they are all getting anxious. sigh. i'm not sure if women here have "due dates" or what, but perhaps they shouldn't have been told mine. i wouldn't doubt now if this baby comes later than jude did {41 weeks exactly}. apparently my body likes to hold onto babies longer each time. what's up with that?
i'm ranting.
i don't care.

the boys are happily playing with jude's duplo set that i just gave back to them. {i had taken it away after jude refused to clean it up the last time. this happens somewhat frequently around here. especially with lego/duplo.}
i feel a bit queasy after polishing off the last bit of eggless cookie dough i made earlier this week. stinkin' pregnancy cravings.

my budding photographer, noah took this the other day. i was impressed.

alright already. friday links! here they are!

i thought this was a cool link. make your food taste awesome. go ahead, do it!

if you like languages, you might find this interesting. just a list that shows how the english language falls short - specifically in communicating emotions.

straight up - this is for parents or anyone who interacts with kids on a regular basis. good tools to have when talking to and with children and expecting them to listen to you!

such a cute DIY and i think one that would be especially delightful in these coming cool, fall evenings {for everyone in my home and native land - and those that neighbour it. :)}

ever feel like listening to every song u2 has ever sung? or maybe jay-z is more your style. no? well, anyway whatever your preference is, you should check this site out.

i need to re-read this. on keeping your soul refreshed as a mother.

and so, it's now friday evening. the kids are ambushing nick, we've just finished a delicious pepperoni pizza and i had a delightful half glass of chardonnay {shhhh!}.
enjoy your weekend!

reflections on prenatal care {part two}

this is a continuation from my post yesterday. check it out here.

now where was i...? oh yes. my thoughts on prenatal care.

after all that raving about how amazing midwives are, please understand that...
3. not everyone who goes with a midwife will have excellent care. i had a friend in canada who actually ended up transferring her prenatal care to a doctor {from her midwives} because she didn't feel like she was being taken seriously and the concerns she had weren't being addressed properly with the midwife practice she was with. in the end, an OB was the best choice for her and her baby. and that's okay. i think the important thing is that she went with her gut and in the end did what she felt she needed to do for her peace of mind, her health and her baby's health.
my friend in the UK is currently with a midwife who is one of 2 midwives in her area who attend home births {this friend is hoping for her first home birth, although it will be her second birth!}. due to the high demand, my friend has only had a few appointments with this midwife and in some of them she has seemed scattered, unfocused and rushed. this made me sad and a bit annoyed for my friend as this midwife should be seeking to offer a quality of service that she seems unable to provide for her clients due to taking on too many {or so it would seem to me!}. i hope in the end that my friend gets a wonderful home birth experience and that her midwife is able to offer her support and care that is timely and comforting in the time she needs it most. it just seemed sad to me as she commented that she had gotten to know her OB better when she was pregnant the first time. midwife does not always equal nurturing, quantitative {45 mins-1 hr appointments!} care.

4. just because you're in a first world country does not mean prenatal care is going to be awesome. another friend of mine had a beast of a doctor for the first bit of her pregnancy. his rude and unhelpful comments stressed her out and in the end, she fired him and found a better doctor who listens to her and validates her concerns without being condescending or unhelpful. sometimes you have to do "the needful" {as they say here} and leave your OB/midwife if your instinct is telling you that it's not what you want/need.

5. my care here in uganda has been good. i had a midwife {from the UK} giving me my prenatal care up until 36 weeks and then i was transferred to a doctor at the hospital she works closely with and had nothing but rave reviews for him. i am so thankful to have had michele as my midwife here and have nothing but positive things to say about her. she gave me a realistic perspective of what to expect from giving birth in a hospital and in uganda. she gave me insight into the system here and helped me to feel confident despite being an expat "mzungu" {white person}.
i've had two appointments with my doctor and he is soft-spoken but seems competent and confident and from different interactions with people i know here and strangers i've met, i've heard nothing but good things from them as well. i have mixed feelings about giving birth here and in a hospital {mostly the hospital part, to be honest}, but i think that this experience will help me relate to those who have had hospital births in the past as well as give me an opportunity to make the most of this situation - despite the fact that it's not my ideal.

