Right now I seem to be in limbo. No...that's not quite the right word for it. More like...stretched? Torn?
Between a lot of things - but a few things in particular;
- the desire to stay on campus and go hard and the knowledge that I DO need to take it easy and not go too physically hard (and my body's response to the physical activity is always a warning sign for me to slow down)
- the desire to stay in campus ministry (period) and the excitement and anticipation for what lies ahead as I will become a Mom in a very short while
This last one has been a struggle especially because I am seeing so much fruit even in this past month! 2 girls coming to know Christ personally, finally "getting it" (well, at least more than I have before) in terms of discipleship and the whole aspect of evangelism, understanding my schedule and what's a good use of my time and how to schedule it better. It's hard because I don't want to leave. It's humbling to remember that I myself am not necessarily "needed" by God, but that all He needs and wants is a vessel that is available. Perhaps I am more available now than I have ever been.
BUT...at the same time I am ridiculously excited at the prospect of having this baby and becoming a mom and being able to nurture him and experience the joys and challenges of raising a child. A little boy.
You know what's really weird for me to write? I'm going to write it right now. My son.
*insert freak out here*
ANYWAY...so I'm really enjoying my job/vocation (whatever you want to call it) but I'm also anticipating this next phase at the very same time.
So torn would be a good word for me to use.