those words

Three kids is totally pwning {I'm stuck in 2010 apparently} Jamie and I. Seriously. I don't feel depressed or unhappy, but I am tired. Kinda like I'm treading water. Trying to keep my head above water. The difference is, I'm treading water with my best friend.
I don't think I can say/type it enough; I am beyond thankful to have had Jamie on parental leave for December and January. BEYOND thankful.

Now I'm not much of a swearer. I've never really been one to use a curse word - except for that rebellious phase I went through in grade 3 when I felt the need to use every swear word I knew at recesses. But I digress...
Since Blaise has been born, a dark side of me has been revealed. I swear. I'm like Joe Pesci's character from Home Alone when he's muttering "frickin' frackin'" after getting knocked upside the head. Except I'm not saying "frickin' frackin'". I'm saying the real thing. Usually at night. Usually when Blaise won't sleep. Liiiiiike last night. Froooooooom 12:30-4:30am. Awesome, right? WRONG. It was not awesome. It sucked.
But I held my proverbial shit together and actually managed to lightly doze amid the fussing/complaining/crying/hollering done by my youngest instead of getting angry or frustrated. Jamie got up and surfed the internet for a bit. Eventually I fed him {again - do not be fooled. The child was not hungry. Just...anti-sleep.} and he finally settled.
I don't swear around my kids {not the ones who understand, that is. *cough*} and sometimes...it just adequately communicates how I'm feeling. And then I'm over it. And sometimes I laugh at myself. It relieves a bit of tension.
I have a bunch of friends who swear. And ones I know would never swear {and might be aghast to hear that I do...?}
I've been thinking about words and swear words and what will happen when our kids go to school next year in Canada and how they'll be exposed to many ideas and thoughts and ... words. And I remembered reading a blog post about how these parents sat down with their school-aged child and wrote out every swear word they could think of and then explained {generally} them to their child. So that they could hear it from their parents. So that the whole stigma of those words would be lessened. Perhaps so that their child could see that there's nothing magical about them, but that we have a responsibility with the words that come out of our mouths. I've thought about what we'll do when the time comes for Noah and Jude to go to school. Right now we have rules like "We don't say stupid or shut up in our family." And I've explained to them that not every family has those rules, so some kids might say them because they don't have that rule in their family. But that if they are being said in a hurtful way, they can tell that person that those words aren't nice and they shouldn't use them that way {instead of saying, "We don't say stupid in our family." since that child isn't in our family.} And we've talked about how we have the power to use our words to be kind and loving or to hurt people and make them feel bad and that once our words come out of our mouths, we can't take them back.

But I'm not perfect. And I mess up. And I've learned/learning to apologize quickly to my kids. It's been hard, though because that wasn't ever really modeled to me as a child. But I want to model humility to my kids. That if I can and need to ask for forgiveness, then maybe they can and need to as well.

So. Swearing. I don't want it to creep into my every day vernacular. But I do swear. Sometimes. And not in front of my kids {that they can hear}.

So I have to ask, do you swear? Does your family have rules about which words you can and can't use? What are those rules based on? Are you offended that I confessed my recent development in swearing? Do you make up alternate swear words? {If so, read this. HILARIOUS.}

emptied

life is not easy. no matter where you live.
lately i've been battling lies.
lately i haven't spent enough time with Jesus.
i've felt the lyrics of brooke fraser's song shadowfeet so deeply in my spirit these past few days.

walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
towards home; a land that i've never seen
i am changing; less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began


and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day


when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in You, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through, i'll be found in You


there's distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but i've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way


you make all things new


i've been grasping and trying to really see Him every day. but i fail. every day i fail in some way. i am so incredibly needy and weak that i'm not really sure what i'm doing here. in uganda. in this marriage. as a mother. {those lies can be so loud sometimes} and then i throw myself before Him and beg for more of Him. and He is so faithful.

i started reading Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ by John Piper for Lent. i've read this book a couple other times and every time i am so incredibly moved as i get to know my Jesus more and fall deeper in love with Him.
at the end of each chapter there is a prayer and i'd like to share these prayers with you - probably on a weekly basis.

O Father of glory, this is the cry of our hearts - to be changed from one degree of glory to another, until, in the resurrection, at the last trumpet, we are completely conformed to the image of your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Until then, we long to grow in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord, especially the knowledge of his glory. We want to see it as clearly as we see the sun, and to savor it as deeply as our most desired pleasure. O merciful God, incline our hearts to your Word {please, God} and the wonders of your glory. Wean us from our obsession with trivial things. Open the eyes of our hearts to see each day what the created universe is telling about your glory. Enlighten our minds to see the glory of your Son in the Gospel. We believe that you are the All-glorious One, and that there is none like you. Help our unbelief. Forgive the wandering of our affections and the undue attention we give to lesser things. Have mercy on us for Christ's sake, and fulfill in us your great design to display the glory of your grace. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.