while in the past i might have pushed home births and midwives, i am a little bit older now and hopefully a bit wiser, too. and i am so incredibly thankful for modern medicine, doctors, surgeons and hospitals for the births that are higher risk and more complicated than mine have been. we are blessed.
i have several friends in canada who had high-risk pregnancies due to heart defects, being pregnant with twins and several other issues. i am so incredibly thankful that they had access to the care that they needed for them and for their babies. in another century, who knows what would have happened? so please don't think i am anti-doctor/hospital/medications. i am not.
i think now what i would push is for women to educate themselves. what is best for you and your baby may not be best for everyone. so seek to find out if you like the care presented by doctors or midwives better. maybe you want a home birth but aren't completely comfortable so you look into a birthing center and that becomes your best choice/option. maybe you look into it and decide that a hospital with an epidural is the way to go for you. if you've done your research, i say go for it. {i'd also like to add, that you are stronger than you think you are. and that pain in and of itself isn't necessarily something to be afraid of.}

perhaps with the arrival of this baby i will have begged and pleaded for an epidural. maybe i'll have back labour or maybe my labour will be long and arduous like neither of my other two were. who knows? only God does {as noah likes to remind me}. and so i put my trust in Him and trust that this body that has so graciously and amazingly and miraculously birthed two other babies before baby B can do it again.

i am so looking forward to the journey and the story and sharing it with you when it does happen!

*as always, i love to hear from you, your experiences and dialogue with you. if anything i've said offends or strikes you as incorrect or needs clarifying, please don't hesitate to comment! i understand that the nature of our choices as women and mothers can sometimes cause tension or judgement and that's not my intent at all. i just wanted to share some of my thoughts and reflections on my personal experiences.*

reflections on prenatal care {part one}

a couple of nights ago, as i was standing in a nice, steamy shower letting the somewhat decent water pressure stream hit my big, pregnant belly, i reflected on the prenatal care i've received both here in uganda as well as in the past. and then i started reflecting on others i know who are pregnant and the kind of care they receive.

i had a few thoughts;

1. i love, love, loved my midwives in canada. a friend and i often joked after we had had our second babies that we dreamed of getting pregnant again just to see and hang out with our midwives. they were so attentive and caring but also thorough and careful. i always got the sense that they truly loved what they were doing and really took part in my joy. {they inspired me to one day consider going back to school for midwifery!} my midwives taught me that i can have the birth i want and that sometimes you need to fight a little bit, but it can {almost always} be done. yes, by the very nature of birth, it is unpredictable and things happen, but it shouldn't stop you from exploring every option until you've exhausted all measures within the boundaries of what's safe, keeping in mind what's best for mother and for baby. in my case they booked me not one, but two appointments with two different doctors until i got my prescription for the antibiotics i would need due to me being GBS+ with jude. the first doctor declined to give me a prescription but the second agreed and i was able to get the antibiotics administered from the comfort of my own bedroom to have an amazing second home birth. 

shortly after giving birth to jude at home

my midwives also taught me that i have choices. i can choose to say no to the tests and procedures i do not want. they taught me to educate myself and figure out what i want, rather than just blindly follow what someone else says i should do. when i made up my mind on certain things, they supported me and informed me more fully if they didn't think i had considered all the facts. they taught me that it's okay to ask questions and make sure i know as much as there is to know {or as much as i want to}. 

my midwives were protective of me and my needs; i remember after i gave birth to noah, my sister was the first to arrive and one of the midwives opened the door and asked {somewhat sternly, apparently} who she was before she let her in. i appreciated that. my sister, on the other hand, was expecting someone who was older to be my midwife and thought that my friends had beat her to meeting her nephew and was a bit ticked off!

my first home birth. holding noah in the comfort of my own bed.

2. i am thankful this is my third birth. i am more confident in my body's ability to do what it needs to do. i am more confident of my rights as a pregnant woman. i don't "know it all" and so of course i will always listen to my healthcare provider and take his/her advice/recommendations under consideration. but i'm not just going to go along with what they say. i know that i have a say in things. i also know the general flow of care that happens during prenatal care. this pregnancy has been a lot more "hands on" for me. i have had to go and get my scan {ultrasound} booked and taken care of. i have had to carry around my paperwork - which hasn't been bad, it's just amazing i've remembered to bring it to every appointment thus far! with my midwives, they booked everything for me. it was so great and worry-free. it just makes me so incredibly thankful for the care i received from my midwives in guelph.

my only regret would be that i didn't get any pictures with my midwives!

so i split up this post so it wouldn't be one huge long monster blog post. stay tuned for more tomorrow!

*as always, i love to hear from you, your experiences and dialogue with you. if anything i've said offends or strikes you as incorrect or needs clarifying, please don't hesitate to comment! i understand that the nature of our choices as women and mothers can sometimes cause tension or judgement and that's not my intent at all. i just wanted to share some of my thoughts and reflections on my personal experiences.*

check out part TWO here.

{still} two on the third

i missed last month's sibling picture. i realized this about halfway through the month. no one seemed to mind, though. so it's all good.

and i part-forgot and part-hoped that i would be able to legitimately do a three on the third picture, but no such luck.

my sweet friend kelly sent me a link to a very encouraging article about embracing pain in childbirth. after i read that article, it linked to another blog entry which i also found very encouraging. if you're pregnant and expecting soon {or even if you're not expecting soon}, i highly recommend reading both of these articles. at this point i don't fear the pain of childbirth. it's more i'm uncertain of what to expect from a hospital birth in uganda. and continuing to pray unceasingly for peace and trust and hope in what's to come. and contentment for where i am. right now.

friday links.

so here i am. hanging on with this pregnancy. i had a few rough days, but the last couple have been pretty good. my feet haven't felt so swollen in the late afternoon/evenings and i've had a bit more energy which has been good.
tonight my sweet friend aletha brought over the most delicious pulled pork sandwiches, salad, chips and homemade banana bread for us. so amazing. also? enough for leftovers for possibly saturday and sunday! i love leftovers!
here's to having great friends! cheers!

also i guess since today is the last day of august, i can officially declare that i will be having a september baby. trust me, this baby ain't coming before midnight tonight. he's a mover, but he ain't coming. sigh.

onward and upward to other things...

this is commonly seen around our house when daddy gets home from work:

just because they've used up their screen time tickets, doesn't mean they can't watch daddy play sonic racing on the iPad. oh these boys...

friday links!

i'm obsessed with this blog. i love the philosophy and practicality of living a clutter-free life. not just in material possessions, but also how it influences how you function emotionally and mentally. i'm implementing the things i can now so that when we get back to canada, i can continue to make changes that will enable our family to prioritize the things that really matter instead of just choosing to fill up our house with stuff. {oh hey, remember our garage sale? yeah. i never want to get to that state of things ever.again.}

along the same lines, i love the idea of an alternative gift registry. this is an idea that i hope to implement in our families when we get home as well. the idea that the gift of time is far more meaningful than adding yet another car to our toy collection or another cool shirt from that cool store is a radical one, but one that rings true for me and our family. this particular link, though is a creative idea that i think would help people getting married to think outside the box of your typical "12 sets of china plates" items or the new parents who don't want to fill up their house with hordes of primary-colored toys and gadgets to request really useful, meaningful things like babysitting, a free meal, laundry or dish services, etc. need i go on? just check out the link. :)

now this is my kind of DIY. a pillow cover that doesn't require sewing! what an easy way to change the look of your living space/bedroom without making a permanent change! you could even add a bit of seasonal touches if you wanted!

beautiful, free, seasonal downloads. 'nuff said.

yeah so i made this. my friend kelly posted it to my facebook wall and i dared to try it. 1. sugar coma 2. deliciously addictive. make this at your own peril.