i came across this blog yesterday and resonated with so many of her entries, but specifically one that focused on how it can be frustrating to take steps of faith and obedience and find yourself a "worser" person than before you made that step. i was encouraged as i've been feeling ugly and awful and forced to confront some pretty nasty things i see in myself {as this post shows}. when you become an awful person

confessions of a young mom on sunday

today i went to church {as in, i entered a church building} for the first time in at least 2 months.
i know.
but church is hard. at least, i find it really hard here.
in canada, we entered our church to familiar, smiling faces. we didn't stick out like sore thumbs. we promptly dropped off our boys in their safe, incredibly creative and age-appropriate children's church classes.
then we would often happily chat with a friend or two in the lobby and walk in to find a seat to familiar songs to worship to. the sermon would usually be thought-provoking and Bible-based. then we would pick up our boys afterward, chat with friends until the lobby cleared and we would drive home or to a friend's house for lunch.

in uganda, we drive to church and immediately heads turn when we pull up. we are muzungus. white people. the boys are often happily greeted by ugandans with good intentions, but it's often too much - especially for noah - and i have to keep reminding them to say hello and be polite and not be rude or grumpy.
we somehow corral the boys into a pew and try to keep them from crawling all over the ground that's covered in a fine, red dust. they are up and down and fighting with each other and i can barely pay attention to the song that's being sung. then children are dismissed to their classes and i walk with the boys to theirs. they are expected to sit for the remainder of the time listening to a lesson or colouring. maybe they sing a song or two. the doors are left open to the courtyard, which leads to the parking lot. i stay with them because they'd run out in a heartbeat if i left them.

today we went to a different church that we could walk to. at our other church we were one of a few young, white families. at this church? out of at least 200 kids in their children's church, they were the only white kids. we were stared at. pointed at. giggled at. but the lesson was told much more engagingly for the boys' age despite being expected to sit for the entire time.

today was better. and i'm betting it's not necessarily because of the lesson {although it was so much better by leaps and bounds than any other lesson i've heard for kids since being here}. it was because my reason for going was different. today i went for my kids.

we are not in canada. we are in uganda. it is good to go through hard things. it is good for the boys to learn to deal with stares or "standing out". it is good for us to show our boys that church is an important part of our week. it is good for me to go. if only for the sake of my children.

on finding my groove

today was weird.

i couldn't find my groove until about 4pm when i finally had a shower.

i started sorting and pricing for our garage sale this weekend. (insert anxious emoticon here)

so that was something.

and then we bought noah this sesame street numbers/letters/shapes computer game and i fear i have opened pandora's box (it's his first computer game).

but it's cute.

(and portable so we'll be bringing it with us when we move.)

i hope for more productivity tomorrow.

(and warmer weather for the rest of the week. and especially saturday.)

confessions

i know there are others out there.
other moms out there.
other moms who have strong-willed children.
i'm not just talking about having a tantrum on the occasion or exerting their independence every now and then.
i'm talking about children who are characterized by people who barely know them as well as those who know them well as strong-willed (is that just the nice phrase we use for stubborn? defiant? i don't even know anymore).

i'm talking about my noah.

and part of me knows that it's a lot about the age he's at. the phase he's in. the developmental stage he's going through.
he's three. three is rough letmetellYOU. and it's such a ridiculous pendulum swing - for everyone because we just have no idea when the switch is going to flick and he's going to be sweet, adorable, agreeable noah instead of defiant, insolent, disobedient, out of control raging noah.
i mean, three is
"i wanna cuddle with you, mama", punching and kicking me, "i love you so much, mama", screaming and melting down anytime, anywhere he feels like it (today it was church and not wanting to go into his classroom that he's been going to for at least 6 months now and having a 10 minute tantrum that was not limited to pounding his 3 year old fists on the door), saying NO to me about something so simple it should not even be an issue, exasperating his brother, inciting his brother, being excited about reading Bible stories, making up hilarious songs, spitting at everyone, holding up his fists to people and giving them a grinchy face, putting away his toys, NOT putting away his toys, refusing to put on his own boots, INSISTING on putting on his own boots.

three is confusing. and if it's confusing for me, it's gotta be confusing for noah.
so there's grace.
but there's also a need for teaching and correction and it's my job to both teach and correct him. because if i don't, who is supposed to? is it not unrealistic for me to just expect him to learn it on his own?

someone once told me about the idea of a family's "rallying cry" which is something or someone the entire family (or at the very least the husband/wife team) can rally around and focus on for a determined amount of time or until a specific goal is met.
i think jamie and i need to rally around and behind noah. to focus in on teaching him and correcting him as he navigates the waters of being three years old. to pray for him. and pray for wisdom for us to know how to teach and correct this precious gem and blessing we've been given.

in part i've been meeting him head-on like two battling rams. i know exactly where noah gets his strong will and i can match him every step of the way. and in some situations i know and thank god that he's given me this iron will to be consistent and teach my child that i mean what i say. but i know that this isn't always the best way to address every situation. and to be honest, it's tiring. and children can sense weakness like bees can sense fear. it's wicked crazy and it is not to be messed with. for reals.

one specific step i will be taking (and blogging more about in the coming weeks) is that i've made a list of things i want to pray about/towards as part of my lent experience this year. one of these is noah. 40 days of specific, concerted prayer for my first born and how i am supposed to parent him through this season of all our lives.

so to all you mom's of strong-willed children, i know your child is different from mine and i am different from you, but have you any encouragement? advice? suggestions? anecdotes?

*you may now go back to watching the Oscars (we have no cable and streaming was so chopping it really wasn't worth it).