so here i still sit. still pregnant.
i'm hoping by the end of next week i'll have to cancel friday links because i will be too busy cuddling my new baby boy and posting delicious pictures of him. {'cuz you know with this growth spurt he's just had, he'll have cheeks you wanna chomp on!}
either way, you'll hear about it here!
happy weekend!

what's in YOUR hospital bag?

i've never done this whole "giving birth in a hospital" thing before. i never really studied or paid attention to the list of "things to bring to the hospital" on the handout from the midwives. i was really blessed to be able to have two, amazing, complication-free home births.
of course i did have to make sure i had my home birth supplies ready but i knew that if i needed something i could always improvise with what was already in the house.
not so in a hospital.
especially not so in a ugandan hospital.

so at just over 37 weeks pregnant i finally got around to packing a bag.
but first, the bag! what bag was i going to use? at first i wanted to buy a cute over night bag like this one:

source

how gorgeous is this bag? so gorgeous.

or this one. so cute. and vintage! love.

source

there are tons of places here in kampala to get good quality, second hand items and i've even seen some vintage suitcases, but ultimately frugality won out and i decided to use our carry-on size suitcase.

so.
here's what i have packed so far - i'm hoping that i don't need to add anything else, but depending on any helpful comments from you guys, i might have to!

for the mama

2 nursing bras
3 prs undies
1 pretty handmade hospital gown {from my last birth} - it opens from the shoulders and allows for easy breastfeeding access and i'll use it for pajamas if we have to stay overnight {i hope we don't!}
1 dressing gown
1 pair comfy yoga/maternity pants
1 nursing tank top
1 comfy t-shirt
1 going home outfit for me (comfy dress with a v-neck for easy breastfeeding access)
toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, travel sized shower gel & shampoo/conditioner, travel sized contact lens solution, contact lens case and new contacts, mascara, eye liner, lip balm, nipple ointment, moisturizing hand lotion, deoderant
overnight pads
3 plastic bags for bringing home dirty towels/clothes, etc.
1 head band
a few hair elastics
1 bath towel
1 face cloth
1 cooling face cloth {from Lee Valley}
my pearl earrings that jamie brought back from the philippines for me to wear home
a pillow

for the baby

diapers

wipes

small container of vaseline

sampler size container of diaper cream

3 sleepers

2 onesies

1 pr socks

1 going home outfit

3 hats

1 heavier blanket

1-2 receiving blankets

special "lovey"

sheets for the baby's "cot"

i plan on getting jamie to pack a small bag for himself with things like:

pajamas and an extra outfit

toiletries

his iPad

our cameras

a manilla envelope for any paperwork we will acquire

a pillow

cash! {we have to pay our hospital fees up front, but thankfully our insurance reimburses us afterward.}

i'm also planning on baking some granola bars and freezing them so that i can take a bunch with us as well as having some juice boxes in our pantry and some water bottles with some crystal lite's taped to them in case we want some flavour {i'm usually a straight-up water kinda girl, but ya just never know}. i also plan on buying some of my favourite crackers here to munch on {they're kinda like cheese nips} as well as making a trail mix of sorts with a mixture of yummy nuts, raisins and maybe some kind of chocolate {they have M&Ms here but also a cheaper version of smarties which i might use}. 

then i'll put all the snacks together in one bag and have it ready to go. 

you'll notice i haven't separated it into "labour" and "birth". that's because i'm hoping i won't really be labouring that long in the hospital {or at all!}, to be honest. and i'm also hoping to get in and out of the hospital as quickly as possible as long as everyone is healthy. you can google "hospital bag" and find tons of ideas on things you could bring to aid in pain management during labour. 

so that's what i've got. 

thoughts? suggestions? 

note: the hospital that i'll be delivering at does not supply pillows, sheets for baby's cot, diapers/wipes or towels which is why i've packed them. make sure to check what the hospital you're delivering at supplies so you only have to bring what you need.

one blessed mama

i'm not sure if it's some sort of instinctual pregnancy thing {like nesting} that makes me want to scoop up my children and love on them in a way that seems to say,

life is going to change for our family. it won't just be the four of us anymore. someone else is coming into our lives and he's going to require a lot of my time and energy but that doesn't mean i'm going to love you any less.


noah's been more cuddly lately. or maybe i've just been more attuned to his needs. whatever the reason, tonight while we cuddled in the dark with no power he had some questions about the baby and i braced myself for questions like, will you stop loving me? or why weren't you happy with just us? but they never come. instead questions like, will you read to baby b, too?

yes, i answer. he'll listen to the same stories i read to you and jude.


and when you and daddy got married, was i not born yet?


i say, no. you weren't born yet. you and jude came a few years later.


i love how my sweet noah is so tender-hearted. so interested in babies and kids. so thoughtful in his questions. so accepting of this new life coming into our family.

at dinner time, jamie shows the boys his wedding ring and says that the ring means that he's married to me.
jude pipes up with, one day, i'm going to marry you all by myself!

i am one blessed mama.

friday links

it's friday!
last night jude woke up with a fever and so i brought him into bed with me {since there was ample room without jamie - missing him!} for who knows how long until he was ready to fall back to sleep in his own bed.
this morning he still wasn't entirely back to himself so beth watched him while i ran a few errands with noah. so we spent the rest of the day playing and cuddling and watching cartoons. we filled our bellies with delicious pizza for dinner and then the boys went to bed. beth and i filled a couple of basins with hot water and soaked our feet while we watched friends and polished off an entire bowl full of the most amazing homemade kettle corn. {courtesy of joy the baker. of course.}

oh! and beth took some amazing maternity pictures of me yesterday! it was fun and i am so happy with them! i've never had maternity pictures taken before. and it'll be so great to look back on these pictures and see this home, here in kampala.

some friday links for ya!

my kids aren't typically "early" risers {although to this night owl, 7am does come awful early.} but i really like this article on some creative solutions to having kids who rise early.

and it's about time. i need this. it's a round up of online tutorials so you can teach yourself how to sew! i'm saving this bad boy for when i return to canada and have a sewing machine again. i think it's one of my life goals. learn how to sew.

i'm trying this easy art project with the boys. either this weekend or next week. it's so cute! {and easy!}

and these two? yum. cold drinks on a hot day. is there anything better? this one is for when you crave sugar and chocolate and this one is for when you  need something packed full of vitamins and fruit! they both sound delicious. i think i'm going to try and make the second one. for more than one reason.

have you guys heard of PicMonkey? love this site. seriously easy and gorgeous picture editing. fun and free! winning!

happy weekend! tomorrow we're going to my favouritest place in kampala, MishMash. and we'll possibly be going on sunday as well as they're starting up a family day with face painting and balloons and free kids meals - oh my!

seek

we went on safari. it was lovely. but exhausting.

sometimes i feel like i'm in this stage with my two little fellas that is priceless. they play well together. they play well unsupervised. they are creative and funny and cute and absolutely lovable.

and then i feel the complete opposite of that. they fight nonstop. they sass back. they don't obey and they feed off of each other's bad behaviour. they are all the time physically fighting, fighting, fighting. 

how can two boys be so sweet and so devilish all at the same time?

my advice to those with young children (especially boys): take them to the zoo. not on safari. my kids were just there for the snacks. (seriously though, there were some fun moments on safari, but i stand by my advice. the zoo is better for little kids.)

it's a hard stage. but a good one. and i have to remind myself that this too shall pass. the adorable moments of this youth and the hard, difficult moments of training and correcting. 

being pregnant with two very stubborn and very lively little boys is tiring. but i'm seeking two things;

1. that i would abide in Christ. fully. and nonstop. i fail. but it is something i am striving for.

2. that i would be joy-filled. in the hard. and the ugly. in the laughter-filled. and in the quiet moments of contemplation. that i would find joy. 

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:9-11

it's a...

...bit of a gong show, actually.

but i'll get to the part you've been waiting for.

boy!

i am thrilled. and thankful. at one point i wasn't sure if we'd get to find out today, actually.

so we {the whole family went} got to the clinic in great time. my appointment was at 9:30am and we got to the clinic {after crossing ridiculously crazy roads both ways} by 9:15. i paid for my ultrasound and then we went to the waiting area. shortly after we sat down, a cute couple sat down beside us. i wondered if there was another doctor who did ultrasounds in the building.

then alice {our fabulous ultrasound technician} nodded us in and we got all set up {the boys with their snacks, me on the table with the cold gel on my belly} and alice started taking her measurements via ultrasound. 

then jamie said, "hey, your name isn't eleanor." and alice said, "that's not you? what's your name?" and so we told her. my name wasn't on her list of appointments for the entire day. she was confused. so was i. and feeling a bit of dread. i knew without a doubt that today at 9:30am was my appointment. {trust me. a mama about to see her baby and find out the gender does not get that sort of thing messed up.}

so she finished up her measurements and then told me if we could just wait for the next appointment {it was supposed to be a short one, she said} she'd do their ultrasound and then i could come back in and she'd show us the baby.
i breathed a sigh of relief. we'd get to find out after all.
so we finished up {the baby was a-MOVING!} and then we waited in the hall for about 30 minutes before she was finished and nodded us back into the room.
we got to see and hear the heart beat, she showed us the face and head and hands and spine and everything. then she asked if we wanted to know the gender. when we said we did, she moved the ultrasound wand around for a bit and then there it was. boy parts. he was being very proud of his manhood and we laughed at how un-shy he seemed.

we are thrilled, although noah did say he had wanted a sister. i think i always imagined our family as a whole troop of boys. does three count as a troop? i think it will definitely feel like one. welcome to the strickland boys, my little one!

three

you didn't think i forgot about two on the second, did you? good. i didn't.

someone was not very cooperative. and it wasn't the unborn child in my womb.

it's three kids on the third! {for this month. we'll go back to two on the second until baby is born}.

our third is due this september and we'll find out next week if we'll be adding a third boy to our troop or a girl.

linking to Steph who takes pictures of her 4 kids on the fourth

research

my personality, in general, is one of a researcher. when i'm insterested in something or passionate about something i research. i read, read, read - books, magazines, articles, blogs, anything i can find on that particular subject/thing/issue.
when i was pregnant with noah i read a lot. i read books on pregnancy, birth, and labour. i asked people for their birth stories and found some online too*.
i read books on parenting philosophies including everything from babywise to attatchment parenting.
jamie's nana even wrote out her birth stories for me which i absolutely and completely loved!
i loved hearing the horrible worst-case-scenarios and the oh-my-gosh-it-was-perfect stories. i wanted to know everything.
but at some point all the research combined with some PPD made for one overwhelmed, anxious and paranoid mama who didn't have any confidence in her own maternal instinct.
research is so great and valuable, but at some point you need to take what you've read, glean the principles and mold them to your situation. because your situation is completely unique in at least some way and it's going to look different for everyone.
it took me going across the globe to africa, away from all my precious books and dependable internet for me to learn how to trust my instinct and my God-given ability and privilege to be noah's mama. picked out specifically for noah and he for me. noah was 6 months old at the time and it was the best thing for all of us.
since then i've occasionally referred to books or online resources for different questions i've had but nothing like my initial frenzy of reading.
but now i find myself compeltely depleted of wisdom and knowledge of how to navigate these murky waters of preschoolerhood that i find myself in. so it's back to the books.
this time, however, i'll be able to take it all in with a grain of salt and figure out how to balance what i know of my child with the principles and ideas presented.

also, funny story: on my way out of the library as i'm wrestling to keep two very rambunctious, hungry and somewhat cranky boys under control i am sure the librarian was totally chuckling to herself as she scanned these books out for me. it also might explains why she was so helpful by putting my many books into my bag for me (never once has a librarian done that for me). regardless, i was thankful.

thanks to those so far who have recommended ideas and books to me. i'm likely going to at least skim everything i can get my hands on and then delve deeper into the ones that seem to hit it home with me. keep 'em coming!


*the blogs i've linked to are all ones i found around the birth of jude, not noah. but they're good ones. if you like birth stories, read 'em! the first link is hilarious (caution, much swear-age occurs), the second one is amazing and terrifying, the third one i love how she writes and um, also, the last one (nella's birth story) is absolutely heart-breaking. read with caution. i bawled. (i actually just re-read it and bawled again. so that's that.)

So, are you done having kids?

I remember sometime after Noah was born and after I got through those hazy, sleep-deprived, anxious, PPD first few months waking up and thinking

I want another one.

Immediately followed by

Am I crazy?

I think it's partly a natural instinct to want to continue to expand your family - on multiple levels - but it's quite possibly that I was crazy due to sleep deprivation. Either way, sometime just before Noah's first birthday Jude was on the way.

Surprisingly it hit me again after Jude was born. This time I know exactly what was driving it - hurry up and get out of this newborn stage as fast as I can. Let's just pop out one (two? three?) more and get it over with.

Then I came to my senses. For now.

I'd LOVE more kids, but I also want to take time to just enjoy being a family of 4. I'm still pretty young and there's plenty of time to have more kids - whether biological or adopted or both. I also want to take some time to let my body adjust and become its new "normal".

I read somewhere that it takes TWO YEARS for your body to fully regulate and transition from being pregnant to not. No wonder it's taking my body so much longer to "bounce back" after having a 2nd child in 2 years.

Anyway, having a child right away to get a certain stage "over with" is not a good reason either. So for now, we are a really happy family of 4. Plus, if we had another kid we'd have to get a bigger vehicle. And I'm not ready to be a minivan-Mom. *shudder* (No offense to those of you who are minivan-Moms. I know you love your vans. I'm just not there yet. But I will be. I know I will. Just not.right.now.)

Now a lot of my friends who have one child are thinking of having another, trying to have another or are already pregnant with their second (or they're just going ahead and getting pregnant with twins! :D). It's easy to see now that though I did "miss" a lot with Noah being so young when I got pregnant again (and after Jude was born a lot is quite blurry in the memory department - thank God for pictures and videos!), both his life and Jude's life are so much richer because of each other.

I also have to remember what that felt like - to want another child to be close in age to my first born. And how at the time, I thought "Yeah, it'll be hard. But so what? We'll get through it." And I'm betting every other Mom contemplating having a second feels exactly the same way. And no amount of me telling them every horror story or complaining about the lack of sleep is going to change their minds. Maybe. So for now, I refrain. And to be honest, it's always the first 4ish months that kill me. We're in a good stage now. But then Jude will learn to crawl and then walk. And we'll be in another stage with its own set of challenges. And we'll conquer them as we get there. And I know I certainly don't want other Mom's giving me doomsday warnings at every.single.stage I get to. Real life advice and stories? Yes. But don't rain on my parade! (This I say to remind myself not to rain on others' parades either.)

At this point in my life, I don't think I have a set number in my head of how many kids I want. I want the family that God wants for me. Whether that's 2 kids (but I'd be kinda sad to be honest) or 6, I'm fine with it.

On a rant-y note...when we start trying again, I will NOT be trying for a girl. I will be trying to get pregnant. I think at this point I'd actually like a girl (as opposed to where I was a year or so ago where I only wanted boys. No girls. At all.) but I can see how fun (and um, car-AY-zee!) it would be to have 3 boys! I hate the idea of people thinking my family would be less than "perfect" if I didn't have one of each gender. No one's family is perfect. My family will be complete whenever we stop having kids. And then one day our kids grow up and get married. And our family will expand again! And it will be glorious! But I'm getting carried away with myself here...All that to say...I welcome another child - boy OR girl into my family when that time comes. (But it's not right now. At least that I know of. *wink*)